There are innumerable parenting styles, also known as mom identities, out there. There's attachment parenting, free-range parenting, helicopter parenting, gentle parenting, and I thank the internet for bringing them all to my attention. Still, sometimes the internet fails me. It's rare, but it happens. Turns out, there are a few more parenting styles out there. OK, more like completely made up mom identities that should totally become a thing, but same difference if you ask me.
I initially found parenting tough the same way I found cooking tough, in that there are some very good guidelines but no actual, real rules. "Salt to taste?!" WTF am I supposed to do with that?! How do I know what's going to taste good if I've never done this before? Yeah, that's not helpful, and neither are instructions like "sooth the baby." Um, how? Please be more specific.
This is where those trusty mom identities come in handy. Parenting philosophies, if you ask me, fill in those blank spaces for people who need more guidance than the occasional, "Go with your gut." I imagine it's also why religion and diets are popular. All of theses things, when done with likeminded individuals, can provide a sense of belonging within a community. So perhaps you're interested in learning a new, totally not real, definitely made-up-by-me parenting styles that could easily be a thing if we all just got behind the idea. Maybe these following mom identities will prove more helpful than a seasoned mom saying, "You'll learn as you go." I mean, it can't hurt, right?
The Dolphin Mother
I imagine a new mom discovering dolphin parenting on her "babymoon" trip to Hawaii with her partner. "We were staying at a hotel that let you swim with wild dolphins. Being in the water with such majestic, intelligent, magical creatures showed me that this is how humans were meant to live: as dolphins!" the mom will say, while simultaneously converting her three bedroom condo into an enormous salt water tank and filling it with aquatic plant and animal life to simulate an ocean environment.
Sure, a new mom's 3-month-old infant can't swim or eat raw fish, but whatever.
The Golden Mother
A Golden Mother probably spent her years in college watching marathons of The Golden Girls. I mean, there's no subject those four women different cover. They were able to offer unique prospectives on a variety of topics and, well, they ere all moms.
Golden parenting means you teach your children using stories about Sicily, Brooklyn, and St. Olaf, a complete cheesecake diet ("Kids love it!"), and, of course, dressing in the most '80s fashion-forward wardrobe you can get your hands on (usually at thrift stores). There is also a laugh track system in the house that is set to go off any time someone in the family makes a zinger.
Oh, and Golden Moms obviously live in Miami.
The Disney Mom
Disney parenting is based on the protagonists in Disney movies, only because they never seem to have parents in their lives (including, and usually almost always, mothers). Still, they all go on to grow into plucky, kind, well-adjusted adults who invariably found their happily ever after. I mean, what more could you want for your children?
At first blush, Disney parenting may sound an awful lot like abandoning your child, but it's honestly just a conscious decision that's actually probably more involved than raising your children while present. Maybe. I mean, I don't know.
The Super Mom
Super Moms are the mothers who can do everything. They can focus at work, have everything perfect at home, exclusively breastfeed before they go on to make their own baby food, head up the PTA at their child's school, lend a hand at the community garden, volunteer at a nursing home, and raise funds for the local animal shelter. Oh, and that's just the start.
The secret? Well, how do most super heroes get their powers? Exposure to volatile chemicals or high levels of radiation, of course!
I, personally, suggest a regimen that includes rolling in a pond of glowing green sludge, you can only discover behind the nuclear power plant, for 15 minutes every day.
The Coachella Mom
Coachella parenting is defined by its desire to instill in children free-spirited attitudes, whimsical fashion, a love of music (and the knowledge that it can bring people closer together), and insensitive cultural appropriation.
The Mime Mom
Mime parenting is hard to understand, honestly, and for obvious reasons. Still, a day of absolute silence couldn't be the worst thing, right?
The Renaissance Mom
Renaissance moms take all their parenting cues from days of yore, raising their children in the customarily rigid but vibrantly artistic style that defined Europe from 1300 to 1700. They spend much of their day studying Greek, Latin, and the Bible, fine-tuning their needlework or swordplay (depending on their gender, of course), and playing the lute. Their diet consists almost entirely of those enormous turkey legs purchased from the concession stand.
The Gladiator Mom
Gladiator parenting prizes athleticism (to promote healthy living) and a child's ability to physically conquer and/or destroy their opponent (to promote future success in a corporate setting) above all else, particularly to earn the love of an audience.
The Rock Mom
A Rock Mom is a diehard fan of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and probably has been since his fake wrestling days.
If a Rock Mom's kid is acting unfavorably, she just gives him or her the People's Eyebrow.
Oh sh*t, this is actually a thing. FML.