Jamie Kenney

15 Things A Birth Announcement Would Say If It Was Completely Honest

By
Share
Ad failed to load

Whether posted on social media, sent as a mailed card, or published in a newspaper, a baby's birth announcement is a felicitous signal to the rest of the world that after a tedious and sometimes stressful wait, your little one is here and you're ready for the adventure to begin. Truthfully, with few exceptions they're all pretty much the same. It's the baby's name, weight, length, accompanied by a picture, maybe an inspirational quote, and a message from the parents talking about their joy. But what would a birth announcement say if it was completely honest? So, so much more.

Let's face it; birth and the earliest days of parenting a newborn are not everything the impeccably designed birth announcements — with their pastels and artfully whimsical fonts and retouched professional photography — would lead us to believe. Honestly, that's fine, because if we were too honest about it no one would ever try to get pregnant again. Besides, sometimes glazing over the details paints a more important and in some ways more accurate picture of how we feel overall than relating the nitty gritty ever could. More often than not, it's not the sleeplessness and labor pains we remember most vividly, but how full of love we felt in those moments and despite the numerous hardships.

Still, even though the warm and fuzzy feelings every parent of a newborn feels is real, there's no denying that birth announcements are almost laughably incomplete. If they were completely and 100 percent honest, they'd look a little something like this...

Ad failed to load

"We Know The Baby Looks Squished And Pretty Much Like Any Other Baby Ever At This Point"

giphy

Don't get us wrong: we think this baby is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen in our lives, at least on an emotional level. However, we're not blind. This kid had a rough trip out of the birth canal and it shows.

Their head is comically conical. One ear is, like, folded in on itself like an floaty toy that hasn't been inflated all the way. On top of that, all babies look pretty much the same anyway. Oh, we will continue to swoon and we expect you to gush all over every picture we post to social media, but know that we know this is largely ceremonial gushing on your part (and we appreciate it). Also, it took our photographer about an hour to get this one particular shot and we want to believe it was worth the effort.

"That Birth Class Was Useless"

Oh, really? I'm supposed to breathe? Like, what were the odds I was going to stop breathing all together? Eventually I was going to start back up again and if I didn't, we would have had a much bigger problem on our hands that I'm pretty sure no birth class can really help with. Look, it's lovely that some people get a lot out of their birth class. We did not. We sincerely doubt we're alone in this and we resent a whole lot of you for not telling us before we spent that $350.

"I Pooped While Pushing. Ask Me If I Care."

tumblr

Despite this being mom's biggest fear pre-birth, discussed at length with her OB, therapist, all her friends, and her partner, when it happened she could not have cared less. If anything, she felt pretty accomplished that something came out of her after all that pushing.

Ad failed to load

"The Birth Plan Was Ripped Up, Set On Fire, And Shall Never Be Spoken Of Ever Again"

We encourage everyone to live their best life and do what's best for them. Our birth plan was not conducive to us living our best life.

Here is what we will say on the issue: its specificity and rigidity was, we admit, naive and at times misguided.

Here is what we will not say: we will not talk about the playlist we included (so much Adele), or the shaman we wanted called at the beginning of active labor (she was not called). We will certainly not be discussing certain, emphatically worded pain management "commandments" that were all thrown out the window within 45 minutes of admission.

Henceforth, anyone who brings up the birth plan ever again shall be shunned, and baby snuggling privileges shall be revoked or withheld.

"My Partner Is Haunted By What They Saw Happen To My Vajay, But They're A Trooper And Will Eventually Be Fine"

giphy

It was like a Tarantino movie and they had a front row seat. We are having a lot of discussions about feelings and the resilience and elasticity of the vagina. We're going to get through this.

"Approximately 97% Of Everything Brought In The Meticulously Planned Out Hospital Bag Went Untouched"

When the hell did we think we were going to have time to use the massage oil? Or finally start reading Infinite Jest? And why did we pack 27 different outfits? It was birth, not a Lady Gaga concert; ain't nobody got time for multiple costume changes. Oh and mom's going home outfit? The white dress? Great idea when you're still gushing blood and wearing a phone book-sized pad.

Ad failed to load

"Never Let Anyone Tell You Labor Is Just 'Pressure,' Because That Sh*t HURT"

giphy

Birth class teacher, we're looking squarely at you, you lying liar.

"There Is No Garment On Earth More Comfortable Or Useful Than Mesh Panties"

For real, any of y'all going for a baby any time soon and wondering what sort of underwear the birthing parent should bring with them to the hospital or birth center: don't even bother. Just nab a billion pairs of those hideous mesh underwear that make your nethers look like a mummy (which makes sense, because everything down there feels dead for a while). They're fantastic, if ephemeral, and you should just plan on wearing those for as long as humanly possible.

"We Stole A College Tuition's Worth Of Diapers From The Nurse's Station"

imgur

They were just there. Besides, one of the cool nurses told us to take as many as we could and we were not shy about taking her up on it. Also, do you have any idea how expensive diapers are or how much a newborn pees and poops? Speaking of which.

Ad failed to load

"The Baby's First Poop At The Hospital Was Like Something Out Of A Horror Movie"

Like you know in horror movies where this thick black goo spills out of people's mouths or eyes or whatever else in a supernatural manner? That's basically what meconium poop looks like. If you don't know what meconium poop is or looks like, don't look it up. It will haunt your dreams, as it does ours. You will toss and turn wondering how such a hideous, tar-like substance could come out of your child. You wonder if there is something evil inside of them. You will worry you are all damned.

"Breastfeeding Is As Confusing And Awful As The Most Complicated, Nonsensical Season Of Lost"

giphy

Anyone who says breastfeeding is "the most natural thing in the world" can bite our collective ass. You'd think it's pretty straightforward, but no. Neither of us knows what we're doing or how to help and the baby certainly isn't contributing to our goal which is like, "Umm... you're the baby; this is one of, like, three things you're supposed to know how to do. Could you work with us?" But questions lead to more questions.

"Too Many People Came To Visit And Stayed Too Long"

We get it, you want to come fawn over our admittedly average-looking baby who can only really sleep and make horrifying poops (and can't even eat properly yet), but we're really just trying to rest and get our sh*t together. We'd appreciate your giving us time and space to do that. So, for real; pretend you're a vampire and do not enter our house unless you're invited.

Ad failed to load

"We're Including The Birth Weight But Why Do You Even Care?"

giphy

Seriously, why? Why is this a thing? Do you want to know how long you'd have to cook it for or something? Please don't cook our baby. We like our baby. In fact, we do have the sudden urge to chew on our baby's adorable little cheeks. But, no, we do not want to eat our baby.

"The Baby Is Not The Only One Crapping Their Pants. We Are Legit Terrified."

We're smiling, but we assure you we are screaming internally. Like, we sort of can't believe the hospital is just letting us waltz out of here with this kid without once checking our credentials. (Spoilers, btw: we have no credentials. Literally none.)

"We're All In Love And So Happy To Be A Family"

giphy

It really is pretty amazing. Honestly.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

6 Early Signs You're Going To Have A Short Labor, According To Experts

As far as I'm concerned, a short labor is right up there with winning the lottery in terms of lucky life events. (And when I was actually in labor, I would absolutely have traded a bucketful of lottery winnings for a speedier birth.) While some women…
By Kelly Mullen-McWilliams

Kids Will Love These TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix In March

You can always count on Netflix to keep it fresh: though there are already so many movies and shows to choose from, every month there's an influx of new content to keep your entire family entertained. As February enters its final weeks, it's time to …
By Megan Walsh

Here Are 10 Ways To Boost Your Baby's Immunity To The Flu

As I'm sure you've read in the thousands upon thousands of articles written about it this winter, the flu is spreading like wildfire and it's bad. Really bad. This strand of flu is the worst we've had in a very long time and it's the most widespread,…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Khloé Kardashian Asked Twitter About Her Bump, & Moms Totally Delivered

Like her younger sister Kylie Jenner, Khloé Kardashian managed to keep most of her pregnancy a sort-of secret. But unlike Jenner, Kardashian chose to publicly announce her pregnancy several months before the baby's due date. While there's no wrong wa…
By Sophie Hirsh

21 Moms Share The Most Surprising Part About Having A C-Section

Honestly, I don't think we, as a culture, talk about C-sections nearly enough, especially considering so many mothers experience them. And because of a number of factors, the little we do talk about it always seems to be a familiar narrative: "It's n…
By Jamie Kenney

13 Yummy Instant Pot Recipes To Make Under 30 Minutes

An Instant Pot seems to be the must-have appliance in every kitchen these days. If you are anything like me and never knew the beauty of a Instant Pot, you are about to have your life changed. Basically, you put some ingredients into a pot, set the t…
By Kristin Manna

9 Things The First Six Months Of Motherhood Will Teach You About Your Baby

Personally, the first six months of motherhood was a mixed bag. I learned some harsh lessons about myself that made taking care of my baby seem overwhelming. For example, I was clueless, and no amount of research could help me feel like anything but …
By Steph Montgomery

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack