When I was pregnant with my first child, I joined an online mom group. It started out as a message board and gradually morphed into a Facebook group. Yes, of course, it has had its ups and downs and dramas: it's the Internet. Mix the Internet with with about 150 new moms, all full of postpartum hormones, sleep deprivation, and Big Ideas About Parenting as only a new and inexperienced parent can have and you basically have everything you need for the perfect storm. It's like the 2000 film of the same name starring Marky-Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney, only instead of facing the world's scariest Nor'easter and drowning at the end, it's all about whose parenting philosophy is damaging and how whatever you're feeding your baby is going to kill it. You can almost see George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg floating among the wreckage, clinging to flotsam for dear life as they whisper, "I just asked who was going to let their baby cry it out..."
But almost five years later, the dramas are few and far between and I still talk to these woman almost every day. They're my Mom Coven and many of them have become friends; I love their babies and they love mine.
But do you know who would make my online mom group even better? Amy F**king Poehler. I mean, I'm pretty sure Amy's involvement in literally any aspect of my life would make it better, but my mom group especially. Go ahead and show me someone cooler than Amy Poehler. I'll wait... You can't. You can't show me anyone cooler than Amy Poehler. Maybe you can find someone as cool, like Margaret Cho or Mindy Kaling or Imperator Furiosa from Mad Max who I know is not actually a real person, but I want her to be so badly. But you cannot point to anyone cooler. Amy is awesome and I want her to join my mom group. Here's why...
Obvious? Yes. But I would be remiss not to list it as a really compelling reason to have her as an online friend.
Amy Poehler's Smart Girls Is One Of The Greatest Gifts The Internet Has Ever Given Us
This organization is amazing. From their mission statement...
Amy Poehler's Smart Girls organization is dedicated to helping young people cultivate their authentic selves. We emphasize intelligence and imagination over "fitting in." We celebrate curiosity over gossip. We are a place where people can truly be their weird and wonderful selves. We are funny first, and informative second, hosting the party you want to attend.
To quote Poehler's celeBFF (can I trademark that word?)
I follow APSG on Facebook and their posts pretty much make me cry inspired tears daily. Amy would probably share the best posts with the mom group and then I'd be all, "OMG! I saw that earlier and bawled! Such a great story!" and then everyone would join in.
She's Feminist As F*ck
I have yet to encounter a group where I thought, "You know what? This place should be less feminist." Amy would bring the funny, yes, but she'd also bring the fierce. She has dedicated a huge amount of her time and effort to encouraging young women in particular: that would have to translate into a spirit of egalitarian sisterhood in a mom group!
Maybe She'd Bring Tina Fey
And then my head would literally explode in happiness.
"You're using "literally" wrong," you scoff. "That's such a pet peeve of mine. You mean "figuratively.""
No. I mean literally. Like, the physical pressure would build and build and the top of my skull would pop off as beams of light shot out of my head along with gray matter. It would probably be pretty painful, but I would be too excited to notice until later.
She'd Tell Us Stories About Her Time With Upright Citizens Brigade And Second City
Amy got her start back in the '90s with the troupe Upright Citizens Brigade, which was featured on Conan O'Brien and then later had its own show on Comedy Central. This was actually my first exposure to Poehler: it was hilarious and I was a big fan. One of my favorite sketches is the "Hot Chicks Room" which highlights Amy's satirical chops.
She could regale the mom group for hours with stories of her days in Chicago, hanging out with people who would become castmates and co-stars.
Her Call Outs Are Direct But Classy
The way she addresses male privilege in this clip is everything. Absolutely everything. Could you imagine her dropping cool, collected, yet biting wit on Sheila, that one really smug mom in the group who constantly tells other people who they should be disciplining their kids? It would be glorious.
She's The Encouraging Mentor Every Woman Needs
Just as she has helped Abbi and Ilana of Broad City achieve their goal of having their own TV show (btw, if you aren't watching this show already, time travel and start binge watching yesterday), Amy Poehler would totally empower you to realize your dreams. Like, if you posted something like, "I'm thinking about opening a bakery, but I don't know if I'm good enough." Amy would be like "THAT IS NONSENSE! I BELIEVE IN YOU! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! MESSAGE ME AND WE WILL PUT TOGETHER A PLAN FOR HOW YOU ARE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR DREAM WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR! YOU ARE AMAZING! THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU!"
I also think that Amy Poehler would totally use all caps in such a situation, because I would, and I'm projecting.
Her Hilary Clinton Impression Is Perfect For An Election Year
Politics in a Mom Group can get dicey, but everyone could join together to appreciate Poehler's spot on Hillary.
She's Leslie !@#%^$% Knope!
I don't even think I need to elaborate on that one.
If She's In Our Mom Group, Maybe We'll Become Best Friends
It's my destiny too, Amy. We are going to be so very, very happy...
Images: Ben Gabbe/Getty Images; Giphy (9); Tumblr; Comedy Central