What I Think Every Time My Kid Hears Me Having Sex

Every once in a while (more or less and certainly depending on the person) mom's need, you know, "grown up time." And, every once in a while, things will get noisy because, hello: this is sex we're talking about. That means, however, that every once in a while a kid will hear that noise. While every mother is different (and hopefully sex positive) there are more than a few tried-and-true thoughts that go through every mom's head when she realizes her kid can hear her having sex. Usually, those thoughts resemble something along the lines of panic.

When I've been enjoying an (definitely earned) orgasm, only to realize my children can hear me, I've come pretty close to freaking out. One knock of the headboard into the wall, one squeaky bed spring, or one stray vocalization is enough to wake my kid up. Light sleepers are the worst. So everything, and I mean everything, stops cold until my partner and I are certain our son isn't walking down the hall to investigate. Once we're sure the coast is clear, it's the possibility of my kid walking in on us is still there, in the back of my mind, just waiting for that door to open, just waiting to hear someone say "mama."

You could be the most sex-positive person on the planet, but I would say that nobody really wants their children walking in on them when they're having sex. I mean, that's just not a situation you look forward to talking your way through. It happens though. It happens to everyone, I'm pretty sure. So at least we can offer off nods of solidarity to one another, right?

"Don't Get Up. Don't Get Up. Don't Get Up."

The very first thing I think is, "OMG, please don't get out of bed and walk in this room!" Every parent has this innate fear their kid walking in during "sexy time," and when you think you've been overheard that fear becomes a beast.

"I Need To Be Able To See The Door"

You're gonna want eyes on the door, just in case. Kids are super sneaky so if your little one does decide to investigate the noise they heard, you'll want to be able to act as quickly as possible.

"Where The Hell Are My Pants?"

It doesn't take long for me to start taking an instantaneous mental inventory of where all my clothes hastily landed. In fact, I'll usually reach out and grab a hold of my pants, just in case I need to cover up pretty quickly.

"OK, Would You Stop Doing That?"

When I'm laser-focused on whether or not I just heard the door open, anything else that's happening (even if it was fun just a few seconds ago) needs to stop immediately. If I don't have to deal with any distractions, I can confirm if the "eagle has definitely landed."

Sex when you're a mom is a job, people.

"Maybe They'll Just Go Back To Sleep?"

It's like the stages of grief, really. First? Denial. I mean, maybe my kid didn't hear anything at all and he's sleeping right this very second, and I'm worrying for absolutely no reason.

"Well, That's It. The Kid Is Scarred For Life."

Then comes acceptance and the complete (and totally false, by the way) knowledge that your kid is scarred forever.

Sex is normal, my friends. Yes, you want to approach the subject in an age-appropriate way, but whatever you think your kid may or may not have heard will not land them in therapy for the rest of their lives. I promise.