Rostislav Sedlacek/Fotolia

17 Things I'd Rather Lose In 2018 Than Weight

Ad failed to load

I dread the end of the holiday season. It's not so much the end of festivities I dislike — I'm usually pretty ready to shut the whole thing down in short order — it's that I don't want what's coming next: New Year's Resolutions. Most of the time they're about losing weight, and most of the rest of the time they're secretly about losing weight. "Eating healthier" and "exercising more" are, nine times out of 10, not-so-subtle code for "lose weight.: If that's what you want, fine, but honestly I can think of so many things I'd rather lose in 2018 than weight.

I feel as though 2016 was universally acknowledged to be a dumpsterfire of a year, and it seems like a lot of the flaming garbage from that dumpster jumped into the 2017 dumpster and continued its path of destruction. So I get the appeal of resolutions; the hopeful promise that something positive is bound to happen in the coming year, regardless.

That's not to say nothing good came of 2017, of course. In fact, personally, it was a great year! But in the grand scheme of things, there was so much about it I'd like to slough off in the coming year, and the 10 or so pounds I gained is nowhere near the top of the list. There's too much other crap to do away with that would make my life so much better than being however many pounds lighter would. For example:

Ad failed to load

Beauty Standards


Can 2018 just be the year we're done with them all together? That would be fan-friggen-tastic. No more quantifying our worth based on the (highly variable) number in our jeans or what we see on a scale. Pretty will no longer be the price of admission for women existing in the public sphere. No more apologizing for posting a makeup-free selfie. No more having to wear anything we don't want or being pressured out of wearing something we do want. Long, silky, blonde hair will no longer be the one type of hair we accept as beautiful. All skin tones will be celebrated. The appearance-centric diet and fitness industries will be burned to the ground and rebuilt to focus on health, wellness, and fun.

Beauty will be acknowledged as being in the eye of the beholder. Everyone will just do their thing and those who find it beautiful will find it beautiful and those who don't won't and that won't be a problem because we're not placing a premium on the concept of beauty anymore.

This can all definitely be done in a year, right?

Republican Majority In Congress

Tuesday, November 6, 2018. That's 310 days of 2018 to get this done, everyone. Register, organize, donate, campaign, and vote.

I guess this advice stands no matter what your political affiliation, but I'm going to really, super encourage all the non-Republicans, for personal reasons.

A Trump Presidency


While we're on the topic of politics...

I know it's a long shot. I know it's without precedent. I know he won't make it easy in the (again) unlikely event that we get a crack at this, but a girl can dream.

So I guess this headline is a little bit of a lie, because there's about 250 pounds I'd like to lose in 2018.

Ad failed to load

Annoying "Friends" On Social Media

Every now and then, I take a virtual stroll through what I like to call "The Graveyard of the Unfollowed." I look at the list of all the people I've unfollowed (but not unfriended) and reminisce about what landed them there. (In light of my last two points, it should come as no surprise that most of them were sent spiraling into social media oblivion for obnoxious and inflammatory political nonsense.)

I know what you're thinking: why don't I just unfriend them? Honestly, it doesn't mean enough to me to take any action on my own, particularly since I don't really have to deal with them at all and I don't want to deal with any potential drama that would ensue from having unfriended them. But having the knowledge that they unfriended me and that I don't actually have to deal with them anymore in any way would be lovely.

Gimmick Foods


If I see one more goddamn video about this "hot new food trend" in some major metropolitan area I'm going to claw my own eyes out, cover them in chocolate sauce and bacon, and then claim them as the next hot new food trend.

"It's a fried chicken-filled taco, with waffle shell, deep-friend, then baked into an apple pie that's topped with ice cream!" "It's a rainbow milkshake, swirled with sparkly cake batter served in a 50 gallon fish tank, topped with 47 cupcakes that are filled with pudding and topped with king-sized candy bars!"

Stop. Enough. No more ridiculous food combinations. No more rainbows in our baked goods and beverages. These items exist solely for the Insta post and I'm done. Eat food that actually tastes good and that won't give you a heart attack if you eat it all in one sitting.

Articles About How Awful Millennials Are

We've been blamed for so much (the deaths of chain restaurants, home ownership, and engagement rings) that I'm seriously waiting for some smug analyst to blame millennials for the sinking of the Titanic.

Please knock it off. Honestly, these hot takes say far less about us than they do about you, namely that you're out of touch and cranky. (Or, if you're a millennial writing hate-articles about millennials, out of touch, cranky, and self-loathing.)

Ad failed to load



I feel like the wrong kinds of people lost their inhibitions last year, namely violent and oppressive racists and misogynists. This needs to be the year that more people who oppose those ideologies become less inhibited.

But to the regular, nice people who just want to be happy and do their thing but worry about what people thing of them: follow your bliss, people!

The Sense Of Dread I Feel When I See Someone I Admire Trending On Twitter

Oh my God. Did they die? Did they do something terrible? Please, dear God, not this one. Let me have one nice thing. You've taken everything else from me. Please not them, too.

The Term "Alt-Right"


Because that's not a thing. Y'all are Nazis. How do I know that? Well, I worked in a Holocaust museum and I know a Nazi when I see one. But even if I didn't, the tactics, language, and big ol' swastika flags are a pretty good indicator. At best you're fascists and, sweetheart, that's a mere baby step above full-blown Nazi.

Obfuscating language is a huge aspect of what enabled Hitler and his ilk to rise to power in Germany in the 1930s, and I'll have none of that bullsh*t on my watch. I long-ago eliminated the term from my vocabulary, and I'd like to see everyone else do the same.

Ad failed to load

Rose Gold

We don't have to give up the rose gold items we have, but maybe we can chill on making new rose gold items. It's just a lot at this point. We need to calm down a little bit.



I came of age in the '90s and early '00s, when body glitter was all the rage, so I get it and was initially happy to see a glitter revival. But we've gone overboard and we need to just stop all-together. First and most importantly, glitter is bad for the environment. Secondly, just enough, all right? It's too much at this point. We need markedly less glitter in our lives.

Male Entitlement, Ignorance, & Inaction

Women did the heavy lifting in 2017 (what else is new) with #MeToo. Now it's the guys' turn because we're tired AF.

Men: there are a ton of you and the ones I know are mostly cool. You've got this. Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, not all men, but enough men that this is actually a huge problem.

So, in 2018, we're losing male entitlement to female bodies, men pretending they don't know this happens on a regular damn basis, and men sitting idly by while we have to put up with it.

Ad failed to load


Sailor J on YouTube

This video from @_xjjsmithx_ highlights all my feelings on contouring in a super cheeky, hilarious way. But to sum it up:

So let's just let that die. In losing contour, we shall find our noses once again. Worth it.

Having To Wipe My Daughter's Butt

I've been wiping her butt for over three goddamn years. I feel like she should have a better handle on this by now. I'm over it.

"Do you really want to talk about this on the internet? Don't you worry you'll embarrass your daughter one day?"

If she has no problem making me deal with her literal sh*t, I'm not going to have any qualms about talking about it in front of strangers.

Having To Wait For The Next Installment of 'Game Of Thrones'


My 6-year-old son was literally in my womb when I bought the last book. I've waited almost seven years for Winds of Winter. Mr. Martin, tell me what you need to make this happen. Help me help you. The show has been keeping the lack of a new book bearable, but the show isn't coming back until 2019! I can only re-read the old ones so many times, George. Work with me here.

Ad failed to load

Weird YouTube Channels

Really, child of mine? You have 20 minutes of screen time and you want to watch some other kid play with a toy you own? You don't want, maybe, to watch something with a narrative? Maybe a sing-along? What's that? Oh, some weird adult opening Easter eggs? I, um, feel like this is unwholesome somehow.

*Googles these videos.*

Wait, they make how much doing this nonsense?! Goddamnit.

In lieu of these videos going away (which I suspect they won't since they're so damn lucrative) I would accept my children losing interest in them instead.

The Often Paralyzing Sense Of Anxiety & Helplessness This Year Has Induced


It's been a doozy. But, and maybe this is simply out of self-preservation, I'm feeling slightly more optimistic about 2018...

... if only we can lose the weight of all this bullsh*t.

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

6 Early Signs You're Going To Have A Short Labor, According To Experts

As far as I'm concerned, a short labor is right up there with winning the lottery in terms of lucky life events. (And when I was actually in labor, I would absolutely have traded a bucketful of lottery winnings for a speedier birth.) While some women…
By Kelly Mullen-McWilliams

Kids Will Love These TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix In March

You can always count on Netflix to keep it fresh: though there are already so many movies and shows to choose from, every month there's an influx of new content to keep your entire family entertained. As February enters its final weeks, it's time to …
By Megan Walsh

Here Are 10 Ways To Boost Your Baby's Immunity To The Flu

As I'm sure you've read in the thousands upon thousands of articles written about it this winter, the flu is spreading like wildfire and it's bad. Really bad. This strand of flu is the worst we've had in a very long time and it's the most widespread,…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Khloé Kardashian Asked Twitter About Her Bump, & Moms Totally Delivered

Like her younger sister Kylie Jenner, Khloé Kardashian managed to keep most of her pregnancy a sort-of secret. But unlike Jenner, Kardashian chose to publicly announce her pregnancy several months before the baby's due date. While there's no wrong wa…
By Sophie Hirsh

21 Moms Share The Most Surprising Part About Having A C-Section

Honestly, I don't think we, as a culture, talk about C-sections nearly enough, especially considering so many mothers experience them. And because of a number of factors, the little we do talk about it always seems to be a familiar narrative: "It's n…
By Jamie Kenney

13 Yummy Instant Pot Recipes To Make Under 30 Minutes

An Instant Pot seems to be the must-have appliance in every kitchen these days. If you are anything like me and never knew the beauty of a Instant Pot, you are about to have your life changed. Basically, you put some ingredients into a pot, set the t…
By Kristin Manna

9 Things The First Six Months Of Motherhood Will Teach You About Your Baby

Personally, the first six months of motherhood was a mixed bag. I learned some harsh lessons about myself that made taking care of my baby seem overwhelming. For example, I was clueless, and no amount of research could help me feel like anything but …
By Steph Montgomery

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack