Life
The people who claim that first trimester "isn't that bad" are either lying or simply did not experience what the vast majority of us do. That, or they're dudes who can't possibly know. Because for roughly 80 percent of pregnant women, the first trimester of pregnancy is marked by a delightful cocktail of dizziness, headache, fatigue, nausea, and vomiting. While those hormones are wreaking havoc on your physical person, they're also affecting your mental and emotional state. Is it any wonder, then, that people will get on your nerves? If you legit hate certain people in your first trimester, you're not just normal in my book, you're entitled.
Pregnancy, and specifically the first 12 weeks of it, makes me hate everyone. Seriously, I just feel like everything is the worst, and I want to crawl into a hole and not come out until second trimester. When I'm pregnant, I have consistent nausea throughout the day, and I vomit after every meal. That's not counting the dry-heaving, which is how I start every blessed morning. Sometimes it's all I can do just to lie the couch. Pregnancy turns me into a miserable pile of hormonal hot garbage, and yes, I probably hate your guts right now.
Maybe you think "hate" is a strong word, but if that's the case, I'm guessing you've never opened your car door to yak up your smoothie and been tut-tutted at by a stranger. Reasonable or not (and we all know that's not our first-trimester strong suit), I'm betting these people are on your pregnancy sh*t list:
Happy Pregnant Women
Tra-la-la! Look at me with my luscious hair, glowing skin, and adorable baby bump. To quote Michael Scott, "No! No! No! God, no!" There is nothing more infuriating than a pregnant woman enjoying being out of the first trimester, or worse, escaping unscathed. It's not that I resent them. OK, it's that I resent them.
Your Partner
This is especially true if your partner is the one who "did this to you." Like, I was doing just fine until your sperm came around. (This is not fair, especially if you both wanted the baby, but logic and reason are not the order of the first trimester). Regardless of how you got there, though, your all-day morning sickness will likely result in you being on edge. And your partner's mouth-breathing might be the thing to push your right over it.
The Person Taking Too Long In The Bathroom
I'm literally holding vomit in my mouth, so I'm going to need you to get the f*ck out.
The Condescending Urgent Care Doctor
At around eight weeks of my first pregnancy, I got to a point where I literally couldn't hold anything down — liquid or solid. Silly me, I thought that might be bad for my baby, so I had my husband take me to the ER. After waiting an interminable amount of time, I finally got hooked up to an IV, only to have the the doctor say, "This your first pregnancy, dear?"
The Barista With A Sense Of Humor
Perhaps at another juncture, I might play along with your matzoh ball soup joke, but right now I just need my chai in my hand, mmmkay?
The Individual Giving You Stink-Eye
Oh my God, I know you just heard me puke, but I am not throwing up in the bathroom of this fine dining establishment because I can't hold my cabernet. The minestrone just didn't sit right with the little jellybean I'm growing in my belly, so hold the judgment, please.
The Receptionist On A Power Trip
When I was teaching and had to request a substitute teacher, I always felt like the sub office acted like it was coming out of their paycheck. It's the same when making a prenatal appointment. The front desk worker who informed me that they "just didn't have the capacity to see pregnant women one on one" almost got punched through the phone.
Your Chatty Lawn Service Provider
I love my yard guy, but the last thing I want to talk about while I'm in first trimester hell is mulch. Honestly, I'm having trouble tracking this conversation, and I just want to lie down again.
The Lab Tech In Training
Ah, the first trimester blood draw. Normally, I'm a phlebotomist's dream. Big veins and I'm fine with needles. If, however, this is your first rodeo and you turn me into a pincushion, I will unleash holy hellfire on your ass. I do not want to hear the words, "I don't know why this isn't working" come out of my lab tech's mouth ever, but it's especially bad when I already feel like passing out.
Anyone Who Asks You To Do Anything
To be fair, if you haven't told anyone about your pregnancy, they can't take it easy on you. So they just keep asking you to do sh*t, blissfully unaware that editing their blog post is making you physically ill and that the trip to the store to get rolls for the class party knocked you out for the rest of the day. It's enough to awaken your inner rage monster, a beast who can only be vanquished after 12 weeks.
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