Romper

Rae Mariah MacCarthy

Rae Mariah MacCarthy is a nonbinary birth mother. They're also a Young Adult novelist, award-winning playwright, performer, storyteller, curator, and all-around creatrix. Their YA novel, Squad, is out now with FSG, and their Amazon Original memoir, My Boy, Their Son, was Amazon's #1 Best-Seller in Adoption. They’ve written for BuzzFeed, Refinery29, YES! magazine, Look (UK) magazine, the Brooklyn Rail, and other outlets. Their plays have been performed all over the world, and the New York Times called their immersive party play, Mrs. Mayfield’s Fifth-Grade Class of ’93 20-Year Reunion, “a lot of fun.” They live in Astoria with their cat, Sophie. Visit them at https://www.mariahmaccarthy.com.
What It Felt Like To Be In My Body After Relinquishing A Baby
A crying newborn would’ve been something to focus on after birth, a source of concrete tasks. My mind would’ve had somewhere to go. Instead, when I came home from the hospital without the son I was relinquishing for adoption, I had to be alone with…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Why Isn't Adoption Part of the Anti-Surrogacy Conversation?
As of Friday, June 21, in the state of New York, it remains illegal to pay a surrogate to carry your baby. A bill to legalize commercial surrogacy in the state, while passing 40-21 in the state senate, was never brought to a vote in the assembly…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Let's Just Talk About The Postpartum Queef
Recently, people have become a lot more open about postpartum sex, and I think that is awesome. I really do. I love that there is a national conversation about sexing after baby-having. I just think that that conversation should include more…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Made Padsicles To Soothe My Postpartum Vagina & Guys, I'm A Genius
When I gave birth to my son, I pushed for three hours. I had an epidural, and while the doctors lowered the anesthetic considerably so I could feel myself push, everything from my ribs down was just a smorgasbord of blinding pain. I can’t really…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I'm A Birth Mother, & Mother's Day Is Tough For Me
My first Mother’s Day after placing my son in an open adoption, a theater friend invited me to see the play she had produced. It was about a teenage boy who gets relentlessly bullied because he’s being raised by a same-sex couple. My son’s adoptive…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Pushed For What Seemed Like A Million Hours And It Was The Worst
There was never any question in my mind that I would get an epidural when I had my son. I never saw any reason to put myself through more pain than I absolutely needed to bear, and I have never regretted it. What I didn’t realize, though, was that…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Went Braless For A Week & Here's What Happened
I'm a 38D. Before my pregnancy four years ago, I was a C-cup; once I got knocked up, I became a D-cup and that was the end of that. But here’s the thing: I hate bras. I find it nearly impossible to find one that fits me properly. If I simply must…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Why I Always Ask For My Son's Consent Before Hugging Him
It was the day after Thanksgiving. I was visiting my son Leo, the awesome little boy I placed for adoption with a gay couple four years ago. Because I always ask for Leo's consent before I touch him, kiss him, or give him a hug, I asked him, “Can I…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I'm A Birth Mother And Donald Trump Makes Me Not Want My Own Kids Anymore
When I placed my son in an open adoption four years ago with the gay couple of my dreams, I was certain that he wasn't going to be my last kid. I was dead-set on raising a child of my own after the placement — at least one, but maybe more. Telling…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I'm A Birth Mother. Please Stop Asking Me If I'm A Surrogate.
When I tell people that I placed my son in an open adoption with a gay couple, by far the number one question I get asked is, “Cool! So, you were a surrogate?” It’s not a question that would bother me if I only got it once or twice, but after…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Couldn't Breastfeed My Son Before Placing Him For Adoption & I'm OK With It
Before I placed my son for adoption, I was advised to "bond" with him. I was very much on board with this; I was planning on an open adoption, and I also loved him madly before he was even born, so bonding before relinquishing him was a pretty…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Why I Talk So Openly About My Pregnancy Sex Experiences
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I (gasp) remained a sexual being during my pregnancy. I’ve told audiences about it in four different states, and those audiences have, at different times, included my parents and two different former employers. A…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
When You're A Birth Mother, There Is Literally No Pregnancy Advice That Acknowledges You
First of all, let’s talk about how hard it is to even find pregnancy advice that acknowledges that single mothers might exist, let alone finding pregnancy advice that acknowledges birth mothers exist. Did you know that freakin' 40 percent of…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Had A Meltdown Getting An IUD After Giving Birth
About a year after my son had been conceived, I decided that after giving birth, I needed an IUD. Condoms had come off inside me and broken, and I knew myself too well to believe I could take a pill at the same time every day. I thought that because…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Adopting A Kitten Brought My Birth-Mother Guilt To The Surface
It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I love my kitten. Her name is Sophie. She's a rescue. She's got rag-doll coloring but is less fluffy and more of a hunter than most rag dolls, so we're not sure what she is. She plays fetch, sleeps on my…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
This Is What Your Baby Shower Is Like When You're Placing Your Baby For Adoption
I was eight months pregnant in New York City. My friend Anna had told me, “Show up at this intersection tonight wearing something that makes you feel pretty,” and said nothing else. So I knew that a surprise of some sort was coming my way. I hadn’t…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
I Gave Birth Surrounded By My Friends & I Wouldn't Change A Thing
When you’re pregnant with a baby you’re placing for open adoption with a gay couple, you’re already deviating so hard from the traditional motherhood script that you might as well do whatever you want. The day my son was born was no exception. There…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
Honestly, I Couldn't Have Given Birth Without My Labor & Delivery Nurse By My Side
My labor and delivery nurse, Vanessa, should be canonized. It's no secret that labor and delivery (L&D) nurses are among the best people there are, but mine in particular deserves sainthood status. I was about to place my son for adoption, but he…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
As A Birth Mom, Sometimes I Feel Like A Fraud
I board the plane wearing my comfiest clothes, which today means Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajama pants and a hoodie. The woman next to me with the small daughter tries to strike up conversation with me: "So, are you a college student?" It bothers…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy
This Is What It's Like To Visit The Son I Placed For Adoption
This past summer, while I was visiting my son, I discovered that he knows what a "birth mother" is. I wasn't sure that he knew, but it turns out he does. We were filling up water balloons in the park, standing in a long line at a water fountain. I…
By Rae Mariah MacCarthy