What Every Mom Does When She’s Alone In The Bathroom

I’ve never been particularly indulgent when it comes to grooming or self-care rituals. I know you wanted that info about me, and you'er welcome. I mean, sure, I have my favorite products and go-to techniques, and I like how I feel after using them. However, and for the most part, my routine is just that: a routine. It’s more about function than anything else, with a few specific exceptions. There some things I do that I'm going to assume are the very things every mom does when she has the bathroom finally to herself, to I do take great pleasure in knowing that I am not alone in my solo-bathroom ventures.

As a working mom, free time is never quite as easy to come by as I’d like it to be. Still, and even though it's difficult, I’ve found occasional ways to grab a few extra minutes here and there. Spoiler alert: the bathroom is one of the places that can help achieve that goal.

Unfortunately, it’s not because my toddler recognizes the closed door is a barrier, because he absolutely does not (although we are working on it). Honestly, t’s because my partner does, and he can help steer my toddler away from that precious barrier-of-a-door, or at least make a valiant effort to/ When he’s successful, here’s a sampling of what I (and most moms, I’m assuming) am up to in there:

She Savors The Entire Experience

Our home bathroom is hardly spa-like, especially since we started potty training and have various pieces of potty gear and kids’ books taking up space in there. Still, when I have a few moments to myself, I’m surprisingly good at ignoring the clutter and taking slow and steady, deep cleansing breaths. It’s a secret talent of mine.

She Probably Won't Even Use The Bathroom

There’s a good chance she's just hanging out, putting lotion on her hands, smelling her body wash, and thinking about things that don’t involve diapers and toy trucks.

She Might Take A Super-Long Shower

One of my best friends grew up with a large number of siblings, and I recently learned that she loves taking showers because, I suspect, it was some of the only real alone time she was able to enjoy growing up. I could never really relate to that, until my son became a toddler and I realized that the shower is one of the few places I can really experience true peace.

She Gets Startled By Her Own Reflection...

Wait, who is that woman? She looks vaguely like me, but in a slightly more tired, weathered kind of way. Plus, why am I all of a sudden noticing her pores?

...Then Stares Into The Mirror

Oh, hello pores. I see you’re still there. You haven’t changed a bit. I’d say that you’re a sight for sore eyes but, well, you’re pores, so I’m actually not going to say that.

She Tries Out A Few Hairstyles

I know there are stereotypes about “mom hair,” but I tried not to think about them too much. Plus, and to be honest, I really have no idea where my current haircut falls on the “mom hair” spectrum. However, I do know that spending a few moments pretending like I have skills, and can achieve prom hair on a random Tuesday morning, is not the worst thing.

She Grooms

Nails? Check. Eyebrows? Check. Various other private matters I’m not willing to discuss on the internet? Check, check, check.

She Does A Few Seconds Of Cleaning

I don’t mean a full top-to-bottom scrub or anything, I’m just talking about a wipe of the counter and the faucet, a swipe on the mirror, and, if I’m feeling really ambitious, a quick declutter of my makeup drawer. The 90 seconds spent doing the bare minimum gives me the energy of at least a half a cup of coffee.

She Tries To Remember What Privacy Feels Like

Wait, so do I close the door? Am I supposed to leave it open? Do I lock it? Where is the light switch? This is all vaguely familiar, but yet still so foreign to me. Why do I suddenly feel overwhelming peace and calm? I’m so confused.

She Practices Award Show Speeches In The Mirror

My personal favorite speech to pretend to deliver is “Mom of the Millennium,” followed closely by “Mom of the Century,” and then, of course, “Mom of the Decade." Finally, I'll end my faux celebratory evening with a nice, "Mom of the Last Five Minutes Because Let's Be Realistic."