Moms are gross. Sorry, but it's true. There's so many disturbing things we do that you non-parents just have no idea about. Why? Because we're either really good at pretending we aren't disgusting, or we just get too busy and forget about our questionable actions. But the time has come to stop living a lie, my fellow moms. Yep, it's time to discuss the gross things no mom will straight-up admit she does, and throw our reputations under the bus, Taylor Swift style. Then we'll finally be free to go about our business in all its reprehensible glory.
Now, I can neither confirm or deny that I've participated in any of the following. But as the mother of two equally gross kids, I can say that maybe I have, maybe I haven't. A little mystery goes a long way, right? Hopefully? (Just say yes and go along with it so I can feel better about the fact that I'm admitting to some truly audacious, shameless, brazen, bizarre actions that have enabled me to keep two children healthy and safe.)
I can say, with 100 percent honesty, that there's very little gross things us moms haven't done in the name of time, brevity, or convenience. Super glamorous, right? Before I was a mom, I'd never in a million years would've imagined I'd be pulling a Lego out of a clogged toilet with my bare hands, or wiping my son's butt with a receipt. But, well, here we are. So with that in mind, here are some gross things us moms have done in that we'd rather keep under wraps.
Again, I admit nothing. NOTHING.
Moms don't always have a tissue on hand to wipe all the snotty noses. I mean, this isn't a perfect world, people. My son currently has one of those colds where he sneezes all the mucus out of his body every two minutes. When I'm in the car, and there's not a thing to wipe the germs off his face so he can breathe, I may, or may not, use my hand. Then I smear whatever is on my hand on my pant leg.
Maybe I use hand sanitizer, and maybe I don't. I guess it just depends on how busy that day is and how prepared I may or may not be.
Have you ever been in the predicament of having a child use the toilet (at home or elsewhere), notice there's no toilet paper, and scour your purse or pockets for whatever you can find to wipe? And maybe there's not even a piece of paper, or receipt, or napkin used to blot lipstick, so you might skip the TP altogether?
Look, it's not the most comfortable thing for the one doing the wiping, or the one being wiped, to just pull the pants right up to deal with later. But, hey, it happens.
Typically, I'm big on the cleanliness of my own body. I guess some would argue to a fault. Sometimes, though, my kids spend so long in the tub that I either forget to soap them or "forget" to soap them (for the sake of getting them out already). As long as they pass the no-smell test when they get out, they're good.
There's a five-second rule for a reason, people, and I am not one to break the rules. But what if you happen to see a piece of (what you think/hope is) chocolate, and have no idea how long it's been there? To eat, or not to eat? Let's just say some of us (read: me) are desperate for a chocolate fix.
OK, I admit it: I've used my saliva to clean my kids' faces, smooth their eyebrows, tame their unmanageable cowlicks, rub a stain out of their disgusting shirts, and fix my daughter's makeup flubs. There probably isn't anything I haven't cleaned with spit. Sorry?
I'm pretty sure everyone does the smelling of armpits and/or baby butts in order to decide whether or not a bath (or a diaper change) is really necessary. With kids, armpits and feet are key. If they don't smell, maybe we can move the bath to the next day? Yeah, that's solid logic if you ask me.
You know those times you lift up the toilet lid and can't quite understand what you're looking at? Kids do gross things into the toilet and, every now and then, the mom has to look a little closer, or worse — dig something out to conclude the investigation.
It's not what I would really consider a good time, but at least I get to pretend I'm some super secret detective for the hour it takes me to clean the bathroom.
My son is notorious for deciding, mid-chew, that he doesn't want the very last bite of peanut butter cookie I really wanted but gave him instead. No mom will admit to letting their child spit into her palm, only eat whatever was previously in her kid's mouth herself, because that would be appalling.*
*Not an admission of guilt
Look, pockets aren't always available. So if your kid needs a snack on-the-go, maybe you put it in your dirty bra you haven't washed in an amount of time you can't calculate so your kid can eat when they're hungry.
I can't say for sure if my bra has, at one time, held a Pop-Tart I knew I'd want while on a run, but you never know. My kids store stuff in weird places all the time, so who cares?
You know "those" mornings where one kid is sick and pukes all over your foot, and the other accidentally missed the toilet and somehow got pee on your shirt but you don't have time to change so you pick up whatever's at the top of the laundry pile to wipe yourself clean (at least for now)? Yeah, me neither.
I mean, if a mom goes so far as to spit-clean everything and use her hand to wipe the snot after a sneeze, is it really beneath her to actually pick a nose when a child is in need? No. No it's not.
Some moms (not naming names) might misplace a toothbrush a time or two, resulting in an epic finger-brushing session that feels too gross to discuss at length. Not that I would know, or anything.
OK, I think it's fair to say there are plenty of moms peeing in showers to "save time." Sorry not sorry, but this is just an efficient bathroom decision.
Oy. Tampons are put in place to do their job, then are quickly forgotten in the midst of parenting, work, and life. I know it's disgusting, but changing your tampon every four-to-six hours is harder than it sounds when you're raising children and working and trying to keep your life together. If there's no pressing need to change it, maybe 10-12 hours is more your speed (though not recommended)?
In an ear to pull our your kid's wax. Between butt cheeks to remove a Lego (true story). In the mouth to "see what's caught between molars." Whatever it is, moms have done it. We're not proud, but it gets the job done.
No one ever said parenting would be easy (they also didn't tell you how gross it'd all be).
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