Apple Martin Can't Handle Hearing Her Mom Gwyneth Paltrow Talk About S-E-X

Gwyneth Paltrow has pretty unapologetically leaned into the fact that she’s not like most moms (or women... or, just, people generally). Her lifestyle brand, GOOP promotes a broad range of items, including $3,423 dresses (“made in Italy from a diaphanous silk-blend matelassé”), $285 skin oils, and, of course, the notorious “yoni eggs” (a bargain at $66). But all the vagina-scented candles in the world cannot ward off the simple truth among mothers everywhere: your kids will cringe if they hear you talk about sex. Recently, Paltrow’s daughter, Apple Martin, reacted to her mom talking about her sex life on the Call Her Daddy podcast and it went... well, think about how you would react if you heard your mom ranking her ex-lovers by skill level. Yeah. Like that.

Call Her Daddy is an advice/comedy podcast that’s usually mainly about sex and relationships (in case the name didn’t give that away). But host Alexandra Cooper was planning to keep it “classy” with the Academy Award-winning actress and businesswoman (a classy broad — not just anyone can have sex with Shakespeare, people). But apparently, Paltrow’s in-studio plus one, 18-year-old daughter Apple, insisted the host “roast her” and “ask her everything.”

Be careful what you wish for, young Apple...

Yes: this is the face you make when you hear your mother rank the bedroom skills of her exes. We can’t decide if it makes it better or worse to know that those exes include Hollywood heavy-hitters Brad Pitt (to whom Paltrow was engaged in the ‘90s) and Ben Affleck (dated 1997 to 2000). For a bit of extra-cringe, Paltrow also played a round of “Marry, F-ck, Kill” with the aforementioned exes as well as her ex-husband, Apple’s dad, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. (We know you’re curious, so we’ll tell you: Re-marry Martin, f-ck Pitt (with whom she apparently had “major” “love of your life” chemistry) and, though “technically excellent” Affleck... well... “God bless him.”)

But, according to the podcast Apple (an adult at 18... we’ll give everyone who remembers her being born a minute to just soak in that information) is equipped to handle bawdy talk. Paltrow also took time to laugh with Cooper about her daughter’s robust sex ed as a kid.

“I will never forget Apple and her best friend Emily sitting at our kitchen banquette in shock, color drained from their face [their school] taught them everything,” she explained. “Ev.Er.Y.Thing. Anything you’re thinking they taught the 11 and 12 year olds... they’re like ‘Do people do this?!’”

They do, Apple. And now you know, as never before, that includes your mom.