I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a sh*tty mom.
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It’s so sexist when people ask 'If you’re here then who’s taking care of the baby?' Who the f*ck do you think? The TV is taking care of the baby, OK? The windows are open, she’s got gummy vitamins on her lap, she’s fine.
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I joined a new mom group in Los Angeles. I don’t find any of these b*tches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave it’s like ’The Walking Dead,’ you’ve just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.
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I see something that’s bedazzled in rhinestones and I’m like ‘oh that looks nice, I think I’m gonna get that,’ because when you’re a mom you need sparkle to compensate for the light inside of you that has died.
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When the new baby came my toddler wanted to be a baby again. She was like, ‘I want to drink milk from your boobies,’ and I was like ‘The fact that you can complete that entire sentence disqualifies you. That and your full set of teeth.
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Single people, you don’t know what it’s like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it’s easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash, while you repeat to yourself over and over, that child abuse is illegal!
Breastfeeding is a savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now! It don’t belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple back and forth like that bear f-cking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.
‘You have suffered enough.’ That became my mantra for motherhood from there on out. You have suffered enough. If you can make it easier, make it easier, and don't feel guilty about it.
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