Guys, we need to talk. It's about cannabis. You know: Reefer, weed, grass, ganja or perhaps most famously, "marijuana," as the kids are calling it. The kids, of course, are specifically why I want to talk to you about cannabis, and the terrible parents who smoke marijuana. I mean, honestly, won't someone please think of the children?!

Now there are some who would tell you that arguments against marijuana are over-the-top bombast and hyperbole. Oh sure, you can go on about how marijuana is actually less harmful than alcohol or the medical benefits of marijuana. However, to those people I say: why are you trying to destroy the fabric of American society and create a generation of degenerate bums who don't care about anyone or anything except getting high? Did you know that your hippie arguments make Lady Liberty cry actual physical tears? Honestly, what has she ever done to you, other than maybe welcome your grandparents into this beautiful country with her torch aloft? She's not green because she approves of cannabis, you guys.

I'm concerned, people. Very concerned. Frankly, it's amazing that I can type this article and clutch my pearls simultaneously. Don't these thoughtless, lazy parents understand that raising a family and smoking cannabis, even occasionally, are completely incompatible? I mean really. How can a person even see their children through the hazy, billowing clouds of marijuana smoke? So, with that in mind, here are 10 very good reasons that marijuana will inevitably and wholly destroy any shot you had at being a good parent.

It's So Super Addictive


Did you know that within five minutes of your first marijuana cigarette you become hopelessly addicted? It's true!* So you think "Oh, little Hayley and Aidan are sleeping so I'll just smoke this harmless joint to unwind," and before you know it BOOM. There you are, raiding your child's piggy bank to look for money to support your soul-sucking habit.

*It's not true. In fact, the majority of marijuana users do not become dependent, much less addicted. (Yes, there is a difference between addiction and dependence.)

It's A Gateway Drug


It's just a fact* that if you smoke the wacky tobacky it's only a matter of time before you're experimenting with cocaine, heroin, crystal meth, and horse tranquilizers just so you can feel alive.

*It's not a fact. Not at all. Studies continually show that the great majority of people who try marijuana do not end up using harder drugs.

It Turns Your Brain Into Mush


How will you be able to help your children with their homework when your degenerate cannabis use has literally killed all of your brain cells?! Everyone knows that marijuana causes brain damage!*

*Except that even heavy marijuana use doesn't cause brain damage. It's not a demonic leaf that magically makes you stupid somehow.

It Destroys Your Ambition


If you smoke Satan's leaf you will be completely incapable of getting out of bed (if you were able to get into bed in the first place). That's how little motivation you will have.* You are just going to sleep in a pile of garbage and unwashed laundry and eat trash like a weed-addicted raccoon.

*Counter-argument: Snoop Dogg. The dude loves weed more than maybe anyone on the planet and has built several empires in the past 25 years. The man is wildly successful. While prolonged cannabis use does lead to decreased dopamine levels, and while dopamine does play a role in motivation, even scientists are dubious to draw a direct connection between marijuana and ambition.

It Will Turn You Into A Criminal


The sinister smoke rising from the burning end of a single joint will intoxicate anyone in the vicinity into committing criminal acts that you never, ever would have even dreamed of otherwise.* You will encourage your children to join you in your life of crime, and eventually you will become a family of con artists.

*Not shockingly, this is another big "no." While pot use is heavier among offenders than non-offenders, there's no evidence to show a correlation between smoking marijuana and committing crimes.

You Will Become A Pothead


I don't just mean you're going to become addicted, as I mentioned in my first point. I mean that you could be a three-piece-suit-wearing pillar of the community, but if you smoke you are going to morph into a tie-dye wearing, slouching, chronically giggling stoner who only ever puts on their Birkenstocks and leaves the house to follow Phish. Stereotypes exist for a reason. All marijuana smokers do this, you guys.* You and your children will all be forced to live in a van down by the river.

*I mean, just, now. Duh, and no. They don't, and if you need a specific citation to believe this then you are beyond my help.

You Will Not Be Able To Have Additional Children Because Smoking Weed Results In Infertility


Marijuana use will render smokers permanently and irreversibly sterile.* So, if you ever want to have another baby again, it's best just to not even look at pictures of marijuana since scientists really don't even know what the effects of that on your fertility will be, so let's just go ahead and assume dire.

*While there have been studies that may link abnormal sperm and marijuana use there is no evidence to suggest that even heavy pot use leads to permanent fertility issues.

You'll Forget You Even Have Children


Because your memory will be positively obliterated.* Then you'll see your kid while you're high and freak out and jump out a window!

*While there have been studies that suggest daily marijuana use may permanently affect short-term memory, the evidence also suggests a) that it is pretty unlikely that one would smoke enough pot to do that and b) that long-term memory and problem solving skills are unaffected.

You Can't Be A Responsible Adult And A Pot Smoker


Have you been reading any of this? How could one possibly be a functioning adult and a pot smoker?*

*Pretty easily, it would seem. More than 1/3 of the adult population has tried marijuana and evidence suggests that more regularly smoke than they admit. Use of this drug stretches across several demographics including income level, education, and political leanings.

Not Convinced? Just Watch This Educational Video!

There you have it. Definitive proof that marijuana will turn you into a insane deviant who only wants to do the Charleston and murder people.