The Two Dirty Words Moms Know All Too Well

You have it before your baby is even born. It creeps up when you least expect it. It’s ingrained in you without you even knowing. And then, all of a sudden, your baby is here and you feel it even more. More than while they were in your tummy and more as time goes on. Moms, I think you know what I’m talking about: yup, it's mom guilt.

For me, the guilt began when I did things pregnant women are advised not to do, like painting my nails or using an anti-wrinkle cream. I’d feel guilty for taking a few sips of my husband’s wine or for taking a little bite of my friend’s tuna tartare. I’d even feel bad for prioritizing work over preparing my son's nursery during that critical time frame when a day without ordering a piece of furniture meant delaying its arrival by a week. But my pre-baby mom guilt came to a head with my pup, Rocky.

Rocky was my fur son for almost 16 years, but the moment my son Hendrix arrived, Rocky was no longer the baby in the house. Simply put, I felt as if I were cheating on him with a shiny new thing, especially at a time when he needed me most. At 15 years old his health was deteriorating, and in the days leading up to Hendrix’s arrival, Rocky was in and out of the hospital with seizures. My mom and husband carried the stress that came with a sick pup while I focused on bringing life into this world — which, of course, contributed to my mom guilt kicking in. The fact that I couldn’t be there for my Rocky was breaking my heart, and the fact that I was thinking about my fur babe when my biological babe was coming into this world was also breaking my heart.

When Hendrix was born on July 28, my husband and I were immediately in love and I felt like I was falling even deeper each day. But with every moment of falling more in love with my child, that feeling of guilt would come back to haunt me. Even in the most common moments like a diaper change, I'd question my ability and dedication, worrying if I was changing my son too often, or not enough. (Thankfully, that particular problem was solved by finding Pampers Swaddlers, which have strips that turn blue when it's time for a change.)

In those earliest days, I found myself constantly wondering, “Is this my life now? Diapers and feedings around the clock, with no time to even shower? Am I supposed to be happy doing this every hour of every day?” I spoke to other moms about the worries of new motherhood, and was met with the same statement over and over: “It gets easier. Hang in there.” As time has gone on, I can say it has gotten easier, but not without bumps in the road; Rocky’s time on earth sadly came to an end a few weeks ago. We’ve been devastated, but I know deep down that he waited as long as he could so he could be there for his dad and I as we adjusted to the newborn experience.

Now, Hendrix is 3 months old and my love for him is expanding with every smile, every feeding, and every diaper change. I’m finding joy in the routine and I keep reminding myself that while those everyday moments are necessary survival tasks, they’re also moments that demonstrate my unwavering love for my son. Mom guilt takes on many forms, and I’m sure it’ll never go away entirely, but I find comfort in knowing that I’m doing everything in my power to keep my son thriving and happy.

I recently spoke on a virtual panel with three other moms and we discussed the feeling of mom guilt when it comes to work. One of my fellow panelists said something that stuck with me. She said she doesn’t experience mom guilt because she knows that the time she spends away from her baby is her way of making sure she’s setting him up for a better life — a better future than she had. That's the motto to live by, and that’s what I’ll be telling myself every time mom guilt creeps in.

At the end of the day, we’re all doing our best, and when we do experience guilt — whether it's around work or lack of experience — we need to remind ourselves that the ultimate goal as parents is to create the best possible lives for our kids. And I, for one, can't wait to watch that life play out.

This post is sponsored by Pampers.