Rostislav Sedlacek/Fotolia

17 Things I'd Rather Lose In 2018 Than Weight

By
Share
Ad failed to load

I dread the end of the holiday season. It's not so much the end of festivities I dislike — I'm usually pretty ready to shut the whole thing down in short order — it's that I don't want what's coming next: New Year's Resolutions. Most of the time they're about losing weight, and most of the rest of the time they're secretly about losing weight. "Eating healthier" and "exercising more" are, nine times out of 10, not-so-subtle code for "lose weight.: If that's what you want, fine, but honestly I can think of so many things I'd rather lose in 2018 than weight.

I feel as though 2016 was universally acknowledged to be a dumpsterfire of a year, and it seems like a lot of the flaming garbage from that dumpster jumped into the 2017 dumpster and continued its path of destruction. So I get the appeal of resolutions; the hopeful promise that something positive is bound to happen in the coming year, regardless.

That's not to say nothing good came of 2017, of course. In fact, personally, it was a great year! But in the grand scheme of things, there was so much about it I'd like to slough off in the coming year, and the 10 or so pounds I gained is nowhere near the top of the list. There's too much other crap to do away with that would make my life so much better than being however many pounds lighter would. For example:

Ad failed to load

Beauty Standards

Giphy

Can 2018 just be the year we're done with them all together? That would be fan-friggen-tastic. No more quantifying our worth based on the (highly variable) number in our jeans or what we see on a scale. Pretty will no longer be the price of admission for women existing in the public sphere. No more apologizing for posting a makeup-free selfie. No more having to wear anything we don't want or being pressured out of wearing something we do want. Long, silky, blonde hair will no longer be the one type of hair we accept as beautiful. All skin tones will be celebrated. The appearance-centric diet and fitness industries will be burned to the ground and rebuilt to focus on health, wellness, and fun.

Beauty will be acknowledged as being in the eye of the beholder. Everyone will just do their thing and those who find it beautiful will find it beautiful and those who don't won't and that won't be a problem because we're not placing a premium on the concept of beauty anymore.

This can all definitely be done in a year, right?

Republican Majority In Congress

Tuesday, November 6, 2018. That's 310 days of 2018 to get this done, everyone. Register, organize, donate, campaign, and vote.

I guess this advice stands no matter what your political affiliation, but I'm going to really, super encourage all the non-Republicans, for personal reasons.

A Trump Presidency

Giphy

While we're on the topic of politics...

I know it's a long shot. I know it's without precedent. I know he won't make it easy in the (again) unlikely event that we get a crack at this, but a girl can dream.

So I guess this headline is a little bit of a lie, because there's about 250 pounds I'd like to lose in 2018.

Ad failed to load

Annoying "Friends" On Social Media

Every now and then, I take a virtual stroll through what I like to call "The Graveyard of the Unfollowed." I look at the list of all the people I've unfollowed (but not unfriended) and reminisce about what landed them there. (In light of my last two points, it should come as no surprise that most of them were sent spiraling into social media oblivion for obnoxious and inflammatory political nonsense.)

I know what you're thinking: why don't I just unfriend them? Honestly, it doesn't mean enough to me to take any action on my own, particularly since I don't really have to deal with them at all and I don't want to deal with any potential drama that would ensue from having unfriended them. But having the knowledge that they unfriended me and that I don't actually have to deal with them anymore in any way would be lovely.

Gimmick Foods

Giphy

If I see one more goddamn video about this "hot new food trend" in some major metropolitan area I'm going to claw my own eyes out, cover them in chocolate sauce and bacon, and then claim them as the next hot new food trend.

"It's a fried chicken-filled taco, with waffle shell, deep-friend, then baked into an apple pie that's topped with ice cream!" "It's a rainbow milkshake, swirled with sparkly cake batter served in a 50 gallon fish tank, topped with 47 cupcakes that are filled with pudding and topped with king-sized candy bars!"

Stop. Enough. No more ridiculous food combinations. No more rainbows in our baked goods and beverages. These items exist solely for the Insta post and I'm done. Eat food that actually tastes good and that won't give you a heart attack if you eat it all in one sitting.

Articles About How Awful Millennials Are

We've been blamed for so much (the deaths of chain restaurants, home ownership, and engagement rings) that I'm seriously waiting for some smug analyst to blame millennials for the sinking of the Titanic.

Please knock it off. Honestly, these hot takes say far less about us than they do about you, namely that you're out of touch and cranky. (Or, if you're a millennial writing hate-articles about millennials, out of touch, cranky, and self-loathing.)

Ad failed to load

Inhibitions

Giphy

I feel like the wrong kinds of people lost their inhibitions last year, namely violent and oppressive racists and misogynists. This needs to be the year that more people who oppose those ideologies become less inhibited.

But to the regular, nice people who just want to be happy and do their thing but worry about what people thing of them: follow your bliss, people!

The Sense Of Dread I Feel When I See Someone I Admire Trending On Twitter

Oh my God. Did they die? Did they do something terrible? Please, dear God, not this one. Let me have one nice thing. You've taken everything else from me. Please not them, too.

The Term "Alt-Right"

Giphy

Because that's not a thing. Y'all are Nazis. How do I know that? Well, I worked in a Holocaust museum and I know a Nazi when I see one. But even if I didn't, the tactics, language, and big ol' swastika flags are a pretty good indicator. At best you're fascists and, sweetheart, that's a mere baby step above full-blown Nazi.

Obfuscating language is a huge aspect of what enabled Hitler and his ilk to rise to power in Germany in the 1930s, and I'll have none of that bullsh*t on my watch. I long-ago eliminated the term from my vocabulary, and I'd like to see everyone else do the same.

Ad failed to load

Rose Gold

We don't have to give up the rose gold items we have, but maybe we can chill on making new rose gold items. It's just a lot at this point. We need to calm down a little bit.

Glitter

Giphy

I came of age in the '90s and early '00s, when body glitter was all the rage, so I get it and was initially happy to see a glitter revival. But we've gone overboard and we need to just stop all-together. First and most importantly, glitter is bad for the environment. Secondly, just enough, all right? It's too much at this point. We need markedly less glitter in our lives.

Male Entitlement, Ignorance, & Inaction

Women did the heavy lifting in 2017 (what else is new) with #MeToo. Now it's the guys' turn because we're tired AF.

Men: there are a ton of you and the ones I know are mostly cool. You've got this. Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, not all men, but enough men that this is actually a huge problem.

So, in 2018, we're losing male entitlement to female bodies, men pretending they don't know this happens on a regular damn basis, and men sitting idly by while we have to put up with it.

Ad failed to load

Contouring

Sailor J on YouTube

This video from @_xjjsmithx_ highlights all my feelings on contouring in a super cheeky, hilarious way. But to sum it up:

Perhaps in a better world, women wouldn't feel like they have to contour, being as it has nothing to do with experimentation or artistry. But since it's simply for the d*ck we have to do it.

So let's just let that die. In losing contour, we shall find our noses once again. Worth it.

Having To Wipe My Daughter's Butt

I've been wiping her butt for over three goddamn years. I feel like she should have a better handle on this by now. I'm over it.

"Do you really want to talk about this on the internet? Don't you worry you'll embarrass your daughter one day?"

If she has no problem making me deal with her literal sh*t, I'm not going to have any qualms about talking about it in front of strangers.

Having To Wait For The Next Installment of 'Game Of Thrones'

Giphy

My 6-year-old son was literally in my womb when I bought the last book. I've waited almost seven years for Winds of Winter. Mr. Martin, tell me what you need to make this happen. Help me help you. The show has been keeping the lack of a new book bearable, but the show isn't coming back until 2019! I can only re-read the old ones so many times, George. Work with me here.

Ad failed to load

Weird YouTube Channels

Really, child of mine? You have 20 minutes of screen time and you want to watch some other kid play with a toy you own? You don't want, maybe, to watch something with a narrative? Maybe a sing-along? What's that? Oh, some weird adult opening Easter eggs? I, um, feel like this is unwholesome somehow.

*Googles these videos.*

Wait, they make how much doing this nonsense?! Goddamnit.

In lieu of these videos going away (which I suspect they won't since they're so damn lucrative) I would accept my children losing interest in them instead.

The Often Paralyzing Sense Of Anxiety & Helplessness This Year Has Induced

Giphy

It's been a doozy. But, and maybe this is simply out of self-preservation, I'm feeling slightly more optimistic about 2018...

... if only we can lose the weight of all this bullsh*t.

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

The Reason Why Babies Smile At You Will Seriously Make You Smile

Whether you're currently the recipient of your own baby's sweet smiles or you just seem to be a magnet for baby grins in general, you might find yourself wondering why babies are always smiling at you. Sure, you could be a 'smile whisperer' but scien…
By Kate Miller

8 Ways Your Baby Is Trying To Say That, Yes, You Are Their Favorite

For a baby to show a preference for a specific person is not only normal, but an essential part of their development. Babies need to form strong attachments to their caregivers for their emotional, social, and physical wellbeing. Usually, but not alw…
By Kimmie Fink

10 Reasons Why I Won't Apologize For Giving My Toddler A Pacifier

My first child had no interest in a pacifier. I tried a couple times to get him to take one, but he always spat them out and gave me an incredulous, judgmental look. But my second? It was love at first suckle. And after a while, the incredulous, judg…
By Jamie Kenney

Being A Dog Parent Prepared Me For Having A Baby, Really

I’ve always wanted kids; I was never as sure about raising a puppy. Then I spent six months living with someone who brought home an eight-week-old golden retriever puppy, and I see no way to make it out of that experience claiming not to love dogs. I…
By Heather Caplan

20 Of The Most Popular Unisex Names Of All Time, That You'll Be Hearing More Of For Sure

You might think of unisex names as a fairly recent trend, but the truth is these versatile monikers have been commonly used throughout history (well, some more commonly than others). That's why the team over at Names.org recently compiled a list of t…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

How To Have A Date Night With No Babysitter, Because It's Easier Than You Think

After having children, many couples feel that their love lives immediately go out the window, but it's so important to make your romantic life a priority so both you and your partner can be the best versions of yourselves you can be. As we all know, …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

9 Ways Baby No. 3 Made My Family Feel Complete

My husband and I decided to have another baby right after we got married and, well, we had no idea what we were getting into. I got pregnant right away, endured a high-risk pregnancy, and, before I knew it, my third baby had arrived. Together, we emb…
By Steph Montgomery

8 Stereotypes About New Dads That Are *Totally* True

Much like new mothers, new fathers have a lot on their plate. Parenting can be scary and complex, especially at first and regardless of your gender. People want to do right by their kids, after all. And since all new parents are a hot mess, dads are …
By Priscilla Blossom

8 Differences Between Being Pregnant In Your 20s Vs 30s, According To Science

Whether you're planning a pregnancy, or just thinking about your future family, it's typical to think about things like child-spacing, how many kids you want, and when to start trying to conceive. When making your pro/con list, you might also conside…
By Steph Montgomery

16 Moms Share Remedies For Their Most Intense Chocolate Cravings During Pregnancy

For better or worse, pregnancy is usually synonymous with odd cravings. Sure, there are the stereotypical combos like pickles and ice cream that plague gestating women the world over, but there are other mind-boggling combinations, too, including but…
By Candace Ganger

Putting Sunscreen On Your Kid Doesn't Have To Be A Fight — Here's How To Do It

I am almost translucent, so me and sunscreen are basically besties at this point. Even though my children are beautifully deep brown thanks to my husband's genetics, I still slather them like biscuits being buttered because I refuse to take risks wit…
By Cat Bowen

7 Things A Mom Really Means When She Says She Doesn't Want Anything On Mother's Day

Every year my family asks me what I want for Mother's Day, and every single year I tell them the same thing: Nothing. So, by now, they know that when I say "nothing" I absolutely do not mean "nothing." In fact, there are more than a few things a mom …
By Candace Ganger

19 Moms Share The Way They Cured Their Pregnancy Comfort Food Cravings

I was obnoxiously sick during the first trimester with, "lucky" for me, both of my pregnancies. For the first three months I lived on saltines, lemonade, and fresh bread. Once I was able to eat, however, all I wanted was savory and sweet comfort food…
By Dina Leygerman

8 Fascinating Facts About Babies Born In May, The Luckiest Month Of All

The height of all things fresh and springy, May is an excellent month to have a baby. It's a time of growth, graduations, and outdoor celebrations. And these fascinating facts about May babies will give you more reasons than ever to appreciate childr…
By Lindsay E. Mack

I Used To Judge Formula-Feeding Moms — Until I Became One

The other patrons in the hip Brooklyn restaurant probably couldn’t care less what I was feeding my baby, but I’ll always remember the shame I felt as I quickly mixed up his bottle of formula in front of them. I admitted to my childless friend that I …
By Katherine Martinelli

7 White Lies It’s Necessary To Tell To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

Telling lots of lies typically isn't associated with a healthy, strong, lasting relationship, and that's still certainly true, but not all lies are exactly the same. Though you've probably heard from someone at least once or twice that the lie they t…
By Lauren Schumacker

The Skinny Jeans That Saved Me Postpartum

Accepting my post-pregnancy body is hands-down one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. It’s something that I still work on every single day. During my first pregnancy, I was 20 years old, so I managed to bounce back quickly. In fact, I dropp…
By Allison Cooper

7 Ways Your Baby Is Trying To Say They Feel Safe

In those first weeks of new motherhood, it can feel like you need an interpreter for your newborn. With their limited means of communication, figuring out what message your baby is trying to get across to you can be a challenge. With time, however, y…
By Kimmie Fink

Here's Why Dogs Are Obsessed With Babies' Poop, According To Science

Most family dogs seem to understand babies, and they're more than happy to make friends with the newest member of the pack. It's adorable... for the most part and until you go to change your little one's diaper. Suddenly, you're wondering why dogs ar…
By Lindsay E. Mack

6 Signs You're Meant To Have A Big Age Gap Between Kids

There's a five year age difference between my two children, to the day. Their age gap wasn't planned but, for a variety of reasons, works well for our family. And since I was so focused on having a second baby, I totally overlooked the signs that wou…
By Candace Ganger

My Dog Knew I Was Pregnant Before My Family Did

Growing up, I was 100 percent sure I'd be a mom one day. To a dog, that is. My baby plans came later. And once my husband and I were sure we wanted both a dog and a baby, we'd add to our joint dog-and-baby name list over Sunday brunch or on date nigh…
By Melissa Mills
)}