Human beings are inherently messy and disgusting creatures. We're a hotbed of fluids, gases, and smells that remind all of us that though we may ultimately be luminous beings with beautiful hearts and souls, we are surrounded by meat and guts and mucous. Once we're comfortable enough in a relationship, we stop pretending this isn't true and do gross things in front of our partners. Sometimes we don't mean to, like when we accidentally fart on them while spooning (sorry again, sweetie). Sometimes it just sort of happens as a result of life experiences, like that time my husband got me pregnant with a 9 pound, 2 ounce baby whom I pushed out of my vagina, and he was there to see it come out. (Or when, to his horror, he accidentally saw behind the curtain during my c-section.) Oh. But it's not just us. Our partners are just as guilty of being filthy animals as we are.
Remember back in the day, when you and bae first got together and you didn't know what their burps smelled like? Those were the days, huh? I hope you enjoyed them, because now that you're committed to one another — especially if you're committed to parenthood together — those days are gone and lost forever.
They say misery loves company, so I reached out to 13 lucky women to see talk about the most hideous thing their beloved has ever done in front of them. Strap in, these are not for the faint of heart.
"For a while he had this habit of picking his teeth with whatever piece of paper he found lying around... and then put the paper back wherever he'd gotten it from. Half our unopened mail had gross mouth gunk all over it."
Flossing outside of the bathroom. Flick your plaque in the sink please!
"My husband had a terribly sore tailbone, or so he thought. He asked me to look which was basically in his crack. As I was looking something started oozing out. I thought he had lost control of his bowels. Nope a cyst had ruptured and blood and puss were pouring out. I vomited and can barely think about it without feeling ill."
"Taking his sweet ass time to bring up and then vomit into the kitchen sink while I was eating dinner."
Asked me to check him for hemorrhoids because his butt was bleeding. He also borrowed my pads.
"Up until the other day I would have told you about particularly egregious farts (and who doesn't fart?), but the other night he sat in front of a mirror with no pants and started dealing with an infected ingrown hair right next to his balls... and then I helped him, because apparently I have Stockholm Syndrome."
"Gross but funny (now). When I was pregnant with our son, we were laying in bed and he passed gas and it was so bad that I actually vomited."
Popped a zit. On his butt. And then asked me to smell what came out.
"Just insane amounts of farting."
"He would dig in his ear with a finger then smell it right after."
"He "snot rockets" in front of me sometimes. For those (probably everyone else in the world, ever) who are blissfully ignorant of this, it's when one needs to blow their nose, but no tissues are available, or they do not care to walk 8 feet to get tissue, so one nostril is pressed closed as the other is blown out. So unbelievably disgusting. I have seen this done into the bathroom sink, and randomly out and about. By the wonderful man I have chosen to bear children with."
Cut his toe nails in the toilet.
"Shit his pants."
[Writer's note: Lucy's brevity here is so hilariously gorgeous and speaks volumes. What else need be said when your man shits his pants? No story you can tell will unshit his pants, is what I'm saying, so just stick to the facts and move on with your life.]