LoloStock/Fotolia

10 Men Describe What They *Think* Breastfeeding Feels Like

By
Share
Ad failed to load

The vast majority of men will never breastfeed, and certainly don't have much frame of reference to know what it's like. As a result, I asked men to describe what they think breastfeeding feels like, because this should be good, right? A while back, I asked men to describe what they thought contractions felt like. Their answers were hysterical and creative and they were great sports about the fact that they knew I was going to "LOLWUT?!" them at some point.

I don't expect guys to have good answers to this particular question. For one, anyone who hasn't nursed would be reasonably in the dark. Breastfeeding is weird. The first time I fed my baby the sensation wasn't shockingly novel, but was nevertheless different and sort of odd. I couldn't have known exactly what it was going to be like until I tried it for myself. But most guys have the added complication of not knowing what it's like to have a female body. So how can you even imagine what it's like to breastfeed when you don't even know what it feels like to have lactating breasts?

So, for those among you who have breastfed: close your eyes and imagine what it's like. Think of your lived experience. Think of the physical and emotional effects that experience had on you. Now, get a load of this:

Ad failed to load

Arthur

To which I ask:

Seriously, man, are you a 17th century apothecary? That would be sort of cool, because I've never met a time traveler before, but if you're not then any other alternative makes me a little bit nervous.

Arthur went on to add: "I also imagine it’s like an sensation of endlessly draining a ripe white head."

Cue 30 minutes of dry heaving.

"Wilson"

Giphy

If I never hear a breast being compared to a blemish ever again, I can look back on my life in satisfaction, no matter what else happens. Because OMG, barf, guys! Gross! Boobs are beautiful! Why are you thinking about zits and pimples and stuff?!

As for the blood pressure aspect, points for creative thinking, but no. Not really.

Jonathan

Giphy

I can only assume, Jonathan, that you mean getting a hickey, not, like, having one. And, OK, sure. Under bad circumstances, a breastfeeding baby can call to mind a clueless high school fling, because some babies have a strong-ass latch.

As for "stuff coming out," I am not going to laugh at that one, because that's a perfectly reasonable thing to think, but you don't really feel anything coming out. You feel letdown and your boob being drained, but generally speaking you don't necessarily feel milk coming out of your nipple (which can be a real mindf*ck for moms, especially moms who are having difficulty with nursing or baby weight gain).

Ad failed to load

Ben

Giphy

Yes. We can read one another's minds. That's why new moms breastfeed so much. It's not because the baby needs to eat every few hours. It's because we're mind melding and plotting against you.

Javier

Giphy

Oh. No, honey. No. It's a very different nipple sensation on, like, every level on which there can exist a level.

Colin

For those among us who aren't acquainted with sea creatures, this is a remora:

They have suction cup heads (no, really) and usually attach to sharks so they can eat whatever the shark doesn't.

This is a barnacle

They exist in sharp, pointy, ouchy little shells that can cut the sh*t out of your feet if you're not watching where you walk during a rock walk by the beach.

In general, I'd say it's more like a remora situation where they just sort of latch on like a suction cup and don't let go. But sometimes they can get chompy and their nascent teeth (or even just their gums) can feel like miserable little barnacles.

So, I'd have to say it's an ungodly combination of a remora and a barnacle. Like a barmora. Or a remarnacle.

Ad failed to load

Joshua

Giphy

Wha? No!

And when I told him how wrong he was, he was, like, really and genuinely surprised that he was so far off base.

"So, you can't feel it going through you??"

Not really. Letdown feels different. It certainly doesn't feel like your nipples are peeing.

"Weird," said the man who uttered the phrase "peeing but through your boobs."

Matt

Giphy

So, breastfeeding can absolutely hurt, especially in the beginning, but it's usually not a teeth issue. With a proper latch a child's bottom teeth are covered by their tongue, which positions their top teeth in such a way that they're really not going to bother you any. Also, once kids have a full set, they are generally smart enough to figure, "This is where my milk comes from, so I'm not going to bite the boob that feeds me."

Of course, some kids can be assh*les (or distracted) and bite you and it hurts. Other times, teething babies will gnaw on anything to soothe their gums. So you do, occasionally, have to develop pretty tough nipples. But generally, under typical situations, no, it doesn't hurt, not even after they get teeth.

"Jerry"

Giphy

Don't I wish.

Ad failed to load

Danny

Well, that is more or less accurate (though, again, it's not so much feeling a flow as just feeling the pressure decrease).

Well done, Danny!

Check out Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries:

Watch full episodes of Romper's Doula Diaries on Facebook Watch.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

6 Early Signs You're Going To Have A Short Labor, According To Experts

As far as I'm concerned, a short labor is right up there with winning the lottery in terms of lucky life events. (And when I was actually in labor, I would absolutely have traded a bucketful of lottery winnings for a speedier birth.) While some women…
By Kelly Mullen-McWilliams

Kids Will Love These TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix In March

You can always count on Netflix to keep it fresh: though there are already so many movies and shows to choose from, every month there's an influx of new content to keep your entire family entertained. As February enters its final weeks, it's time to …
By Megan Walsh

Here Are 10 Ways To Boost Your Baby's Immunity To The Flu

As I'm sure you've read in the thousands upon thousands of articles written about it this winter, the flu is spreading like wildfire and it's bad. Really bad. This strand of flu is the worst we've had in a very long time and it's the most widespread,…
By Abi Berwager Schreier

Khloé Kardashian Asked Twitter About Her Bump, & Moms Totally Delivered

Like her younger sister Kylie Jenner, Khloé Kardashian managed to keep most of her pregnancy a sort-of secret. But unlike Jenner, Kardashian chose to publicly announce her pregnancy several months before the baby's due date. While there's no wrong wa…
By Sophie Hirsh

21 Moms Share The Most Surprising Part About Having A C-Section

Honestly, I don't think we, as a culture, talk about C-sections nearly enough, especially considering so many mothers experience them. And because of a number of factors, the little we do talk about it always seems to be a familiar narrative: "It's n…
By Jamie Kenney

13 Yummy Instant Pot Recipes To Make Under 30 Minutes

An Instant Pot seems to be the must-have appliance in every kitchen these days. If you are anything like me and never knew the beauty of a Instant Pot, you are about to have your life changed. Basically, you put some ingredients into a pot, set the t…
By Kristin Manna

9 Things The First Six Months Of Motherhood Will Teach You About Your Baby

Personally, the first six months of motherhood was a mixed bag. I learned some harsh lessons about myself that made taking care of my baby seem overwhelming. For example, I was clueless, and no amount of research could help me feel like anything but …
By Steph Montgomery

11 Photos You *Must* Take During The Last Days Of Your Pregnancy

During my first pregnancy, I took a photo each week to document my growing belly. I stopped around 36 weeks, though. I hated how I looked in those pictures, and didn't think I'd want to relive those moments. I was wrong. My second pregnancy was a dum…
By Steph Montgomery

6 Red Flags To Definitely Look Out For After Your Baby Falls

The first time my infant son tried to take a few steps, he tumbled and bumped his head on the coffee table. My blood turned to ice in my veins and I froze. There truly isn't anything quite like the feeling a parent gets when their little one gets hur…
By Sarah Bunton

These 9 Instant Pot Recipes Will Make Even The Pickiest Eater Happy At The Table

Like any parent, I've had my share of parenting hits and misses, but one of my favorite "wins" is my daughter's diverse palate. I don't even know if I can take credit for it, but I would like to think I had something to do with her love for lentils, …
By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

Turns Out, Kim Kardashian's Favorite Mom Products Look A Lot Like Your Own Faves

Being a mom is really hard work, especially for the first few months, and Kim Kardashian West is no different in that regard. Now the mother of three, Kardashian says that there are a few products she just can't live without when it comes to raising …
By Abi Berwager Schreier

10 Things No One Tells You About Having A Baby In Your 30s

If you're like me, you evaluate the pros and cons of any major life decision. When my husband and I were considering starting a family, I thought about my career, education, and financial stability. I wanted to know how a pregnancy and childbirth wou…
By Steph Montgomery

Soda Might Hurt Your Fertility, Study Says, & Here's What You Can Do

Who doesn't love sugary drinks? I stopped drinking soda years ago, but I still love gulping down those fancy Starbucks coffee beverages. I don't have a big sweet tooth, but I am a sucker for sugar-sweetened beverages every now-and-then. Turns out, th…
By Annamarya Scaccia

5 Red Flags Your Toddler Isn't Eating Enough

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters, at least in my experience. You offer mashed potatoes, they want french fries. You give them crackers, they scream for chips. It's frustrating, to be sure, but it's usually their way of vying for independence. It…
By Candace Ganger

35 Moms Share The Most Disgusting Things Their Husbands Do

I'm a human being who revels in challenges. I like when people present me with one, especially if they don't think I can meet or succeed it, and I like taking a challenge on, especially if it's unexpected. So when I aimed to uncover the most disgusti…
By Jamie Kenney

How Having Kids In Your 20s Affects You Later In Life

For parents, like myself, who had kids in their 20s, there are a number of questions that come to mind. When you're deciding what your future will look like, you'll likely consider what this means for your health, career, and more down the line. Thin…
By Tessa Shull

Study: Drinking Two Glasses Of Wine A Day Is Good For Your Mind — Here's Why

There’s more scientific proof that a daily drink or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and could have a place in an overall healthy lifestyle. A new study out of the University of Rochester Medical Center (URMC) in New York found that — in mice, at le…
By Tiffany Thomas

Research Says Eating Carbs Can Lead To A Healthy Pregnancy, So Bring On The Pasta

In the world of me, no food is better than bread. I know it's supposed to be pretty terrible for you, high in calories, low in protein, and full of that modern-day demon, gluten... but guys, it's really yummy. Especially warm out of the oven, when th…
By Jen McGuire

These Photos Of Prince George Then & Now Will Give You Serious Baby Fever

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their third child in Spring 2018. With all of the excitement surrounding the new baby, it's easy to forget all of the good times that have already passed. The couple's eldest is already well into the sc…
By Azure Hall

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
By Lindsay E. Mack