Honestly, Sometimes I Wish I Wasn't A Mom

Ad failed to load

I'm sitting on my couch, typing laboriously and trying to finish an article that requires my focus, my undivided attention and a steady stream of thought. I've already worked 11 hours and just finished making dinner and I'm too exhausted to even guess how many hours of work I have left. As I pour through the mental scroll in my head, my son is climbing on top of me and yelling in my ear and tugging at my sleeve, all in an attempt to show me the latest toy in his new room. It is in this moment, this seemingly adorable yet somewhat frustrating moment, that I wish I wasn't a mom.

These moments come and go, usually when my son wants more than I feel I'm able to give. When things are made more difficult by his presence — because yes, having a child does make things more difficult — I all but throw my hands up in utter defeat. When my son is doing nothing but being a toddler, which means he's throwing a tantrum about something minuscule to my life but catastrophic in his, I contemplate how easy it would be to sit on my couch, write my latest article, cook dinner, or do one of the many things I do in a day without him. On nights like these, I resent my son's presence. And even though I can rationalize these very valid, very undeniable feelings, they have the power to throw me down a spiral of guilt, embarrassment, and overwhelming shame.

Courtesy of Danielle Campoamor
Ad failed to load

I wish feeling this way didn't make me feel such overwhelming shame. I wish that I could talk about the fact that motherhood is exhausting or say that motherhood isn't the only life-defining part of who I am without worrying about the reaction or the repercussions. Even typing this, I know there will be people who automatically assume I spend all day, every day, wishing I wasn't a parent. Some will think I feel like I made a mistake by becoming a parent, or, worst of all, they'll believe my son isn't loved or an important, vital part of my life. I wish that, like almost anything else, this admission that life would be easier without a kid would serve as nothing more than a statement of how I feel rather than a intimate glimpse inside my most private thoughts.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother, but I'd never dream of giving my son "back" or want to live in a world where he didn't exist and I wasn't his mother.

In college, on late nights, during last-minute study sessions, and when I'd feverishly write papers I'd procrastinated over for much too long, I'd often wish I wasn't in college anymore. But looking back, I loved being in college and wouldn't change my experience there for the world. When working three jobs, I often wished I was back in high school when I had parents to pay for damn near everything. But clearly, going back to high school would be the absolute worst. When I moved, especially when I was knee-deep in an endless sea of boxes, sleep deprived, and cleaning dust bunnies that should have been cleaned up years earlier, I wished I wasn't moving. Turns out, moving across the country is one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Ad failed to load

And in my romantic relationships, whenever we had passionate disagreements, I'd often wish I was single again. Of course, I'm so very thankful for my partner and would never want our relationship to end. Motherhood is no different. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother, but I'd never dream of giving my son "back" or want to live in a world where he didn't exist and I wasn't his mother.

Courtesy of Danielle Campoamor
It's nice to have a break and take care of myself — and only myself — and it's sometimes necessary for me to imagine how easy things would be if I wasn't a mom, but if I could go back and do it all over again, I know I'd never decide not be his mother.
Ad failed to load

Which is why I should be able to say that, yes, sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother. Sometimes caring for someone who needs me constantly isn't enough to make me feel fulfilled and accomplished. Sometimes, when my son is throwing himself on the ground and screaming and we're in a public place and I'm powerless to harness his energy in a way that doesn't make me look like a terrible parent, I wish I wasn't a mother. Sometimes, when we're walking down the street carrying multiple bags of groceries while also trying to hold my son's hand as he lunges after a pigeon, I wish I wasn't a mother. Sometimes, when I realize I'd have more options or an easier time or that I wouldn't struggle so hard to maintain such a particular life for my child, I wish I wasn't a mother.

But would I ever run away and leave my family behind? Absolutely not. Would I ever take back my choice to have a baby? No way. Would I want to live my life without my son? Not even for a second. It's nice to have a break and take care of myself — and only myself — and it's sometimes necessary for me to imagine how easy things would be if I wasn't a mom, but if I could go back and do it all over again, I know I'd never decide not be his mother. My son has changed my life for the better, even if "better" sometimes means exhausting, frustrating, and difficult. My son is a part of the world that gives me such complete joy, even when that "joy" comes with tantrums, outbursts, and ineffectual, flying fists.

Courtesy of Danielle Campoamor
Ad failed to load

The fleeting moments where I wonder why I ever decided to become a mother do nothing to change the fact that I am one and that I love being one and that my son is one of the best things to ever happen to me. When my frustration and exhaustion and lack of patience culminate into a guilt-ridden moment of resentment, there's always a part of me that's still thankful for being frustrated and exhausted and impatient.

I can't pretend I don't experience moments when I wish I wasn't a mother, but I know these moments won't ever define the kind of mother I am. I might have fleeting thoughts of unabashed freedom from time to time, especially when parenthood tests me most, but there's no way I would ever give up being a mother.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

21 Moms Share The Most Surprising Part About Having A C-Section

Honestly, I don't think we, as a culture, talk about C-sections nearly enough, especially considering so many mothers experience them. And because of a number of factors, the little we do talk about it always seems to be a familiar narrative: "It's n…
By Jamie Kenney

13 Yummy Instant Pot Recipes To Make Under 30 Minutes

An Instant Pot seems to be the must-have appliance in every kitchen these days. If you are anything like me and never knew the beauty of a Instant Pot, you are about to have your life changed. Basically, you put some ingredients into a pot, set the t…
By Kristin Manna

9 Things The First Six Months Of Motherhood Will Teach You About Your Baby

Personally, the first six months of motherhood was a mixed bag. I learned some harsh lessons about myself that made taking care of my baby seem overwhelming. For example, I was clueless, and no amount of research could help me feel like anything but …
By Steph Montgomery

These Photos Of North West Then & Now Will Take You On A Sweet Trip Down Memory Lane

When Kim Kardashian welcomed her first daughter, North West, with her husband, Kanye West, in 2013, her whole life was changed. The social media and reality TV star became a mom for the first time and her Instagram presence took a very adorable turn.…
By Casey Suglia

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

This Is What It Means If Your Pregnancy Test Changes Overnight

The time between when a woman suspects she might be pregnant and when it is confirmed for sure is the longest of her life. Regardless of whether you are hoping for a positive or a negative result, the odds are good that you are sweating bullets when …
By Shannon Evans

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

This Woman Thought She Had An Eyelash Stuck In Her Eye. Then It Moved.

I'm not a person who is easily icked out. As a kid, I collected bugs and thought I was going to be an entomologist and asked Santa Claus for ant farms and nets to catch bees. I'm still super curious about anything that flies and crawls, which might s…
By Karen Fratti

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

8 "Mistakes" I'm Glad I Made During My First Pregnancy

As an adult, I've learned you never really stop hating being told what to do. When I was pregnant I was getting instructions at every turn, from doctors, relatives, and complete strangers on the subway. I would nod and smile but then go about making …
By Liza Wyles

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack