Kelly Green

Do you own a toddler? Know one? (Hint: if you own one, you know one.) Toddlers are whacked. Like, straight crazy people that are very small and oddly powerful, and cuter than you even know how to handle. They will fill your every cell with purpose,…

Remember that scene in Sweet Home Alabama when Reese Witherspoon sees an old friend of hers in the bar back home… and then notices that said old friend has a baby? Reese Witherspoon’s character (Melanie Smooter!) was shocked and possibly judging,…

It’s absurd. You walk in excited, a couple on the cusp of an adventure. You walk out, battered, bruised (well, one of you) and confused. How do you keep this thing alive? No one is going to tell you. There should be a printout of basic advice for…

Let me start out by saying that in general, I am a rule follower. I have never been to jail; I have never even been arrested. You could even say I like rules, because they help me know how to behave in a given situation. They are like a tiny…

For many weeks after we’d come home from the hospital with our first (and only) child, I felt like I’d been in a car accident. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It hurt to shower. I turned in on myself, hunching in physical and emotional pain. I sat…

Good luck. There is no going back. This is officially the only thing there is no going back on. This baby lives at your house now. It may be for eighteen years, may be for longer. All I can tell you is that once you check out of the hospital with…

It’s been three years since I gave birth. I didn’t believe everyone when they said that after I gave birth, I’d forget the intensity of the pain, or the annoyance of having two people housed in my small body, but I really kind of have. I know it was…

I have no problem admitting jealousy. The little green monster is a friend. Not a good friend — like the kind you can count on to answer the phone when you call at midnight — but jealousy is still a friend. Because it teaches me something. The…

I sat at home for six weeks after I had my baby. Alone. I mean, my husband’s mom came over twice and his stepmom came over twice, but I was mostly alone. I didn’t take walks and I didn’t ask anyone to help after birth; to come sit in the living room…

My child eats like a spoiled billionaire. One day, he loves broccoli. The next day, he will throw every tree of it off of his high chair. (The dog pretty much lives in the kitchen now, waiting for mealtime airborne objects and post-meal…

Our baby began eating solids around five months. Feeding him prior to that was a mixture of heaven and hell. Breastfeeding had been hard, but the end of that time gave way to formula — a lot of bottles to clean, but a simple process. Shake the…

I grew up in the era of Johnson & Johnson. The trademark pink bottle signifies a baby is near. It feels familiar to me, and the scent smells comforting. Like sweetness. I was given the lotion at my baby showers, along with other baby lotions. But I…

We're potty training our son. I should probably edit that some — we are lightly potty training our son, meaning we are weaning him off diapers but not yet putting him in underwear. We're placing him on the toilet as often as he's open to it, and…

I wonder what it feels like to be you. To move around your kitchen like a saint, orchestrating a meal fit for the body, if you consider the body a temple. To measure amounts, mix solutions, cut pieces, pour liquids. To move like music. Deliberate,…

After I gave birth to a 5-pound baby, I expected the 20 non-baby pounds to just fall right off of me. So I came home and waited, feeling torn apart from a c-section, and with a completely rocked sense of who I was. My weight stayed exactly the same.…

If I had to select one feat that has made me a great parent over these couple last years, it is this: my son has never worn a pair of pants without an elastic waist band. Since the day we brought him home from the hospital, he has only worn…

I used to be cool as hell. Super carefree. I would pack up my things at a moment’s notice and head out into the great unknown. I wasn't a worrier; the YOLO ran deep. That all ended with the conception and birth of my baby. Becoming a mother turned…

I met my obstetrician for the first time in my 38th week of pregnancy. A roll of the dice? Maybe. Changing doctors so late in the game wasn't my plan, obviously — I do not recommend traipsing from practice to practice looking for an OB who will…

My kid is a little more than 2 years old. So for a little more than two years, I have had this needy little thing hanging out here a whole lot. I still have all the same needs I did before he was here, but now his needs are piled on top of mine.…