jcomp/Fotolia

FYI, The Secret To Great Post-Birth Sex Is Finding A "Small" Guy

By
Share
Ad failed to load

Postpartum sex can be a daunting to new moms for a number of physical, mental, and emotional reasons. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to wave over these problems... except, perhaps, a metaphorical magic wand. Heterosexual postpartum sex can be tremendously improved if all the penis-having folk involved would do but one thing: have smaller penises. Comrades, if there's a schlong involved, then a tinier schlong is the answer. Yes, smaller penises are the solution to postpartum sex issues.

This makes perfect sense, right? After all, you just had a huge baby come out of your body. Who wants to deal with a bigger-than-strictly-speaking-necessary penis after that? No one, that's who! Get away from me with that thing and come back when it's a more reasonable size for post-baby relations, good sir! Pick on someone your own size. Or, better yet, adjust yourself to a size that will cause me the least amount of bother and concern while still providing me sexual gratification.

How can this be accomplished? I have to imagine there are ways. If we can put a man on the moon then I believe we can shrink down a man's penis so that it's as non-threatening as possible, at least during postpartum recovery.

Ad failed to load
Giphy

And not for nothing, but I don't even have a penis of my own and I'm constantly getting spam emails promising a pill that will increase the size of my imaginary candystick. So whatever is in those pills just do, like, the opposite in another pill to shrink down that menacing dinky. How hard can it be? And if that's not in our scientific cards at the moment, you can always just find someone with a smaller one.

Look, I'm not saying a small penis is only beneficial when a woman is recovering from childbirth. I think they're great all year round, like pumpkin spice lattes. And I'm not immature in my assessment of postpartum sex issues and the one, fool-proof way to combat them. I swear. In fact, being a grown-up person who has grown-up friends with grown-up jobs, I reached out to a pal of mine, a real-live OB-GYN with lots of baby-delivering and postpartum experience under her belt, to talk about post-birth sex. This friend is super cool and graciously agreed to help me (and by extension you) out.

Ad failed to load
Then she gave me this whole spiel about 'professionalism' and 'her reputation' and how my theory about mini-Johnsons solving all postpartum problems "really isn't practical or based on medical realities.' Fine. Whatever.

Yet, weirdly, when I told her that her wisdom, experience, and advice would be part of an article extolling the virtues of teeny peenys as the answer to stressful postpartum sex, she was all, "Well, OK, but maybe let's not use my real name." And I was like, "For a doctor, you seem pretty squeamish about private parts." Then she gave me this whole spiel about "professionalism" and "her reputation" and how my theory about mini-Johnsons solving all postpartum problems "really isn't practical or based on medical realities." Fine. Whatever. Anonymity it is. As such, for the purposes of this article, I shall call her "Dr. Expert."

Giphy
Ad failed to load

So, per my editor's request that I actually write an article containing "actual advice based on medical expertise" and not my "bizarre and unsettling preoccupation with small penises," I asked Dr. Expert about some of the common issues she saw in her practice, what causes them, and what she recommends for couples.

I'm a specialist in 'the benefits of smaller penises' and I want to assure you that if your vagina has torn, a smaller penis is going to be a tremendous benefit to you as you begin your postpartum sexual journey.

The first topic of discussion: vaginal dryness after birth. This is, apparently, a very common issue. "Long story short," explained Dr. Expert, "it's hormonal, and nursing moms may have it even worse as so much of their fluid intake goes to make milk." Dr. Expert went on to explain further, saying:

Ad failed to load

Excellent advice! Also good advice? A smaller penis inside of you. The bigger the wiener the more friction. Smaller wiener, less friction. I may not have a fancy medical degree like Dr. Expert, but that's just physics, people. I also imagine you'd need less lube so it's thrifty advice, too!

Giphy
Ad failed to load

Another postpartum issue that causes many women to be anxious about resuming sexual relations with their partner is birth injury, such as tearing.

"Up to about 80 percent of women have some level of tearing," Dr. Expert shared. "Healing time is going to depend on the extent of the tear and the individual person." For example, a first degree — also known as a superficial tear — may or may not require stitches as it only involves the tearing of skin, not muscle tissue. The most serious, a fourth degree tear, is a tear that goes from the muscle tissue of the vagina through the anal sphincter to the tissue beyond.

Fortunately, Dr. Expert assures me that vaginas are "a very resilient part of the body."

Ad failed to load

"I usually can't tell where moms tore by the time they come in for their six week visit," she said, which is bananas to me. "But," Dr. Expert warned, "that doesn't mean it functions like it did before.  ... [And] worse tearing is associated with prolonged dyspareunia — that's the fancy medical term for pain with intercourse. And if lube, different positions, taking it slow and everything else isn't working, and it's still uncomfortable, you should let your doctor know, as you might benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy or a specialist referral."

I call it "Kenney's Theory," and I await my phone call from the Nobel committee, because this is going to change some goddamn lives.

Indeed, specialists are very helpful. Like, for example, I'm a specialist in "the benefits of smaller penises" and I want to assure you that if your vagina has torn, a smaller penis is going to be a tremendous benefit to you as you begin your postpartum sexual journey. When I suggested this to Dr. Expert (again) she replied,

Ad failed to load

"Or that."

Dr. Expert didn't elaborate, but I'm going to go ahead and take that as tacit approval for my very scientific, groundbreaking theory. I call it "Kenney's Theory," and I await my phone call from the Nobel committee, because this is going to change some goddamn lives.

Giphy
Ad failed to load

Still, all the truly great theories take a while to be accepted by mainstream society, so I went on to ask Dr. Expert about the much-debated rumor regarding vaginas getting "loose" after giving birth. Is this a myth? Is it based in reality? If it happens, is it a permanent situation?

"A roughly seven to eight pound baby just plowed through your pelvic floor and your vagina," she said, bluntly. "Immediately after delivery it might feel really loose, but it should get much better over the next few weeks. Things may never be exactly the same down there, but that doesn't mean it can't work just fine."

You know what else works just fine? Small penises. They work fine an day of the year, and especially fine in postpartum vaginas. It's like: "Hey girl. I know you've been through a lot, so I'm going to give you some pleasure that isn't going to overwhelm you. Because I'm not here to be showy. Oh no, I'm here for you. So just sit back while I grab the water-based lube Dr. Expert recommended and let's make something happen."

Ad failed to load
The least the penis in your life can do for you is to magically shrink itself down to better accommodate your needs.

Speaking of Dr. Expert, after we chatted about physical challenges and impediments that stand in the way of some quality postpartum boning, we discussed some of the less tangible — but no less real — issues that might arise.

"Many, many women are reluctant or uncomfortable with the idea of having sex again postpartum," Dr. Expert assured me. "Between sleep deprivation, stress of caring for a new baby,  body changes, dryness, etc., can you blame 'em? Have sex if and when you want to. Your partner should not be pressuring you to have sex. That is a huge red flag in my book. But when you're ready ... go slow, use lube. And if it's too uncomfortable, just stop and try again another time."

Ad failed to load

Another time... or another, smaller penis. You know, it's your choice, but I'm just saying. It's also important to remember, according to Dr. Expert, "Just because you're cleared for sex at six weeks doesn't mean you have to have it."

Giphy

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

Ad failed to load

Six weeks is generally considered the green light to resume sexual activity, but I like to think of it as a blinking red light. Pause, assess the situation, and if you're not liking the look of things then hold off and move forward only when it feels safe to do so. "And," the good doctor continued, "there are other ways to have sex beyond 'penis in vagina' if that thought isn't appealing to you."

But if penis in vagina sex is appealing to you, maybe go for a smaller one. After all, you just had a baby come out of you after carrying it inside of you for the better part of a year. The least the penis in your life can do for you is to magically shrink itself down to better accommodate your needs.

Again: you're welcome, ladies.

Ad failed to load

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Ad failed to load

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Umm, Toys "R" Us Has A BOGO 50 Percent Off Deal So You Better Stock Up

After the holidays, you were probably hoping that your kid's massive toy collection would keep him entertained for a little while, at least. But that was wishful thinking, wasn't it? Because now that a couple of months have passed, all those must-hav…
By Jacqueline Burt Cote

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

This Woman Thought She Had An Eyelash Stuck In Her Eye. Then It Moved.

I'm not a person who is easily icked out. As a kid, I collected bugs and thought I was going to be an entomologist and asked Santa Claus for ant farms and nets to catch bees. I'm still super curious about anything that flies and crawls, which might s…
By Karen Fratti

A Hot Mess Mom's Guide To Surviving Winter

As I sit here at my home office in Connecticut, it's cold. Damn cold. Winter is a rough season in New England and it's even worse when you're a parent and have to manage cooped up, restless children. It's even worse when you're a hot mess as it is, u…
By Jamie Kenney

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

11 Ways Your Pregnancy Will Be Different If You Have A Boy Vs A Girl

If you've been pregnant before, you might start comparing your previous pregnancies to that of your current pregnancy. A lot of things can change from pregnancy to pregnancy, based on a whole host of different factors (including how well you remember…
By Lauren Schumacker

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

8 Reasons I Let My Toddler Play Outside Unsupervised

I'm not a helicopter mom, but I'm not exactly a free-range parent either. I like to think of myself as safely ensconced somewhere in the middle. I insist on certain safety measures, like car seats and helmets. I prefer to keep my 2-year-old in my sig…
By Kimmie Fink

12 Moms Share How They Stay Healthy During Flu Season

Unfortunately, we're in the middle of the roughest flu seasons in recent memory. And we’re not totally out of the woods, either. People around the country are still getting the flu, and, sadly, some of them are having to be hospitalized due to flu-re…
By Priscilla Blossom

8 "Mistakes" I'm Glad I Made During My First Pregnancy

As an adult, I've learned you never really stop hating being told what to do. When I was pregnant I was getting instructions at every turn, from doctors, relatives, and complete strangers on the subway. I would nod and smile but then go about making …
By Liza Wyles

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack