There's simply nothing sexier than pregnancy. Just kidding. Pretty much everything is sexier than being pregnant. Like, I'm pretty sure a camel wearing sweatpants is hotter than I am in any given month of my pregnancy. It's hard to get in the mood when you're tired, and there is no fatigue like pregnancy fatigue. Growing humans is hard work, so partners, pay attention to this list of the most erotic things you should do for a sleep deprived pregnant woman.
I do not like to be touched when I am growing another human being inside my body. I have severe nausea and vomiting during my first trimester, and in the third, I feel about as attractive as an elephant seal. I don't experience the increase in energy and libido that many women do in the second trimester, either. The only thing I really want to do for those nine months is sleep. Between the constant need to pee and increasing discomfort (from back ache to wiggling baby to the thrombosed hemorrhoids I can feel between my butt cheeks), it's really hard to get the shut-eye I need. I would be beyond thrilled if my husband tried one of these erotic moves on me.
OK, so maybe I need to work on my definition of erotic. But I can pretty much guarantee that if you do these things, the pregnant woman in your life will get the rest she needs. (And that increases your chances of getting romantic with her by at least tenfold.)
Invite Someone New Into The Bedroom
I am, of course, referring to the pregnancy pillow. You can go with a wedge or a U-shape. There's even an inflatable option! (Sorry, I know that's probably not what you had in mind when you thought of something for the bedroom that blows up).
I personally recommend the full body pillow. Go ahead and give it a sexy name — Terrance, Raoul, or sad Keanu — whatever floats her proverbial boat. "Brad" may replace you in the short term, but it's worth it in the long run.
Put On "That" Playlist
The one with Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" and R. Kelly's "Bump N' Grind"? Ummm, not exactly. I'm talking about soundscapes, people. Perhaps a little "nature walk" via a meditation app? Preferably accompanied by k.d. lang. A babbling brook or waves crashing on the beach are just the ticket to sending her off to dreamland.
Set The Mood
Turn down the lights, light some candles, turn back the sheets... and then tuck her in and place a warm cat on top of her. Rose petals are strictly optional.
Bring Her Favorite Beverage
She'll have to forgo that glass of cabernet for the moment, but that's OK. What she really needs is a steaming hot cup of chamomile tea. Yes, nothing says night-night like that intoxicating mix of floral sweetness and hint of apple. Might I suggest a dash of local honey for the lady?
Run Her A Bath
I'm talking bubbles, bath salts, and strictly no commentary of the "Are you sure you should be doing that?" variety. Remember, she just has to keep her body temperature under 102.2, and that's easy to do in a bath. When she's ready, you may approach with robe and escort her to her sleeping quarters.
Give Her A Massage
Neck, shoulders, lower back... a massage is just the ticket! Assuming, of course, that your destination is Sleepytime Station (which it is). As far as a pregnant woman is concerned, there's nothing better than a foot rub whose happy ending is her falling asleep.
Forget naughty nurse or Catholic school girl. This is not a "strangers at a bar" situation. It's more like you're Prince Phillip, and she's Princess Aurora. Only if you wake your Sleeping Beauty with "true love's kiss," I can't promise she won't punch you in the face.
Book A Hotel Room
For yourself. Now get out.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.