Orgasms doesn't always have to be the goal of sex, but they're certainly a nice bonus. Unfortunately, having an orgasm during sex can be more complicated than just whether or not you actually get there. Sometimes, for instance, there may be things your partner does that keep you from orgasming.
It may not be anyone's favorite thing to admit, but a sexual partner doesn't always know your body best. Good sex takes good communication, which can sometimes be difficult to perfect. It's not that they necessarily mean to keep you from orgasming. Heck, that's probably the last thing they want. Sometimes a person forms a habit in the bedroom that has worked for past partners, but simply doesn't work for you. It happens and, unfortunately, can be difficult to discuss. It can be tricky to be honest about your needs (and their lack of fulfilling them) without hurting their ego or feelings.
To help you figure out how to get on the same page when it comes to your orgasm, here are 11 ways that your partner may actually be keeping you from achieving the Big O, and how you can change course to help him or her get you there.
1. They Skip The Foreplay
According to Your Tango, one of the biggest skipping foreplay is a major (and common) mistake a person can make in bed. Most women enjoy the touch and anticipation associated with foreplay. Not to mention when a partner takes their time to get to your clitoris, you're more likely to reach orgasm at the same time.
2. They Simply Aren't "Clitorate"
According to Salon, some people simply don't know where the clitoris is or why it is important that they focus on it. One thing that may help is to talk about your turn-ons and turn-offs, and to known yourself well enough so that you can use positive reinforcement to tell your partner what to do and how to get you off.
3. They Are Too Focused On Your Orgasm
According Redbook, it's actually possible that your partner being too focused on your orgasm is a mistake. A person's focus on their partner's sexual response and their desire to get them to the Big O can make them forget that you enjoy the journey in getting there. To steer them in the right direction, start off slow by emphasizing how much you enjoy the process of feeling each other's body and, well, that there's no rush.
4. They Don't Make Things Naughty Enough
According to the website for The Today Show, assuming your partner only wants romance can be a huge bedroom mistake. It's nice when they want to put a romantic spin on the evening, but you may need something more to reach orgasm. Keep the lights on in the bedroom, encourage the dirty talk, and maybe then your lover will get the hint.
5. They Think Faster And Harder Will Work
When your partner finds a move or technique that works, they might assume that more is better and will get you to orgasm faster, according to the aforementioned Redbook article. But that's not so for all women. Women's bodies are sensitive in different ways, so doing it faster and harder simply isn't for everyone. A way to combat this is to establish a pleasure scale before you get into bed. That way, if they are at a five and you'd like him or her to get to an eight with more intensity, you can easily let them know without ruining the moment by just saying "speed up."
6. They Treat Your Clitoris Like A Penis
According to the aforementioned Your Tango article, your partner may be treating your clitoris as if it were a penis, which can be a problem. A woman's body is different, and requires a different kind of touch. Not every woman can have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse, so having them focus on clitoral stimulation and figuring out what works for you (and what doesn't) is the key to a satisfying orgasm.
7. They Cum Too Fast
You've probably heard a million jokes about the guy that cums too fast, but according to the previously mentioned Salon article, this is an actual problem when it comes to reaching your own orgasm. Masturbation can actually help here, since men can use exercises like "stop-start" to learn to control their release times. If your partner can learn to calm themselves down, then they can take more time to help you reach your own orgasm before they reaches theirs.
8. They Lose The Rhythm
According to the aforementioned Redbook article, a partner losing their rhythm or changing techniques as you start to climax can be a huge sex mistake. You might slide right to the bottom again, and it'll feel as if you are starting all over. Most women need consistent, repetitive stimulation to orgasm, so you shouldn't hesitate to vocalize if you need them to keep doing exactly what they're doing in order to get you there.
9. They Treat It Like A Porno
Men can make the mistake of thinking that porn sex is like real sex, according to The Today Show. It can actually be a turn-off if they doesn't take the time to work out what a woman needs to get turned on, so make sure to communicate to your partner about your needs.
10. They Don't Let You Lead
According to the previously mentioned Your Tango article, your partner may slip by only having sex the way they like it. It's true that men tend to take the lead in most sexual encounters, but what if you actually want to initiate and take the lead this time? Women have their own preferences, so it's important for you to speak up and emphasize that you enjoy leading sex once in a while (or all of the time, even) before you get into the bedroom. Let your partner know that it's your show too, and you want to run it.
11. They Get Offended
Perhaps the worst offense your partner can make is to take it personally when you speak up or try to redirect them during sex, according to the aforementioned Redbook article. There is absolutely no reason to get upset if you move their hand or ask them to change techniques and, if they does, you should explain to them that it's not criticism but rather you showing them what you like so that you can both reach orgasm. A subtle reminder that they're not doing it all wrong and that you just want to maximize both of your enjoyment can go a long way, too.