Ah, bedtime. That wonderful time of the day when my child has exhausted every inexplicable ounce of energy he has in his tiny body and is ready for sweet unconsciousness. He gets to dream sweet baby dreams, and I get to sit on the couch and binge-watch a few episodes of Orange Is The New Black with an oversized glass of wine in my hand. It's a win-win. It's a fresh start. It's a chance for me to think of (and accomplish) all the things I have to before a brand new day begins, while my child is sleeping so that I can... you know... actually do them.

Well, it's usually that easy. And by "usually is" I, of course, mean never is. Ever.

Bedtime is my Everest. Bedtime is the unstoppable force to my immovable object. Bedtime is a war of the wills, in which a toddler and an adult go toe-to-toe in subtle, understated battle that (hopefully) ends with a passed out toddler in bed. It is also the catalyst for my son's amazing imagination, because the reasons he conjures up as to why he just absolutely has to get out of bed are, at the very least, impressive.

From needing a seventeenth glass of water to inflicting what can only be described as emotional terrorism by way of big eyes and sweet, soft-spoken words, my son has become a commander of bedtime aversion. I'd be proud of his accomplishment if it wasn't so damn frustrating.

Anyway, you be the judge but I'm telling you, the kid's got skills for days. Here are a select few of the almost innumerable reasons why my child will claim to legitimately "need" to be out of bed (for the 17th time tonight).

He Needs Water

He just had a sip of water and there's a cup of water on the nightstand next to his toddler bed but, yes, he needs more water. All the water things, mom.

He Has To Go To The Bathroom. Again.

The kid must have a bladder the size of a snow pea because this is just ridiculous.

He Forgot To Tell Me Something

And it clearly can't wait until morning. It also must be very difficult to articulate, because there sure are a lot of "um, um, um, um"s being said right before this unbelievably important information is shared.

He Needs A Hug And A Kiss

OK, well, this is just emotional terrorism.

He's Hungry

He ate everything off his dinner plate and was treated so some desert so I know he couldn't possibly fit another bite of food in his tiny stomach, but still, the dramatic claims of near-starvation are relentless.

He Can't Remember

My child's mind must go through some kind of cleaning process the moment he lays his precious head on his pillow. All of a sudden he can't remember what he had for dinner or what he did before lunch or what Elmo said on Sesame Street, and it's all very important information, you guys. He must know NOW.

He Needs... This... Thing

My son hasn't thought about his Goodnight Elmo or his First Words Book or his not-so-special blanket in who-knows-how-long, but now he has to have one or all of them before he even thinks about going to sleep. Game on, little man. Game on.

He Had A Bad Dream

Valid, of course. Except, you haven't been in your bedroom for even five minutes. So no, you didn't make it to dream land yet and no, you aren't in need of a comfort that only our television can provide. I'm onto you, kid.

He Needs To Know If I Remember When Something Happened, Like, 5 Months Ago

Is it really necessary to walk down memory lane right before you go to sleep? The answer is no. We can do that in the morning, when mom has finished this glass of wine and had a decent night's sleep.

He Misses Me

Again with the emotional terrorism! The kid knows what to say and how to say it. This one usually gets me, and I'll wave the white flag and let him stay up for another five (OK, thirty) minutes. The snuggles will, one day, be very few and far between. Who needs sleep, right?

Images: Juhan Sonin/Flickr; Giphy(10)