Having a conversation with a toddler is like talking to a cat; sometimes you can decipher what they're trying to tell you (treat? potty? pain?) but most of the time you don't have a freakin' clue. Because their little brains are still learning and de-coding life, those futile discussions end up sounding like a comedy script. Some of the most ridiculous conversations I've had with my toddler have stemmed from the most basic of topics, where he misunderstood a critical piece of information or has formed his own opinionated conclusion and won't budge when faced with an alternative. I mean, have you ever tried to win an argument with a toddler? It's impossible. What they know is what they know and that is a fact.
When my oldest was little (she's now a 10-year-old), she would say the most absurd things and seemingly out of nowhere. That is, of course, until I found the missing link between what was really said and what she thought I said. Actually, because she's not the best listener, this still happens and on a pretty regular basis, but I digress.
My son just turned five so while he's nearing out of the toddler years, he's still very much in the toddler mindset. With his tiny voice and small, almost skeletal frame, the boy and his weird topics sometimes catch me off guard. In fact, just the other day and, again, out of nowhere, he wished his sister a terrible day, called me a horse, then followed that gem up with a resounding, "goodnight." What? This kind of thing is the norm around here and, to be honest, I kind of love it. So, on that note, here are some of the most ridiculous conversations I've had with my toddlers (that I'll tell their partners to embarrass them when their grown, obviously). Because parenting.
"It's 'Simple War', Not 'Civil War'"
My son is a huge Avenger's/Marvel/Star Wars fan. He knows every character and villain inside and out, going so far to say he, "prefers a Kylo Ren to Luke Skywalker" because, "even if everyone hates him, his mom loves him."
I really can't argue with that.
However, he often says words wrong and while we don't always correct him (because it's adorable, duh) when we do, there's nothing but backlash and absolute refusal that we could even possibly be right. Stupid parents. So, what's a mother to do? Let the boy say, 'Simple war" forever, I guess.
"Yes, These Are My Boobies"
Because my partner works long hours on second shift, I'm the primary caregiver at home. We bathe and go to the bathroom with the door open most of the time because closing it just means they'll barge in eventually. What is privacy, anyway?
Lately, I've grown tired of the body conversations I have with my toddler. No matter how many different times and ways I've explained my breasts, he's dumfounded by the sight of them. In the beginning, his curiosity was natural and because breastfeeding was short-lived, he doesn't remember actually seeing them or being fed by them. So, now I find myself in situations where he pokes my breasts while we're eating dinner at a restaurant and loudly says ,"Boobie-holder" or, "These are mommy's boobies, everyone!"
Of course there's always my personal "favorite," when my son said, "You're pretty" so I replied with a, "Thank you" and he corrected me with "Not you, your boobies." This is why I've started closing the bathroom door.
"You're Not Pregnant"
We all eat a little too much every now and then but when you're a 5-year-old kid, this means you're going to "poop out a baby."
Uh, I'm sorry but what? I pride myself in talking openly, and calmly, about things like bodies, babies, sex, and all the things that make me scream internally. So when my little baby says the aforementioned, and constantly, I can't help but wonder where I went wrong? Seriously, where?
"That's What She Said"
Me: "This is harder than I thought," I said.
My daughter: "That's what she said."
My daughter: "What? That's what MiMi said when she tried to close the lock on the door. It's hard."
(Actual conversation with my daughter when she was a toddler. You're welcome.)
"The Porcupine Incident"
While driving one night, my daughter and I began talking about animals and other random things because toddlers are inquisitive and never let you just drive.
"Have you seen a porcupine? I asked. Without hesitation, she said, "Yes. The one MiMi hit with her car."
"I'm The Same Person"
When my hair was longer, I often threw it up in a ponytail or messy bun because, you know, #MomLife. It never occurred to me this simple act could be traumatizing until I had my son. When my son was a two-year-old toddler, I took a "risk" and pinned my bangs back. While I initially felt good about myself, he argued something was wrong with me and I had to "fix it."
I remember his little fingers touching my head in horror claiming I was a "different person." He actually wouldn't let me hold him until I let my hair flow free again. Still, to this day, even when I want the hair out of my face I think twice about that fateful hair day wondering if, once he's older, he'll have a massive fear of bang-free people because of me.
"I'm Allergic To All Girls But You, Mommy"
I really don't have a whole story around this; I just wanted to let everyone know my toddler said it (in case he hates me later on in life).
"You Need A Kick In 'The Real'"
Some people need a kick in the ass, but if you're trying to disagree with my son, you'll get a kick in the "real." Do we know what it means? Nope. Do we care? Nope.
We once asked him what it meant but his reply was more of an "are you kidding me?" stare, so we just went with it.
"Daylight Savings Time"
If you've had (or currently have) a toddler and live in the Midwest, try having the Daylight Savings talk and see if you don't get the migraine of a lifetime. Growing up in Indiana and moving to Ohio in my adult years, this evil time-twister has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Spring forward, fall back? That's the dumb phrase. What it really means to my toddler is, you know, nothing. It means not a damn thing.
All he knows is, in the summer, the clock says one thing but the sun is bursting through his window, while winter brings an afternoon moon into view. No, son, it doesn't make sense and, yes, I want to rip all my hair out when we talk about it. Bedtime is still bedtime and time is still time so no need to "use the force" to make things match up again.
If only it were that easy. If only.
Jeff Foxworthy wrote a wonderful children's book, "Dirt on My Shirt." We own it, we read it, and we love it. The problem is, from day one, my toddler insists the picture of Jeff on the back of the book is his PaPaw. Every time we read it, we go through the same argument.
Me: "That's Jeff Foxworthy, not Papaw. This man write the book."
Him: "Papaw is Jeff Foxworthy!"
(In his defense, the Papaw in question does look slightly similar to Mr. Foxworthy, though,he also compares me to some pretty weird, non-human animations so...)
Both of my kids have said some pretty ridiculous stuff. I've written some of it down to reflect back when I'm feeling down. I'm hoping someday when they're older, we can sit down and laugh together. Or maybe, I'll laugh while they cringe. Either way, I know these conversations are worth it.