TED ALJIBE/AFP/Getty Images

14 Things Your Baby Is Thinking During A Diaper Change

By
Share
Ad failed to load

Does anyone else out give their baby an imaginary train of thought, especially when you're in the middle of an otherwise mundane task? Well, I do. My partner and I are constantly attributing dialogue to our son that he’s definitely not saying out loud. Is this fair? Mmm, that’s debatable. But is it entertaining? Yes, yes it is. Recently, I've been imagining what a baby thinks during a diaper change, and using my son's (probable?) internal dialogue to quell my curiosity.

You’d assume that, two years in, I’d be smoother at swapping out my kid's pee pants, but as he gets more mobile I get more clumsy. It’s probably a good his speaking skills reflect his age (two years old) because if he was better at articulating his thoughts, he’d surely put me in my place. I mean, he hasn’t figured out eye rolls yet, but he’s already given his dad a few masterful side eyes at my expense, which makes me both proud and afraid.

To be fair, all of this is speculation and I’m not trying to put words in my son’s mouth. I very much look forward to the day that he can articulate his own thoughts, so he can start owning his emotions and body and sense of self. But, until that day, I can only imagine how tired he is after years of diaper changes, and what that frustration must sound like in his head.

Ad failed to load

So, let's just imagine for a moment that we’re in our baby’s shoes, and take a dive in the rabbit hole of what is going through their mind during a change:

Ad failed to load

“Please Hurry. I’m A Ticking Time Bomb.”

GIPHY

Of course a gentle baby would never threaten to make a mess during a diaper change on purpose. Of course he wouldn't. I mean, not my perfect pudgy babe, right? I mean, whenever it does happen (and it definitely does happen) he just looks at me with a pseudo confused look on his face like, "who, me?"

"It's Cold"

GIPHY

This one is completely understandable and I'm sure my son thinks this on the regular. We wear pants for a multitude of reasons, including warmth (and even though pants can be the worst). I promise, son, I'm hurrying.

"I'm Bored"

GIPHY

Trust me, there are like fifty thousand things I'd rather be doing right now, too. You can give me these 90 seconds so that you don't continually smell like a garbage can full of last night's dinner.

Ad failed to load

"Can You Hand Me, Like, A Book Or A Toy Or Something?"

GIPHY

Sure, yes, here you go please stay calm and stop kicking and squirming. Here is a book! And a toy! And more books! More toys! Confetti shower everywhere! Please just stay still!

"No, Seriously, It's Really Cold"

GIPHY

Oh, right yes, we already covered this. But we can't put your pants back on yet, so, sorry?

"Please Consider Investing In A Wipe Warmer"

GIPHY

Noted. Thanks for saying "please."

Ad failed to load

"I Don't Like The Snaps, Either. You'd Think We'd Have Something Different By Now. They Can Put A Man On The Moon, But They Can't Make Those Easier? It Makes No Sense."

GIPHY

Well, since we've already established your future as a physicist/astronaut/doctor/entrepreneur/rock star (no pressure, I love you, I just want you to be happy), I know you or the teams of people you employ will be all over this someday. But, for now, yes; unsnapping and snapping seventeen thousand little snaps to change your diaper is a necessity. Trust me, dear one, it bugs the you-know-what out of me, too.

"My Toes Are In The Same Place They’ve Always Been, Why Do You Keep Asking?

Giphy

Because it's super cute to see you point them out. Just go with it, please. This opportunity isn't going to stick around forever.

"I Don’t Know Why You’re So Excited About My Tummy. It’s Just A Tummy. I Show It To You All The Time."

GIPHY

Because there has never been a cuter tummy in the history of tummies, okay? I don't ask for much.

Ad failed to load

"YES PLEASE I LOVE YOUR SINGING MOM KEEP SINGING ALL THE TIME FOREVER"

GIPHY

Ask and you shall receive.

"MORE SINGING NOW. SING FOR ME, LADY."

GIPHY

As hard as it is to carry a tune while dealing with these straps, I will do it for you, son.

If You Don’t Hurry, I’m Going To Roll Over And Grab My Dirty Diaper, Just For Kicks"

GIPHY

Challenge accepted. Mom just needs ten more seconds, please. Oh god, please don't actually roll over. Oh, my carpet. Yep, it's ruined. So ruined.

Ad failed to load

"Watch Me Jump Off The Changing Table And Pretend This Wipe Is A Parachute!"

GIPHY

This was not and never will be part of the deal. Get it together, kid.  

"The Time It's Taking You To Change Me Has Given Me A Chance To Consider Some Of The Great Ethical Quandaries Of Our Time. What Is Life? What Is Love? What Is My Purpose On This Planet? How Do I Find My Talents And My Voice And Use Them For Good? I Suppose Wearing Pants With An Elephant Face On The Bottom Is A Good Start."

GIPHY

Right, yes, okay. Let's come back to that one during your next diaper change, shall we? I mean, I'm going to need some time to think.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Umm, Toys "R" Us Has A BOGO 50 Percent Off Deal So You Better Stock Up

After the holidays, you were probably hoping that your kid's massive toy collection would keep him entertained for a little while, at least. But that was wishful thinking, wasn't it? Because now that a couple of months have passed, all those must-hav…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

This Woman Thought She Had An Eyelash Stuck In Her Eye. Then It Moved.

I'm not a person who is easily icked out. As a kid, I collected bugs and thought I was going to be an entomologist and asked Santa Claus for ant farms and nets to catch bees. I'm still super curious about anything that flies and crawls, which might s…
By Karen Fratti

A Hot Mess Mom's Guide To Surviving Winter

As I sit here at my home office in Connecticut, it's cold. Damn cold. Winter is a rough season in New England and it's even worse when you're a parent and have to manage cooped up, restless children. It's even worse when you're a hot mess as it is, u…
By Jamie Kenney

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

11 Ways Your Pregnancy Will Be Different If You Have A Boy Vs A Girl

If you've been pregnant before, you might start comparing your previous pregnancies to that of your current pregnancy. A lot of things can change from pregnancy to pregnancy, based on a whole host of different factors (including how well you remember…
By Lauren Schumacker

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

8 Reasons I Let My Toddler Play Outside Unsupervised

I'm not a helicopter mom, but I'm not exactly a free-range parent either. I like to think of myself as safely ensconced somewhere in the middle. I insist on certain safety measures, like car seats and helmets. I prefer to keep my 2-year-old in my sig…
By Kimmie Fink

12 Moms Share How They Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Unfortunately, we're in the middle of the roughest flu seasons in recent memory. And we’re not totally out of the woods, either. People around the country are still getting the flu, and, sadly, some of them are having to be hospitalized due to flu-re…
By Priscilla Blossom

8 "Mistakes" I'm Glad I Made During My First Pregnancy

As an adult, I've learned you never really stop hating being told what to do. When I was pregnant I was getting instructions at every turn, from doctors, relatives, and complete strangers on the subway. I would nod and smile but then go about making …
By Liza Wyles

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack