Kids are gross. And it seems like they're intentionally gross the moment they enter toddlerhood. Maybe it’s because that’s when they’re first exploring the world, finally walking, finally picking up random things and putting them in their mouths, and finally testing the boundaries of "acceptable behavior." These walking germ-factories don’t really have a sense of decorum, so they basically do whatever they want. If your baby hasn’t reached that milestone, don’t worry. Before you know it you'll be well acquainted with the most disgusting thing your toddler does. And at that moment, dear reader, you will understand.
My son is getting close to reaching the ripe old age of 4. That means his “toddler” days are, for the most part, behind him. He still does plenty of nasty stuff, don't get me wrong, but he’s getting a little better about keeping his bodily fluids to himself. I’d say one of the most disgusting things he’s done is lick a chair on the public bus. This wasn’t just any bus, mind you, but the 16th Street mall ride in downtown Denver. So many people in various levels of cleanliness ride that bus on a daily basis, and I can't imagine many more places with more germs. Gross.
For some reason or another, my son just can’t keep that pink little tongue in his mouth for an extended period of time. He’s also licked plenty of restaurant tables and other random pieces of public furniture. It drives me up the wall. So much so, in fact, that I had to commiserate with other moms. So with that in mind, here are some truly heinous things other toddlers have done because, well, that's just what they do.
“When [my son] was a toddler, he had the weirdest obsession with digging in his diaper and making tile masterpieces with his poop. It became so habitual that we had to keep an eye on him almost always because he would find random corners to hide it. He would do these weird finger paintings with poop and sometimes he would do the finger paintings on himself if the tiles weren't enough. It's been imprinted in my brain forever.”
“[My son] ate french fries off the floor at Evos. That's what we get for waiting for the food at our table.”
“I was rummaging around in the laundry basket naked and my toddler snuck up on me and spread my cheeks apart! We both screamed... and then laughed. What did she think she would find?”
“I remember being shocked to realize kids aren't born with the innate ability to blow their noses. My daughter had no qualms with walking around with snot running everywhere, going about her business.”
“When my oldest was about 2-years-old, she smeared diaper ointment all over the face of one of her baby dolls and said she was ‘putting lotion’ on her. The doll's eyes have never opened and closed the same since.”
“Nose-picking and booger-eating.”
“We were staying with our cousins in their new house and they have two dogs. A yorkie and a shar-pei. For some reason, her dogs will poop inside randomly, no matter how often you let them out. My daughter was crawling and got away from me for a minute. When I got to her, she had a little turd in her mouth! I think I even washed her mouth with mouthwash that day.
Another day, she got her hand in the shar-pei’s poop and oh my god... those are the worst not-solid, foul-smelling poops in the world. So much hand-washing. So much hand sanitizer. Why dog poop?!? I love my cousin and her dogs are great but that was the absolute worst.”
“Puts his hands in my mouth... especially when I'm not expecting it.”
“My daughter at age 2.5 picked up a dead cockroach and put it in her mouth. Husband caught her before she could actually chew it.”
“My kiddo was picking his nose and wiping the boogers on the wall in a corner that was hard to see. By the time I found the boogers, I had to use a butter knife to scrape them all off.”
Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:
Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.