Living with a toddler can feel like one long, losing battle. The tantrums! The crying! The questions! Toddlers are, for the most part, irrational beings largely driven by their emotions. Sometimes arguing with a toddler feels like you're at odds with a crazed lunatic (like when they ask you to stop the rain). However, sometimes a toddler will do something shocking, like
actually say something that makes you scratch your head and go, "Well, I can't really argue that." It doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes there are some valid points that toddlers make in their life. Go figure. My crazy lunatic toddler could go from repeating (over and over and over again, mind you) that he wants the "cold blankie" (I have no idea why he has named this blankie the "cold blankie") even though I've told him it is currently in the washer. "Cold blankie! Cold blankie!" he will say, while banging me on the arm with his pacifier. It's enough to drive any rational person to the brink of insanity, or at least wonder how this seemingly irrational human being will ever figure out that, sometimes, you just can't get what you want at the exact moment in time that you want it.
But then there are the times when he brings up truths that are pretty damn solid. For example, when he asks if he can spoon feed me my dinner and I say, "No, kids don't feed mommies. " Then he says, "But you feed me. So I feed you, too!
We do teamwork!" He may have watched one too many Paw Patrol episodes, but hey, he has a point. "You And Daddy Sleep In That Bed, So Why Can't I Sleep There, Too?"
So, you're trying to
put your toddler into his toddler bed and, every time you do, two seconds later you hear their door slam open and the pitter patter of their feet as they come running down the hall to wherever you happen to be. Ugh.
Whenever my son does the "Great Room Escape," he does so exuberantly and all the way to where I usually am at that time of night, usually putting away the post-dinner massacre in my kitchen. Once I grab him, and try to steer him back towards his room, he will say, "
Want sleep in your bed. Want sleep in mommy daddy bed." I'll argue that that's a special bed for mom and dad, and that kids sleep in their own special beds. Then he'll look at me and be like, "I want to sleep in the Mommy Daddy special bed. Why I can't sleep there too? " And I'm like, "Smooth move, mom." I should never use the word "special" to describe anything that I'm trying to deprive my toddler of. "The Sun Is Up, So Why Can't I Be Up?"
You've told your toddler that awake time can only happen when the sun comes up. Then
daylight savings happens and suddenly it;s light for much longer (read: past your toddler's bed time). When bed time rolls around, your toddler will point out the window and say, "But the sun is still awake." How do you explain daylight savings, and farmers, and crops, and all that jazz to a toddler? It is far too complicated, so you might just say whatever. But still. Ugh. "I Am A Queen (Or Princess, Or King, Or Ninja, Etc.)"
My toddler loves to put on whatever paper crown he may have made at preschool, or brought home from a birthday party, and declare himself royalty. Usually he says he is a queen (for some reason he doesn't really attach himself to the idea of being a king
and I'm all about it).
And what could be more true than the idea that he is royalty in our house? He is waited on
literally hand and foot. I cut his nails, I wipe his tush, I kiss his hands and toes, I put his shoes on for him, and bathe him, and cook him meals. If he does not approve of a particular dish, in the garbage it goes, and I prepare something more to his liking. Yes, he is a queen. All hail. "You're Not A Lady, You're A Mommy"
The other night I was leaning over my son in his bed and my hair was having a rare moment of not being pulled into a messy top knot. My hair fell in front of my face and was tickling his cheek as I bent down to kiss him goodnight and he reached up and said, "Mommy, you look like a lady. You look like a princess." And I said, "I am a lady."
He laughed and said, "You not a lady, you a mommy!" Like I couldn't have been more ridiculous in my statement. Can you just imagine? Me? A lady? No freaking way.
I'll be over here, doing mom-like things, wearing some very "unladylike" mom jeans. Don't mind me. "I Want The Bigger One Because It's Bigger"
You might think you can get away with offering a toddler the smaller piece of whatever delicious treat you have on hand, but toddler's won't take that bullsh*t because they're not stupid. They want the bigger piece. Why? Because it is the bigger piece, duh!
My 5-year-old will often try to break an after-school snack brownie in half before I've had the chance to (he's a fast one) and offer his brother a smaller half. This will
inevitably result in a throw-down tantrum on the toddler's part. No way is he going for the smaller brownie if there is a bigger brownie piece available. I can't say I blame him. I mean, I always want the bigger slice of pizza, the larger ice cream scoop, and the heavy pour of wine. Duh. "Why Don't People Act Like It's My Birthday Every Day?"
Mention the word "party" to a toddler and they will immediately attach the word "birthday" to it, and soon after they'll assume it's their birthday party. Going to a school holiday party? "Yay! It's my birthday party!" A friend's birthday party? "Yay! My birthday party!" A Halloween party? "Yay! My birthday party!"
My toddler literally thinks it should be his birthday every day. Honestly, why the hell not? What a wonderful outlook to have on life. Imagine waking up every day and thinking that life is
so good, it might as well be the day of your birthday party. It's not like he's disappointed when he walks into the party and the party isn't for him. His glasses are so rosey he continues to think the party is all about him, even when a cake goes to another kid. "It's Just "Society" That Makes Us Ashamed Of Our Naked Bodies"
Toddlers don't really get why people make such a big deal out of clothes. Why do people insist on wearing them, and why are they always insisting that toddlers get dressed and wear diapers? If it were up to a toddler, naked would be the norm.
My kid is happiest post-bath, running around and shaking his bum and doing the naked dance. When I tell him it is time to get dressed, he immediately bolts. I have to chase him for half an hour to finally get a diaper on him. The thing is, though, I really don't have a proper response to, "What's the big deal being naked?" Because, I mean, what is the deal? Bodies are beautiful and we shouldn't be afraid of the bodies we have. My toddler knows all. "I Don't See You Eating This Crap, So Why Should I?"
I'll admit that I feed my kids things that I wouldn't be thrilled about eating if they were on my plate. Bland veggies, like plain steamed broccoli, plain peas, edamame with no salt (because my toddler "hates" salt). Yet, I'm surprised when my toddler pushes the plate away and says, "Don't like this. Want something else."
In my defense, it's not like he would go for, say, asparagus in a balsamic reduction, but I probably could put a little more effort into their meals to make them a little more punchy. Or at least a little less bland. So, unless I were sitting across from my child and eating the exact thing with gusto, I guess I can't say, "Eat it, it's delish!"