I hate to break it to you, but your baby is essentially the author of Sad Cat Diary (YouTube it and thank me later). I can only assume there's a great deal of inner infant lamentation about the incompetence of the "authorities" (read: parents). Since a baby can only communicate through crying, you'll be hearing a lot of it. There's quite a bit going on in that developing brain, too, so allow me to interpret the thoughts your baby has when they're crying. Look, I'm no mind reader or anything, and this isn't an exact science, but I'm confident in my abilities to discern the thoughts your little one is experiencing as they exercise their very healthy set of lungs.
As most moms do, I learned to interpret my baby's cries. I went from clueless to "I think she's hungry" to "clearly she's upset because you put her mittens on, you monster" in a matter of weeks. Now that I have a toddler, I don't even need visual confirmation. When my daughter's getting ready to go to sleep, she has a fussy, whiny cry that needs no intervention. If she's scared, it's sup-supping that can be soothed with cuddles. Pain has its own distinctive sound, and that's when I come running (like when she fell out of her crib).
So if you've ever wondered what's going on in that recesses of your little one's mind, look no further. Welcome to deep thoughts with your crying baby:
"Is It Second Breakfast Yet?"
It's been exactly 1.5 hours since the start of my last nursing/bottle session. I do realize that my most recent feeding lasted an hour and you haven't had a break, but I'm a newborn and I require nourishment 8-12 times a day. I'll thank you kindly to put the milk in mine belly ASAP.
"This Mobile Is Mocking Me"
I'll bet that fox, squirrel, and hedgehog looked really cute when grandma picked out this infant seat out, but I've had it with these assholes. Seriously, did you know that every time I reach out with my pudgy hands, they swing away from my grasp as if to say, "Too bad, under-developed motor skills."
"But I'm Too Tired To Sleep"
I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I know, I know. I'm a paradox wrapped in a riddle. Which one of you jerks let me get overtired? You just had to take me to that baseball game, huh? Well, I'll show you. You kept me up, and I intend to return the favor.
"Something Is Bothering Me"
You guuuuuuuuys. I'm so uncomfortable. I need to burp. My tummy hurts. I'm teething. I have gas. The seam of my sock is too seam-y. I think I'm too hot. Or maybe too cold. Definitely one of those.
"I Has A Sad"
I'm the saddest baby who was ever sad in the history of sad babies... and I don't know why. It's not my diaper and I'm not hungry, but this place is new and different and a little scary. Could you make it a little womb-ier in here? I'm going to need the 5 S's (swaddle, side/stomach, shush, swing, suck) STAT. Paging Dr. Karp!
"Let Me Sing You The Song Of My People"
"And IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu!" What? This is how I do Whitney.
"This Diaper Isn't Going To Change Itself"
I hate to break it to you, but there is a nasty poop waiting for you. For real, you don't even need to do the smell test (so embarrassing, by the way). I can handle a couple of pees, but I've cooked up something special this time, and I'm going to need a fresh nappy. KTHXBAI.
"Where The Hell Have You Been?"
With whose permission did you leave the room? It certainly wasn't mine. Don't tell me you were in the bathroom peeing when I know you were scrolling through your Facebook feed. I can hear you laughing at Obama-Biden memes from here. Get back here. I have pressing needs for tickling and kisses.
"Excuse Me, Kind Sir, Please Retrieve My Binkie"
I really, really like to suck on things. So if you'd like this crying to stop, I humbly suggest that you retrieve the pacifier that the dog hath absconded with. If returning the binkie doesn't work, then it wasn't the thing that I wanted. I want the other thing. No, not that one. What is this? Amateur hour?
"I Can't Reach My Toes"
I just realized that those little piggies belong to me, but despite my best efforts, I have yet to get them in my mouth. It vexes me, and you will hear of my displeasure, peasants.