If you have a kid who's potty trained, it's happened to you at least once (although I'm guessing it actually happens more like 98% of the time): You find yourself standing or sitting in the bathroom, across from your child, as they poop. Life truly doesn't get much better. OK, but seriously, pooping when you have a kid is a bit of a special experience.
Why, exactly? I guess because as adults, we typically treat the whole "elimination" process as a private thing. You don't poop while staring into someone else's eyes. That would be weird and kind of disgusting, right? No, you poop in the privacy of your home, or in a stall with a door, in public.
Kids, though, have none of that feeling of disgust or shame when sharing bodily functions. I love that about kids, because shame is kind of a bullshit thing to feel pretty much ever, and we should be doing all we can to create an environment at home where shame doesn't exist. But attempting to do so certainly creates some interesting experiences. Namely, teaching our kids to not be ashamed of their poop can often mean that they are way too casual about it. Like, they want company. Pooping is totally acceptable hang-out time for kids, especially in the days right after they get potty trained. I mean, you needed to be in there with them in the beginning, so they got used to it — why should you leave now? Annnnd suddenly, your kid thinks bathroom trips are a fun family affair.
Whenever I'm the one who gets to witness the poop (and let's face it: I'm home more, so it's pretty much always me) I feel like it's only fair to share what I'm going through with my partner. Here are 12 texts I've sent him while my kid is pooping on the toilet and I was forced to bear witness to it:
No, But Really
Seriously, her timing is impeccable.
This Is Getting Too Real
Especially if I have to do the moves.
I Am Wasting So Many Minutes Of My Life
Is my kid the only one who does this?
You Don't Need To Tell Me
Gotta do what you gotta do.
When You're Taking Bets On How Long The Kid Will Go Between Claiming It's Poop Time
HA! So there.
Stop Making It Weird, Kid
I'll never get used to this, and I'll never not want to make a joke or laugh, in order to ease the intensity of her gaze.
I. can't. look. away.
I Don't Even Remember Real Life Anymore
It's the longest 45 seconds of my life.
It's Almost As Bad As Changing A Diaper (Almost)
Toilet paper is such bullshit for wiping kids' butts.
This Is Not OK
I hate you so much right now, honey.
I Mean, It's Good To Be Good At Things
Poops are totally something we should be proud of. I mean, am I right? I'm totally right.