Sex and having a baby go hand-in-hand (for most people, although that definitely isn't always the case). Whenever you talk about having a baby, for the most part, sex is involved. Once that baby arrives, however, the sex-game changes and you don't really hear much about postpartum sex or sex after baby. Enter, the internet. Thankfully, Twitter is a thing, and there are some hilarious tweets about postpartum sex that every parent will find funny (and sad, but mostly funny, because if you can't laugh at this stuff you're in trouble.)
When my partner and I decided to continue having sex after having our daughter, and when I decided I was physically and emotionally ready, we didn't take to social media and share our postpartum sex experience like so many of our parenting counterparts. I will say, however, that hearing from other parents about the trials, tribulations and straight-up hilarities that come along with postpartum sex, helped my partner and I to remember that we weren't alone. Postpartum sex isn't necessarily easy (like, at all) and can take some time to get used to. Adding humor and solidarity to the mix made the entire process much easier.
Plus, while it can be exhausting and frustrating and difficult for new parents to find some (read: any) alone time, if you take a step back and look at the entire situation subjectively, you can't help but admit that it's honestly really funny to try to juggle parenting and sex. Like parenthood itself, postpartum sex is another challenge that has the potential to strengthen your relationship and, well, give you a few laughs.
But Parents Don't Have Sex, Right?
Like my mom doesn't need to be having a sex life.— Gøddεssღ (@MoniiBbbyyy) August 8, 2015
That ended after she had kids
Say that to the parents who have multiple children, my friend.
Future Therapy Bills Will Probably Be A Thing
Wife:Crap I'm pretty sure kids heard us having sex! Husband:They're going 2 need therapy after 2nite!— nikola (@nikolemarek) August 7, 2016
Wife: thank god they already go #lol
If you're raising your kid in a sex-positive environment, however, the fact that you and your partner have sex isn't going to be scarring. I promise. When sex is consensual, safe and respectful, it's a pretty awesome thing.
when @KimKardashian asked if having sex is like "throwing a hotdog thru a hallway" after you have kids 樂— snapChat ; xnvri (@xNari__) July 15, 2016
Stop. Just stop. We can't even handle it.
You Do What You Gotta Do
After having kids the majority of your sex life is quickies in the bathroom after you put cartoons on.— Hog Jaws (@Huber138) May 15, 2016
Successful distraction for the kids? Check. Partner? Check. Locked door? Check. Alright, let's go. We have five minutes or less.
Well That's, Um, Different
the worst part of having sex after you have kids is the fact you hear kids TV theme tunes in your head the whole while.— Lara Rix-Martin (@rixtin) June 19, 2016
You try having an orgasm while replaying the theme song to Blue's Clues in your head. Parents are resilient, people.
Sex? Or Sleep? Or Sex? Or Sleep?
You have a very big choice to make: have sex with your partner or get some much needed sleep? Have sex, duh. Unless, of course, you really want sleep. I mean, it's a toss up (and sleep usually wins, most of the time).
Let's Be Real
"This movie is horrific. The parents are having sex. Parents dont have sex after kids. There is no time and they are exhausted." - my ma— Mx Boje (@shannboje) September 12, 2015
Need I say more?
"Getting Lucky" Is Just, Well, Different
In their defense, pizza is almost just as good as sex, so in a way you're not really sacrificing anything. Because pizza.
B4 kids: There is no wrong time for having sex. After kids: There is no time for sex !!— Funny Pappa (@FunnyBaap) May 26, 2016
Vaseline is the best for having sex after you have kids.... Apply it on the doorknob on the outside and kids won't be able to open the door.— Xtraterrestial Fly (@_katungu) December 10, 2015
This is genius. Pure genius. Now, where is my vaseline?
When You Realize You Don't Have To Hide The Fact You're Having SEx...
Carl: "Put the condoms away before my mom comes later"— Jaycee Lake (@JaceLove03) June 23, 2016
Me: "after 2 kids I think its safe to say your parents know we're having sex" #LOL
No need to pretend anymore. After all, babies don't come from storks.