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10 Holidays Just For Moms, Because We Deserve This

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When you're a mom, holidays stop being carefree and start being, well... your responsibility. Gone are the days of stuffing your face with turkey and passing out on the couch while your aunts do the dishes. No longer can you effortlessly wake up on Christmas morning to a small mountain of presents. Nowadays, the turkey, the dishes, the presents, the tree? It's all on you, babe. You're doing most of the holiday planning, prep, and clean-up for the benefit of your children. And while that's rewarding in its own way, moms need their own holidays. Yeah, we have Mother's Day, but that's usually a bust, so here are proposals for 10, new, obligation-free celebrations that speak to the soul of the everyday mother.

Figure-It-Out Day

Kids have everything to learn, so it makes sense that they have a lot of questions. But somewhere between "What's the Tooth Fairy's favorite color?" and the 100th sobbing rendition "Where's my tooooooooooy?!" (You're holding it; are you kidding me?) it gets exhausting. Wouldn't it be nice to have one day where no one asks you anything? Enter Figure-It-Out Day, a 24-hour period where no one is allowed to ask moms questions. They must, as the title indicates, figure it out on their own. From finding a snack to navigating the games on their tablet to understanding why they have to take a bath tonight — children, partners, and even co-workers and bosses must, for one goddamn day, get by without you holding their hand. Hopefully, the spirit of this holiday can be kept alive in the hearts of our families all year long.

The Feast Of The Immaculate Plate

A minor but profoundly spiritually and moving holiday where you make one dinner that everyone eats all of without complaint — yes, even the vegetables — and then thank you as they bring their plate to the sink. It's truly beautiful.

The Purge

Not to be confused with the horror franchise of the same name, this holiday marks the occasion of you getting to throw out anything you want and no one gets to fight you about it. So the toys your kids don't play with but suddenly can't live without when you suggest donating them (and then go back to never playing with them)? Purged. The stack of eight-week-old newspapers on the counter your partner "still wants to read"? Purged. Your kid's half-hearted art projects you normally feel guilty about throwing away? Purged.

There's a Purge Parade. Marie Kondo is the grand marshal. Again, no murdering people while wearing spooky masks.

The Feast Of The Ascension Of St. Lizzo

This is just a day where moms are free to pursue their most authentic, joyful selves and — like Lizzo preaches — feel good as hell.

What does that mean? Mama, whatever you want it to mean!

Want to spend the day at the beach with your family? Awesome! Want to spend all day in your bathtub screaming Adele songs at the top of your lungs while crying cathartically? Marvelous! Want to spend half your day at a boozy drag queen brunch with your friends and the other half cuddling with your partner while your kids go over a relative's house? This is why we have the Feast of St. Lizzo. Enjoy!

The Blessed 24 Hours Of Maintenance

Have you ever looked around the house you just spent forever cleaning only to find a fresh pile of toys/socks/laundry/muddy footprints and scream "I JUST CLEANED THIS! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS!" Well thanks to The Blessed 24 Hours Of Maintenance, you can!

On Maintenance Eve, the whole family works together to tidy a living space. Ideally, mom will mainly serve in a managerial position, dictating what other people should be doing and how they should do it. And then, for a whole 24 hours no one is allowed to mess it up. No recreating messes. No new messes. Just... 24 hours of everything being nice. Because you know what, it' not too much to ask!

Napmas

You just nap for as long as you want and it's the best.

The Days Of Glory

Sure, we love our children and being a mom and wouldn't change that for the world... most of the time. But it's not unusual to be elbows deep in pee-soaked linens at 3 a.m. and think "I miss not being a mom." This all-too-common sentiment is recognized and celebrated during The Days of Glory, a long-weekend holiday in early summer that allows moms to live the lives they enjoyed before kids.

After donning the ceremonial attire (aka whatever was in fashion before you had children — in my case, we're talking statement belts, peplum tops, and bib necklaces for days), moms relive the halcyon days of their youth, listening to period appropriate music, dancing with their friends, and generally having as little responsibility and as much fun as possible.

It is highly recommended that the third Day of Glory is spent recovering from the first two. Otherwise you're in for a mother of a Monday...

Disappearing Day

A deeply spiritual holiday where mom is nowhere to be found. Where is she? Are all the moms together somewhere? Are they each off on their own? Did she fly to Japan? Is she hiding in the closet? Did she check into a spa? Is she hanging out with the lady who runs the bodega down the street, sitting on an overturned milk crate while she chats and eats salt and vinegar potato chips? No one knows, and it stays that way.

Hey nonny nonny, hey joy oh Tarjay. Bloomberg/Bloomberg/Getty Images

The Tarjay Pilgrimage

On this blessed day, moms and moms only make a pilgrimage to that holiest of sites: Target. A minivan caravan is organized and moms arrive en masse, to spend the day wandering the aisle and saying things like "Oh look how cute!" and "Well for $12.99 how do you not get this?"

You know how no matter when you go there always seems to be a crying child in Target? Not on this day. This day is special: it's just aisle after aisle of moms enjoying their shopping experience. No one rushes them, no one asks for a toy, no one hides in the clearance rack while you keep screaming their name and making a scene. No one asks for popcorn on the way out. It is a day where mothers can leisurely stroll through the home goods section, fluffing pillows and sniffing all the candles they want.

Cozytide

This is a mom holiday the whole family can enjoy. Everyone stays in their pajamas, gets on the couch, and cuddles while watching TV, reading, napping, playing games, or just generally enjoying one another's company. Because, on its best days, that's what parenting is, and it's nice to have a dedicated day to remember and make time for that.