I am going to be completely honest and tell you that, as much as I love babies, I really hate being pregnant. There are miserable parts of each stage of pregnancy but, for me, the first trimester is the worst trimester imaginable. I spent the first three months of pregnancy feeling like I was going to die. It seemed like there were so many things that my body was trying to tell me in the first trimester, and none of them were good.
To make matters worse, my body appeared to be totally confused by the first first trimester. It had no idea what was going on and sent me a ton of conflicting and mixed messages. It said, "Eat this weird food," followed by, "No, don't eat that and never eat that ever again," which was subsequently followed by, "You need to eat something right now." Then, of course, there was the follow up message of, "If you eat, I'll hurl." And hurl I did, my friends, and for months at a time. Morning sickness, afternoon sickness, middle of the night sickness, and for my last two pregnancies, hyperemesis gravidarium, landed me in the hospital for IV fluids and medication. It was honestly the worst time of my life.
Then, there was the horrible fatigue, which caused me to nod off at my desk. There was also the equally horrible inability to sleep, you know, in my bed at night when I actually wanted to. Thank goodness for Facebook friends in Australia, not to mention my lovely buddy, Netflix. My body did so many scary, uncomfortable, and weird things during my first trimester that it made me say, "WTAF?" on a daily basis. To add to the fun, just when it figured out what my body was doing, it was time for the second trimester. Here are just a few things I am sure my body was trying to get across:
When I first got pregnant, my body wanted me to eat everything in sight. I was initially worried that I would gain too much weight. Turns out, this ravenous hunger was not going to last for long.
"Nevermind, I'm Not Letting You Eat Ever Again"
When I was just about six weeks along, the nausea and vomiting started. Mom friends said, "Try some crackers and ginger ale." I did and my body seemed to laugh in response. I spent the rest of the day in the bathroom at work, or trying not to throw up on my desk. Life is so not fair when you're pregnant.
My body desperately wanted sleep at inopportune moments, like in the middle of a staff meeting or while I was on a conference call.
"Nevermind, I'm Not Letting You Sleep Ever Again"
Then, at night, I would lay awake in my bed counting the hours of sleep I would get if I could just fall asleep. Grrr.
"Don't Even Think About Watching A Sad Movie"
I cried at sad movies and books, I cried at commercials featuring older people or kids or Sarah McLachlan singing about animals, and I even cried while petting my cat, because I realized that my kids would probably not remember her when they were grown. Life is too short, you guys.
"Eat Something Weird"
My body wanted me to eat the weirdest foods, like potato chips on ice cream, random snacks, and 5 pounds of clementines in one sitting.
"Never Eat That Again"
Then, I would make my favorite foods — like salad with beets and goat cheese — and my body seemed to say, "No, it's dead to us now."
"Don't Worry, It's Just A Little Blood"
Spotting during pregnancy is the worst. I spotted during all of my pregnancies and it freaked me out. Any time I would call my OB-GYN or research on the internet, I would worry I was going to lose my pregnancy. As a result, I would panic every time I used the bathroom. It was so scary.
"You Have To Pee Again"
I peed all day and all night. On the bright side, at least it kept me from falling asleep at my desk.
"Eat More Fiber Please"
Pregnancy constipation is bad. Constipation when you are dehydrated and taking anti-nausea medication is like nothing your ass has ever seen. It was horrible.
"Just In Case You Forgot You Have Boobs..."
I knew I was pregnant all three times before I ever peed on a stick. How? My boobs became so sensitive that it hurt to shower, and my nipples hurt so bad that running became an endurance sport in more ways than one (how far can I go, and how long can I last, before I have to take off my bra?). While I normally liked having my nipples touched during foreplay, this totally changed during my first trimester, which seriously made me want to say a few things back to my body (mostly composed of four letter words).