Mentally, it is already May in my book, and I've got a laser-eyed focus on wedding season, starting with the royal wedding, which is going to be a cage-match of Meghan Markle's extreme fashion levels and Kate Middleton's ability to make motherhood look like something you want to impulse buy rn on your phone. I'm *assuming* Duchess Kate will be a bridesmaid, though I recognize that Markle might feel a bit hesitant about roping her into the lineup a month after giving birth. It's quite the quandary: what do you do when your bestie is due to give birth right around wedding time? Answer: you make her a bridesmaid, because moms make the best bridesmaids, and you can quote me on that.
Yes, there is some awkwardness about having your new-mom BFF put on the same tube dress as your 16-year-old cousin Chantal, so definitely don't do that. (Pick a color and for the love of, just let everyone pick a dress that will coordinate.) You might also be worried about bringing a tired mom to an alcohol-fueled dervish and having her leave her baby with a sitter. I'm not going to lie, it does suck to be pumping at someone's wedding while your very young baby is at home weirdly being looked after by someone else. But because we love you, we would not miss your wedding for all the world. So you should definitely include us. We will ultimately be thrilled to be a part of your big day, and also we are going to crush it as bridesmaids. Here's why.
1. Moms are the best speech-givers.
Why? Their reading voices have been honed through hours upon hours of bedtime stories, their sense of poignancy is at level 100 because ~babies~, and they'll never drone on too long, because they've got to pee.
2. They are wedding-venue savants.
When you need to take a break, they’ll whisk you away to their secret lactation room for ten glorious minutes in an arm chair drinking from their stash of La Croix.
They know the venue layout, the location of all the power outlets, and all the waitstaff with access to a fridge.
They also know how to get dessert and coffee before the cake cutting. #mvp
3. They will dance like no one is watching.
I don't know if you were in the gallery for the three hours of pushing during delivery of my daughter, and the subsequent stitching up of things by a veeery new intern, but nothing — nothing – will ever embarrass me to that degree again. You want me to dance? I'll start with the sprinkler, do a Phil Collins drum solo, and then you had better be ready for whatever my body does next.
4. They will cry legit tears of joy.
Is your rah-rah bridesmaid who flew in from training to become an astronaut going to bring the *emotion* with her? Maybe, but there is no way she'll bring it like a mom surfing joint waves of sleep deprivation and oxytocin.
I can get glossy-eyed on the mere mention of a wedding dress or weepy groom now. I will make your wedding the emotional peak of our year.
5. They are happy for you to have the spotlight.
Just dear god please no one else look on as I try to latch my newborn on my gigantic boobs. No one else ask me "when I'm due," four weeks postpartum. Look at the bride! Look at her white dress!
It's the perfect diversion for both of you.
6. They're practical.
Trust a mom. We've been toting around utility kits with everything from Advil to musical key-rings to M&Ms to wet wipes to bum cream for quite a while now. Whatever freaky sh*t goes down at your wedding, your mom-friend bridie is there to handle it.
7. They know how to weddings-and-chill.
Some brides like their weddings to feel like the event of the year, and others just want a low-key get-together where everyone hangs out on a deck on her parents' dime.
The mom bridesmaid is there to roll with whatever is going down. If you just want to sit on couches in your wedding attire, she is there for that.
8. They're legit excited about advances in wedding planning.
The mason jars filled with firefly lights were a magical touch! And the artisanal cotton candy! And the photo booth! And the entire theme!
When we got married, it was all strapless dresses and tea light candles. We moms are v v excited for all the new inspo that weddings provide us. Plus we are low-key jotting down ideas for our baby's first birthday — those candles shaped like succulents are interesting. Where did you get them?
9. We've got your flower girls.
No guarantees, tho.
10. We are genuinely excited...
because next comes the baby carriage!
Whenever you're ready, of course.
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