10 Things Every Impatient Person Thinks While Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding is gorgeous and wonderful and a fantastic bonding experience with your baby, but let's face it: breastfeeding is boring. Sure, you feel this unbelievable surge of love and warmth and all things maternal when you look down and see your kid eating their breakfast or lunch or seventeenth late-night meal, but after a while, the magic can be somewhat overshadowed by boredom. Good, old fashioned boredom. If you're not good at boredom, this can do strange things to your mind. In my experience, the things an impatient person thinks while breastfeeding can be ridiculous, arguably funny, and definitely unrealistic.
It's difficult not to just allow your mind to wonder when you're awake at 2:30 in the morning, sitting straight up with bloodshot eyes as you breastfeed your kid for who knows how long. I mean, sure, you're doing an incredible thing and burning calories and sustaining your kid from your freakin' body, so it definitely counts as doing something, but it doesn't necessarily feel that way all the time. Really, you just have to show up with a milk-making boob, and that's the end of your job. Once your kid latches, you're on their time and, well, that time isn't always short.
So yes, breastfeeding is great (sometimes) and magical (sometimes) and such a beautiful thing that fills you with a great sense of accomplishment (sometimes), but it can also be the worst. So if you find yourself thinking these 10 thoughts that every impatient person has while breastfeeding, know that you're not alone.
"How Big Can This Kid's Stomach Really Be?"
I mean, honestly?! They're so tiny, where are they putting all that breast milk? Do they have an extra stomach? Are babies born with milk pouches or something? It shouldn't take this freakin' long to feed such an itty bitty little human being, but here I am, waiting around like I'm on a subway train to nowhere, wondering when I'll be free to carry on with my adult life. It truly is a mystery as to where all that nutritious milk goes (until you start changing their diaper. Then, you know, mystery solved).
"Can I Push The Milk Out Faster?"
Maybe if I just tense my pectoral muscles, I can squeeze the milk out faster, the kid can eat quicker, and I can be on my way. I mean, that's how this works, right?
"This Is Boring"
All right, all right. I know, breastfeeding is beautiful, and it really is a wonderful bonding experience that I, for one, am thankful I was willing and able to share with my son. Having said that, it's also boring as all hell. I mean, I just sit there while the kid goes about feeding himself. There's not much for me to do except be present, and when it's 3:00 am, my partner is sleeping, and no one is combating my overwhelming boredom via social media, it's just boring. So. Freakin'. Boring. And you know what seems like it will help pass the time but actually doesn't at all? Thinking about how boring it is.
"I Have A Million Things To Do"
When I was forced to pause whatever it was I was doing and breastfeed my son, I was also forced to think about all the millions of things I have yet to accomplish. Will I ever finish that Netflix series I've been meaning to watch? Will I get to that box of papers I'm assuming are important but have yet to actually read through because mail can be overwhelming? I mean, what am I doing with my life?!
"Has Time Stopped?"
There were plenty of times when I finished breastfeeding and asked my partner what I missed — thinking I had been in our bedroom forever — only to realize my son had finished eating in a few short minutes. When you have nothing to do but wait on a tiny little person, seconds can seem like hours.
"I Wonder If I Could List How Many Other Things I Could Be Doing Right Now"
This is when you decide to actually list in your head all of the things you could be doing instead, just to make yourself feel extra behind and exiled from the rest of your life. What's that you say? It can wait? If I were the sort of person who could entertain that rational thought, I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself right now, would I?
"My Phone Is So. Far. Away."
This is torture. Actual torture. If you made the mistake of setting your phone out of arm's reach, only to be stuck when you finally get into a comfortable position and your baby is successfully breastfeeding, well, godspeed to you. Time won't slow down, time will stand still.
"I'm So Hungry"
For me (and many women) breastfeeding always made me feel extremely hungry. I wanted to eat directly after I breastfed my son, and sometimes during, which made for a few hilarious situations in which my food ended up on my kid's head. Breastfeeding burns an estimated 300-500 calories a day, so it's no wonder that hunger and breastfeeding go hand-in-hand. It's just much more difficult to wait for that well-deserved meal when you're impatient.
"This Is Why Netflix Is A Thing"
Serious question: how did pre-Netflix mothers survive late-night feedings?! Oh I know that staring at your beautiful baby as they breastfeed can bring on some overwhelming, euphoric feelings but come on; I could only look at my kid for so long before I started to wonder what Kimmy Schmidt was up to.
"I Bet I Could Do _____ And Breastfeed At The Same Time"
When you start to feel like breastfeeding is the only thing you can do, or actually do, you start to concoct these crazy scenarios in which you become the ultimate multitasking mother. Cooking dinner on an open stove while sending an important work email and breastfeeding your kid? No problem. Feeding your kid while you sit on the toilet and brush your teeth, humming to whatever song is on the radio? Consider it done. Should you actually do these things? I can't say, but when you're as impatient as I am, you wish you could.