Thanksgiving
Because you're absolutely going to have to remind one of your great-aunts to turn their mic on.
Ever since Dr. Fauci cautioned us against big family gatherings, many of us have decided to take our Thanksgiving dinners virtual, hosting them on Zoom. And while we're fighting bad connections and trying to have proper camera placement so we can see Aunt Suzie's sweet potato soufflé, we're probably documenting the weirdness in real time on Insta. To that end, I have some Instagram captions for your Zoom Thanksgiving, because why the heck not?
Let's face it, this is going to be the weirdest of Thanksgivings. There will be no getting drunk with high school friends the night before. Black Friday will be almost entirely online. Half of us will be having our meals catered from Fresh Direct, and most of us probably won't even bother with real clothes. (Pajamas for everyone.) Documenting all the strangeness is probably about the closest thing to "normal" that we'll be doing the whole holiday season. Yes, it is difficult to get a good picture of a Zoom meeting thanks to the perils of taking photos of screens, but at just the right angle, and just the right filter? OK, it's honestly still pretty depressing, but it's something to remember, that's for sure.
So, break out your comfiest stretchy pants, reheat that artisanal turkey and gravy, crack open your finest $8 wine, and get to captioning the experience. (And please, limit yourself to no more than three Toobin jokes.)
1
"The year everyone won the wishbone."
Your cheating uncle Richard can't game the system, now. That good luck belongs to all of us for 2021, and sweet unholy offerings to the turkey gods do we ever need it.
2
"Pro tip: You can mute your racist Aunt Karen."
It's true, you can. Do that.
3
"The one where I drank all the wine."
You bought it. It's yours.
4
"The kids are at the grown-up table, and I hate it."
Can I send them to the living room anyway? For nostalgia?
5
"Guess what, I've always hated football."
Now is the time to tell your personal truths. My brother watches football every Thanksgiving, and I hate it. This year, I'm watching Eight Crazy Nights, and no one will say otherwise.
6
"I'm eating tacos, and I don't regret it."
Whatever you're eating this year is A-OK. Hey, you could even make turkey tacos if you're feeling festive.
7
"At least the election is over, right?"
Or at least, we hope it is.
8
"Different platform, same passive-aggressive energy."
"Oh really, Aunt Martha? Tell me more about how your spider plant is thriving in quarantine. I know, mine is positively anemic compared to your plant's bounty."
9
"I actually miss my mother's crappy mashed potatoes."
Yes, they're somehow both too dry, too wet, and too full of lumps, but they'd taste great right about now.
10
"This year, the parade is just my kids wandering from their tablets to the fridge and back."
Put a costume on them and call it good.
11
"Show us your cat."
It's a classic for a reason.
12
"Why did I buy the Costco-sized pumpkin pie?"
Oh yeah, because I wanted to. Now pass the whipped cream.
13
"The mute button is right there, Bubbe. No, no, no, now we can't see you. No, put the laptop down. Put it DOWN. OK, now tilt. OK... did he just leave the meeting?"
It's going to happen.
14
"Can I put up a virtual Zoom background so my uncle can't see what a slob I've become?"
I vote you choose something tropical.
15
"No, Aunt Brenda, I can't smell your essential oils over Zoom."
But she'd like you to buy some anyways. In fact, would you like to join her team? It only takes a short, eight-hour onboarding and $3,000 investment.
