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13 Things My Nipples Would've Said To Me In The First Week Of Breastfeeding

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Even if someone has an easy time breastfeeding, I don't think I know anyone who didn't experience a significant learning curve in that first week at least (usually much longer). Some say that pregnancy and the postpartum period is a time to really listen to your body. If you're breastfeeding, it would stand to reason that you should listen to your breasts and nipples. However, the things my nipples would have said to me in the first week of breastfeeding might have been hard to hear at times. After all, they were raw, angry, and insistent. They never let me forget they were there. They were ever-present; every time I turned around I was confronted with my sore, leaky nipples. You'd think I'd be tired of them, and yet I never stopped loving and appreciating the excellent work they were doing.

As such, I believe my nipples would speak to me in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson. With nearly 170 credits to his name in over 45 years (that's almost 4 films a year, on average), he too is pervasive and hardworking. And, like the nipples of a breastfeeding parent, Mr. Jackson and the characters he plays possess an effortless and awe-inspiring competence to the point of excellence in whatever he has dedicated himself to. He just always seems to know WTF he's doing.

Also I really, really want to imagine my nipples talking like Samuel L. Jackson, because it makes my giggle.

What did my nipples say to me in that first trying week of feeding my baby? A lot, and it was some tough motherf***ing love...

"What The Hell Is That?"

GIPHY

"What the f**k is that little bald man doing? Wait, that's not a little bald man. I think that's a small human. But what the hell is he doing? This was never discussed. I was never asked. Back off, little man. Your mother and I need to have a motherf***ing discussion."

"Mouths Are Usually A Very Different Sensation"

"I'm just saying, I've been acquainted with other mouths and none of them have ever done anything like this. They're usually a little more interested in me and not just what I can do for them."

"You're Not Wearing Bras Now? This Is New."

GIPHY

"OK. That's a stupid-ass decision but, unfortunately I am unable to ignore it."

"Do I Look Different To You?"

"I strongly suspect there are some changes going on that you've been too polite to mention to me directly. I have no time for you to be coy with me. Am I bigger? Darker? I feel like I have little bumps on me. Do I have little bumps on me? Speak up, woman!"

"Again?"

GIPHY

"Baby, you were just here an hour ago. I can't have you creeping around here all the damn time. This is not a 24 hour fast food joint where you can order up a Royale with cheese whenever you please."

"OW!"

"This is getting motherf***ing ridiculous! I'm not saying I can't take pain: I can. I'm a motherf***ing badass. But that sh*t still hurts! Stop!"

"B*tch! Get The M!@#$f^&*ing Cream!"

GIPHY

"Woman! I don't know what it is, but if you're going to keep letting that kid chomp me near to death I need you to slather it all over me every five minutes for however long you plan on keeping up with this ridiculous sh*t."

"NO! Tell Them NO!"

"You're the parent! Step up, and before you say a damn thing, I don't care what the 'doctors' and 'experts' say about babies 'needing' to do this every few hours: none of those doctors or experts are an actual nipple. I am a motherf***ing nipple. I am the one who has to deal with this sh*t. And I am telling you I am done."

"Don't F#$%ing Touch Me, Woman!"

GIPHY

"IT HURTS! DAMN IT HURTS! IT'S LIKE I'VE HAD MY ARM CHEWED OFF MY A VELOCIRAPTOR! IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN EATEN BY A SUPER-SMART SHARK THAT JUST JUMPED OUT OF A TANK!"

"Do You Mind? I'm Feeling Pretty Exposed."

"What you do is your business but I've just been, well, out for the last few days. I never get any time cloistered away to myself. I am used to spending most of my days alone. All this daylight does not agree with me."

"I Have Had It With This Motherf*#% Milk Coming Out Of My Motherf#%^ing Face!"

GIPHY

"You have worn me the hell out. I have been worked to damn death. I am going to leave this world bleeding and sore. I have done nothing to deserve such abysmal treatment."

"What's Up With This Bra?"

"So now you're wearing bras again, but you have saddled my ass with the ugliest and weirdest bra I've ever seen in my goddamn life. Where's the lace? Where's the underwire? How do you expect me to feel in this ridiculous thing?"

"I Will Never Forgive You For This"

GIPHY

"And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."