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FYI, The Secret To Great Post-Birth Sex Is Finding A "Small" Guy

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Postpartum sex can be a daunting to new moms for a number of physical, mental, and emotional reasons. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to wave over these problems... except, perhaps, a metaphorical magic wand. Heterosexual postpartum sex can be tremendously improved if all the penis-having folk involved would do but one thing: have smaller penises. Comrades, if there's a schlong involved, then a tinier schlong is the answer. Yes, smaller penises are the solution to postpartum sex issues.

This makes perfect sense, right? After all, you just had a huge baby come out of your body. Who wants to deal with a bigger-than-strictly-speaking-necessary penis after that? No one, that's who! Get away from me with that thing and come back when it's a more reasonable size for post-baby relations, good sir! Pick on someone your own size. Or, better yet, adjust yourself to a size that will cause me the least amount of bother and concern while still providing me sexual gratification.

How can this be accomplished? I have to imagine there are ways. If we can put a man on the moon then I believe we can shrink down a man's penis so that it's as non-threatening as possible, at least during postpartum recovery.

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And not for nothing, but I don't even have a penis of my own and I'm constantly getting spam emails promising a pill that will increase the size of my imaginary candystick. So whatever is in those pills just do, like, the opposite in another pill to shrink down that menacing dinky. How hard can it be? And if that's not in our scientific cards at the moment, you can always just find someone with a smaller one.

Look, I'm not saying a small penis is only beneficial when a woman is recovering from childbirth. I think they're great all year round, like pumpkin spice lattes. And I'm not immature in my assessment of postpartum sex issues and the one, fool-proof way to combat them. I swear. In fact, being a grown-up person who has grown-up friends with grown-up jobs, I reached out to a pal of mine, a real-live OB-GYN with lots of baby-delivering and postpartum experience under her belt, to talk about post-birth sex. This friend is super cool and graciously agreed to help me (and by extension you) out.

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Then she gave me this whole spiel about 'professionalism' and 'her reputation' and how my theory about mini-Johnsons solving all postpartum problems "really isn't practical or based on medical realities.' Fine. Whatever.

Yet, weirdly, when I told her that her wisdom, experience, and advice would be part of an article extolling the virtues of teeny peenys as the answer to stressful postpartum sex, she was all, "Well, OK, but maybe let's not use my real name." And I was like, "For a doctor, you seem pretty squeamish about private parts." Then she gave me this whole spiel about "professionalism" and "her reputation" and how my theory about mini-Johnsons solving all postpartum problems "really isn't practical or based on medical realities." Fine. Whatever. Anonymity it is. As such, for the purposes of this article, I shall call her "Dr. Expert."

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So, per my editor's request that I actually write an article containing "actual advice based on medical expertise" and not my "bizarre and unsettling preoccupation with small penises," I asked Dr. Expert about some of the common issues she saw in her practice, what causes them, and what she recommends for couples.

I'm a specialist in 'the benefits of smaller penises' and I want to assure you that if your vagina has torn, a smaller penis is going to be a tremendous benefit to you as you begin your postpartum sexual journey.

The first topic of discussion: vaginal dryness after birth. This is, apparently, a very common issue. "Long story short," explained Dr. Expert, "it's hormonal, and nursing moms may have it even worse as so much of their fluid intake goes to make milk." Dr. Expert went on to explain further, saying:

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"I preemptively warn my patients about [vaginal dryness] if they haven't resumed sex by their postpartum visit. ... I tell them, 'Listen, this is really common, and even if you've never needed lube before you may need to now, at least for awhile.' ... I generally recommend a water-based lube and that they just take it easy at first."

Excellent advice! Also good advice? A smaller penis inside of you. The bigger the wiener the more friction. Smaller wiener, less friction. I may not have a fancy medical degree like Dr. Expert, but that's just physics, people. I also imagine you'd need less lube so it's thrifty advice, too!

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Another postpartum issue that causes many women to be anxious about resuming sexual relations with their partner is birth injury, such as tearing.

"Up to about 80 percent of women have some level of tearing," Dr. Expert shared. "Healing time is going to depend on the extent of the tear and the individual person." For example, a first degree — also known as a superficial tear — may or may not require stitches as it only involves the tearing of skin, not muscle tissue. The most serious, a fourth degree tear, is a tear that goes from the muscle tissue of the vagina through the anal sphincter to the tissue beyond.

Fortunately, Dr. Expert assures me that vaginas are "a very resilient part of the body."

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"I usually can't tell where moms tore by the time they come in for their six week visit," she said, which is bananas to me. "But," Dr. Expert warned, "that doesn't mean it functions like it did before. ... [And] worse tearing is associated with prolonged dyspareunia — that's the fancy medical term for pain with intercourse. And if lube, different positions, taking it slow and everything else isn't working, and it's still uncomfortable, you should let your doctor know, as you might benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy or a specialist referral."

I call it "Kenney's Theory," and I await my phone call from the Nobel committee, because this is going to change some goddamn lives.

Indeed, specialists are very helpful. Like, for example, I'm a specialist in "the benefits of smaller penises" and I want to assure you that if your vagina has torn, a smaller penis is going to be a tremendous benefit to you as you begin your postpartum sexual journey. When I suggested this to Dr. Expert (again) she replied,

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"Or that."

Dr. Expert didn't elaborate, but I'm going to go ahead and take that as tacit approval for my very scientific, groundbreaking theory. I call it "Kenney's Theory," and I await my phone call from the Nobel committee, because this is going to change some goddamn lives.

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Still, all the truly great theories take a while to be accepted by mainstream society, so I went on to ask Dr. Expert about the much-debated rumor regarding vaginas getting "loose" after giving birth. Is this a myth? Is it based in reality? If it happens, is it a permanent situation?

"A roughly seven to eight pound baby just plowed through your pelvic floor and your vagina," she said, bluntly. "Immediately after delivery it might feel really loose, but it should get much better over the next few weeks. Things may never be exactly the same down there, but that doesn't mean it can't work just fine."

You know what else works just fine? Small penises. They work fine an day of the year, and especially fine in postpartum vaginas. It's like: "Hey girl. I know you've been through a lot, so I'm going to give you some pleasure that isn't going to overwhelm you. Because I'm not here to be showy. Oh no, I'm here for you. So just sit back while I grab the water-based lube Dr. Expert recommended and let's make something happen."

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The least the penis in your life can do for you is to magically shrink itself down to better accommodate your needs.

Speaking of Dr. Expert, after we chatted about physical challenges and impediments that stand in the way of some quality postpartum boning, we discussed some of the less tangible — but no less real — issues that might arise.

"Many, many women are reluctant or uncomfortable with the idea of having sex again postpartum," Dr. Expert assured me. "Between sleep deprivation, stress of caring for a new baby, body changes, dryness, etc., can you blame 'em? Have sex if and when you want to. Your partner should not be pressuring you to have sex. That is a huge red flag in my book. But when you're ready ... go slow, use lube. And if it's too uncomfortable, just stop and try again another time."

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Another time... or another, smaller penis. You know, it's your choice, but I'm just saying. It's also important to remember, according to Dr. Expert, "Just because you're cleared for sex at six weeks doesn't mean you have to have it."

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Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

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Six weeks is generally considered the green light to resume sexual activity, but I like to think of it as a blinking red light. Pause, assess the situation, and if you're not liking the look of things then hold off and move forward only when it feels safe to do so. "And," the good doctor continued, "there are other ways to have sex beyond 'penis in vagina' if that thought isn't appealing to you."

But if penis in vagina sex is appealing to you, maybe go for a smaller one. After all, you just had a baby come out of you after carrying it inside of you for the better part of a year. The least the penis in your life can do for you is to magically shrink itself down to better accommodate your needs.

Again: you're welcome, ladies.

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