After 40 weeks (more or less) of your body surprising you with a new and annoying trick every day, your baby has arrived. Your nausea is gone, and the aches, pains, and overall discomfort that plagued you from head to toe has finally subsided. "At last!" you think to yourself. "All these stupid pregnancy symptoms are gone and my body is back to normal." To this I say: ha! And one more "ha" for good measure. Three words: postpartum hair loss. In fact, the texts you send when you have postpartum hair loss alone will be enough to occupy the time you had been spending hugging a toilet for nine months.
Losing hair after birth is totally normal. Even losing a whole lot is perfectly ordinary. This can happen for a bunch of different reasons, but more often than not most of this loss is actually relative. During your pregnancy, all that extra estrogen was telling your hair that would normally fall out to stay put, but it stops saying that after you give birth. Sometimes this shedding can go into overdrive, and some women may develop noticeably thinner hair or even bald spots. The good news is, generally, your body will regulate itself back to neutral in a few months and things will get better.
But until then, find a few close friends and bemoan this newfound annoyance in text form. In fact, I consider saving the following to your draft folder and sending whenever you feel the need to rightfully vent:
When You're Feeling Catty
When my children were infants we had a cat, our now dearly departed Pigeon. Pigeon was a mostly white, van pattern cat with impossible soft fur — he felt like a bunny. This was amazing when he was on your lap and the hair was on the cat, but that hair got everywhere and had this habit of embedding itself into whatever textile it came into contact with. We called his stray hairs "pigeon feathers." Lint rollers were useless against them, and there were far too many to physically extract them from your outfit one by one. We learned to live a fuzzier life, with everything covered in a layer of kitty fluff.
During those first postpartum months, my hair overtook "pigeon feathers" as the most prominent detritus in the house. Long, thick, black hairs spread over our apartment like the tentacles of a particularly tenacious squid.
When You're Dealing With The Fallout
These are but some of the practical considerations one must take into consideration during the postpartum period. The baby books never cover this one.
When There's Cause For Concern
The consensus seems clear that there's really nothing to be done for run of the mill postpartum hair loss. But you know you're body, so if something seems off, see your doctor. Talk to them about how you feel or other symptoms you're experiencing. It's probably nothing (especially if you're still within a year of giving birth) but peace of mind alone can be worth the visit.
When Pop Culture Says It Perfectly
Images of Dr. Evil, Mr. Clean, Sinead O'Connor, Patrick Stewart, and the Rock are also acceptable, in case you're wondering.
When You're Reaching Your Limit
Because you are postpartum and, as such, emotions can get sort of out of control after a while (besides, you haven't slept in a week). Watching all your hair fall out at the slightest touch can often be the straw that breaks the camel's back and causes you to meltdown. It's not just about the hair, to be sure, but the hair thing definitely isn't helping.
When You're Trying All The DIY Projects
I mean, when life hand you lemons, you may as well get a variety of fun wigs out of it, am I right? Waste not want not, my friends.
When Your'e Experiencing The Makeover Montage
Is there any problem that cannot be solved with a fun and sassy makeover? OK, so most problems can't be solved with a makeover, no matter what decades of romantic comedies have taught us. However, this is one problem where a quick trip to the coiffeur can be just the shake-up and boost to your self esteem that you need.
When Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
Because there seems to be just as much hair on the floor (and the couch, and your clothing, and your car, and your desk chair and, barf, in your food) as there is on your head and you just can't understand how that's scientifically possible.
When You're Trying To See The Bright Side
And, bonus, your hair doesn't need to go for walks, eat, or be taken to the vet. It may require a lot of grooming, but otherwise it's super low-maintenance.
When The Universe Is Cruel
I mean, this is absurd. You want my hair, you can have my hair, but let's talk about which hairs you can have. Tell you what: I will give you my extra eyebrow hair, plus all the hair under my arms and on my legs. In exchange, you need to stop taking all my scalp hairs. I like those just where they are. Anything on the face or below the neck, however, is negotiable.
When You're Pissed, Reminisce
It's another cruel twist of fate, pregnancy gives you months of the most luxurious, thick, healthy hair you've ever had... only to rip it away as soon as that baby slithers out of your womb. When you're feeling down, there's nothing wrong with looking fondly back to a time when you had it all.
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