Kelly Green

Do you own a toddler? Know one? (Hint: if you own one, you know one.) Toddlers are whacked. Like, straight crazy people that are very small and oddly powerful, and cuter than you even know how to handle. They will fill your every cell with purpose,…

Remember that scene in Sweet Home Alabama when Reese Witherspoon sees an old friend of hers in the bar back home… and then notices that said old friend has a baby? Reese Witherspoon’s character (Melanie Smooter!) was shocked and possibly judging,…

It’s absurd. You walk in excited, a couple on the cusp of an adventure. You walk out, battered, bruised (well, one of you) and confused. How do you keep this thing alive? No one is going to tell you. There should be a printout of basic advice for…

Let me start out by saying that in general, I am a rule follower. I have never been to jail; I have never even been arrested. You could even say I like rules, because they help me know how to behave in a given situation. They are like a tiny…

For many weeks after we’d come home from the hospital with our first (and only) child, I felt like I’d been in a car accident. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It hurt to shower. I turned in on myself, hunching in physical and emotional pain. I sat…

Good luck. There is no going back. This is officially the only thing there is no going back on. This baby lives at your house now. It may be for eighteen years, may be for longer. All I can tell you is that once you check out of the hospital with…

It’s been three years since I gave birth. I didn’t believe everyone when they said that after I gave birth, I’d forget the intensity of the pain, or the annoyance of having two people housed in my small body, but I really kind of have. I know it was…

I have no problem admitting jealousy. The little green monster is a friend. Not a good friend — like the kind you can count on to answer the phone when you call at midnight — but jealousy is still a friend. Because it teaches me something. The…

I sat at home for six weeks after I had my baby. Alone. I mean, my husband’s mom came over twice and his stepmom came over twice, but I was mostly alone. I didn’t take walks and I didn’t ask anyone to help after birth; to come sit in the living room…