New Year's Resolutions are never easy to keep, but as you might have noticed, they get even harder to stick to after you have kids. Maybe it's because you're too tired to care, maybe it's because your standards for self-improvement have dropped from "fabulous" to "functional," or maybe it's because your short term memory is so trashed you keep forgetting what it is you want to do differently in the coming year. Whatever the reason, you've got to laugh, and that's why we love these hilarious New Year's resolutions from parents on Twitter.
Whether your resolutions focus on your role as a parent or spouse, or are straight up selfish hopes that prioritize your own self-care, here are some of the funniest resolutions for parents that have been shared in the Twitter-verse — that makes them official, right? Maybe you have vague intentions to prepare dinners that don't involve the microwave and/or include the words "nugget" or "tots." Maybe you've promised to actually scrub the gunk off the shower tiles on a regular basis. Maybe you just want to be a better parent overall. Whatever it is, the truth is that we too often abandon our resolutions before Christmas break is even over. (Then again, what are we even doing to ourselves trying to make resolutions when the kids are on vacation from school?!)
The parents behind these tweets have a much more realistic take on the whole resolution racket. Because let's be honest, any resolution that you make can be perceived as one big prank you play on yourself — what are the chances you'll actually keep any of them? Will we get more sleep this year? Yeah, probably not. Eat healthier? Sure, occasionally! Go to the gym regularly? Um...
At least one resolution we can keep is to laugh more often. Here are some delightfully defeated tweets from parents to get you started.
1Just a Little Patience, Yeah
Nothing like kids to give you a good reality-check-kick in the ass It's basically like Evan Dando sings in that song by The Lemonheads (hi, '90s parents!): "Patience is like bread I say/I ran out of that yesterday."
2Sleep No More
Eh, just give it up completely. Imagine how much you'll accomplish! Until you collapse in the middle of the produce aisle or someplace equally inconvenient.
If you're a parent in the suburbs who spends every morning swearing under your breath at other parents in the suburbs who can't park to save their lives, you know this mom's pain. Also, newsflash: Apparently it's even less effective if the resolutions you are making are for other people.
4Is That Paleo?
This bacon-wrapped roast might literally stop your heart, but this mom is being too hard on herself. At least it's carb-free.
5Out With the Old
Spark joy, anyone? Show this one to your husband and he might be inspired to help you organize the closets. (Or he'll be insulted. Hopefully the former.)
6Sleep No More, Part 2
Picking up on a trend? Parents. Don't. Sleep. Energetic kids > restful resolutions every time.
Hey, now this one sounds easy enough! Except actually, it's so not. Think of all the effort involved!!
8Kids Can Make Resolutions, Too!
The refreshing thing about kids is that they're always keeping it real. As in, real gross. And real exhausting.
9Financial Planning FTW
Somebody's gotta win, right? (Isn't that what they say on the commercial?) Don't hold your breath.
10Adulting Is Overrated
Lurkin' Mom is living da life. If "getting my shit together" consists of guzzling up candy bars and kicking ass at video games, then count us in, too. Proof that the resolutions worth keeping are those that involve buckets of fun.
11Good Luck, Buddy
Here Disney/Fingerlings/clothes, just take all my money. This is a noble objective, but sorry dude, it ain't gonna happen — unless your kid gets a job or outgrows their Disney obsession. It's not your fault though. You can't escape the powers of commercialism. Just...let it go... #sorrynotsorry
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