Kelly Green

Kelly Green is a writer living in Iowa, making peace with living in Iowa. She seeks out innocence in the world, via dogs and children.

I Forced My Toddler To Eat, & In This Game Of Thrones, I Lost

My child eats like a spoiled billionaire. One day, he loves broccoli. The next day, he will throw every tree of it off of his high chair. (The dog pretty much lives in the kitchen now, waiting for mealtime airborne objects and post-meal…
By Kelly Green

My Toddler Is So Picky At Meal-Time, I Dump The Food And Run

Our baby began eating solids around five months. Feeding him prior to that was a mixture of heaven and hell. Breastfeeding had been hard, but the end of that time gave way to formula — a lot of bottles to clean, but a simple process. Shake the…
By Kelly Green

I Use Coconut Oil On My Baby & It’s The One Parenting Choice I Feel Confident About

I grew up in the era of Johnson & Johnson. The trademark pink bottle signifies a baby is near. It feels familiar to me, and the scent smells comforting. Like sweetness. I was given the lotion at my baby showers, along with other baby lotions. But I…
By Kelly Green

No One Tells You Potty Training Will Be An Emotional Rollercoaster

We're potty training our son. I should probably edit that some — we are lightly potty training our son, meaning we are weaning him off diapers but not yet putting him in underwear. We're placing him on the toilet as often as he's open to it, and…
By Kelly Green

You Are The Mom I'll Never Be

I wonder what it feels like to be you. To move around your kitchen like a saint, orchestrating a meal fit for the body, if you consider the body a temple. To measure amounts, mix solutions, cut pieces, pour liquids. To move like music. Deliberate,…
By Kelly Green

After I Gave Birth, I Did Not Want My Partner To See Me Naked... For Years

After I gave birth to a 5-pound baby, I expected the 20 non-baby pounds to just fall right off of me. So I came home and waited, feeling torn apart from a c-section, and with a completely rocked sense of who I was. My weight stayed exactly the same.…
By Kelly Green

I'm Saying No To Fugly Boy Clothing & Only Dressing My Son In Leggings

If I had to select one feat that has made me a great parent over these couple last years, it is this: my son has never worn a pair of pants without an elastic waist band. Since the day we brought him home from the hospital, he has only worn…
By Kelly Green

My Endless Anxiety Is Proof Our Definition Of "Postpartum" Is B.S.

I used to be cool as hell. Super carefree. I would pack up my things at a moment’s notice and head out into the great unknown. I wasn't a worrier; the YOLO ran deep. That all ended with the conception and birth of my baby. Becoming a mother turned…
By Kelly Green

I Met My OB During My Labor & Delivery — He May Have Saved Our Baby's Life

I met my obstetrician for the first time in my 38th week of pregnancy. A roll of the dice? Maybe. Changing doctors so late in the game wasn't my plan, obviously — I do not recommend traipsing from practice to practice looking for an OB who will…
By Kelly Green

I Stopped Multi-Tasking When I'm With My Kid & I’m A Billion Times Happier

My kid is a little more than 2 years old. So for a little more than two years, I have had this needy little thing hanging out here a whole lot. I still have all the same needs I did before he was here, but now his needs are piled on top of mine.…
By Kelly Green

I Recorded Every Argument I Had With My Partner For A Week, & It Was Eye-Opening

My husband's name is Nicholas, but he usually goes by Nic. Sometimes, my iPhone gets confused and types out "Nice" instead. The typo is ridiculously appropriate, because Nic happens to be the nicest person I have ever met. I, on the other hand, can…
By Kelly Green

Please Shut Up About Other Parents' Car Seats

Car seats: they are hard to install, hard to clean, annoying to take a kid in and out of, and utterly necessary. Their use is bound by rules and suggestions, and every time you read up on said rules and suggestions, it can seem like someone is…
By Kelly Green

The Tiny Thing My Partner Said To Me Postpartum That Helped Me Love My Body

Since I was 15, I've had issues with my body. My male cousins used to tease me by calling me fat, which opened up the door for me to question my self-worth. They constantly let me know that the world was judging me, and that no one would ever love…
By Kelly Green

This Joke We Make About 'Mom Jeans' Is Dumb AF

I was a lot of things before I became a mom. But mostly, I was a d*ck. That's because I threw around the term "mom style" to describe things I thought were uncool: extremely high-waisted jeans, shirts with tiny bead appliqués, sensible and…
By Kelly Green

Yup, I'm Wearing My Husband's Clothes Postpartum

You know those romantic moments in the movies, where the night after a woman stays over at a man’s house, she wakes up and throws on his shirt and sexily lounges in it while they drink coffee and fall in love? Well, it's a real thing: when I first…
By Kelly Green

I'll Be Honest — I Really, Really Hate Babywearing

In theory, babywearing is undoubtedly a genius idea. It's a good way to keep your infant calm and cuddled close to you, while maintaining full use of your hands. There are also myriad choices available on the market for babywearing options,…
By Kelly Green

I'm A Modest Dresser, But Don't Call Me A Prude

I don’t wear shorts or tank tops, and I rarely wear a dress without tights. I dress almost exactly the same no matter what the weather is. It can be sunny day outside, a cool fall afternoon, or mid-winter, and you will likely find me in a…
By Kelly Green

I’m Worried My Kid Will Inherit My Anger Issues

My dad was an angry dude. I remember talking to him as little as possible, because I feared him so much. To me, he he was more like a bomb than a man. At any second, he could turn from quiet to explosive, so standing near him wasn’t worth the risk.…
By Kelly Green

No, I Don't 'Owe' My Husband Sex For Father's Day

Last year, the website Babycenter asked 1000 dads what gift they wanted for Father's Day. The results were surprising: nearly 57 percent of them said that the gift they wanted more than anything else on Father's Day was sex — because apparently, sex…
By Kelly Green

Dear Man In The Office Lactation Room: GTFO

Hi. Hey! Hi! Can you spare a moment? I wanted to talk to you. Are you comfortable? Before I begin, I want to make sure that you are comfortable.Can I get you anything before we start? A glass of water? A glass of Sprite? A cigar? Anyway, I just…
By Kelly Green