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McDonalds Happy Meal
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15 Adult Happy Meal Toys Moms Really Want

Happy Meals are back for Millennials... but have they kept up with our needs?


Attention Millennials hungry for nostalgia (and chicken nuggets): McDonald’s is now offering adult Happy Meals, complete with Cactus Plant Flea Market toys of the McDonaldland characters. But the last thing moms need is another toy. Here's what we'd like instead...

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#1. Five Goddamn Minutes

To fire off this one email, to close my eyes, to actually enjoy my coffee, to scroll through Instagram, to sit perfectly still with no one talking to me. Just five, uninterrupted minutes. Please. It’s been so long.

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#2. Extra Fries

It’s not even that we want two fries, but someone always takes ours and it would be nice to actually be able to eat a full serving for a change.

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#3. A Nice House Plant

Yes another one. Why did you make that face? Who are you? My partner? Yes we need another one – the vibes are off without it. Besides, there’s still room on the windowsill in the living room.

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#4. A Target Gift Card

You know how in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory everyone was looking for the Golden Ticket because they knew it would let them go into a magical world full of enchanted treasures? This is like that, but for moms.

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#5. A Full Night’s Sleep

Please. Just one. It’ll be like a reset... the reset we’ve needed since about 2017...

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#6. More Phone Storage

Because let me tell you something now, folks, those kids are only little once and we need every. single. minute. documented so we have something to look at and cry when they go to college one day...

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#7. That Happy Meal Toy Her Mom Threw Out When She Was 7

It’s not even really that we want it back, we just want it to be un-thrown away, you know?

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#8. Jeans She Really Loves

After childbirth our organs move into place, our C-section scars heal, our vaginas are mostly back to normal, and we heal... but, for some reason, no jeans ever seem to fit well ever, ever again. What’s up with that?!

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#9. A Pass To Pee Alone

It’s just not something we should have to do with an audience.

#10. A Family Planner

You may hear “family planner” and think, like, an elegant day planner or big wall calendar. No. We mean a literal, hyper-organized and ruthlessly efficient person to come run our lives for us.


#11. Throw Pillows

Because it doesn’t matter how many we have: we always need at least two more.

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#12. A Clone

Some people think human cloning is playing God. We say: stop asking parents to do and be so many things at once that you may as well be asking us to be a god and we’ll talk. Until then, send in the clones.

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#13. A Joint

Or an edible! Either is good. Just a little somethin’ somethin’ to unwind after the kids go to bed. And, truly, can you think of anything that pairs better with fast food? We can’t.

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#14. A Vibrator

🎶Ba da ba ba baaaAAAAAAAAAH: I’m lovin’ it. 🎶

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#15. Silence

Just... shhhhhhhhhh...

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