When I first gave birth, my son had this infuriating trick he'd do, where he'd latch on perfectly whenever my midwives or his pediatrician were around to see, yet do the exact opposite when there wasn't anyone around to help me troubleshoot. At five days in, I'd had enough, so I found a lactation consultant and it was one of the best choices I ever made. She showed me some tricks, and answered my questions — at least, the ones I actually dared to ask. Of course, there are certain inappropriate questions every mom wishes she could ask a lactation consultant, but doesn't.
By "every mom," it's entirely possible that I just mean me. Either way, when you actually get the chance to talk to a person who's a certified expert in breasts, questions come up, you know? Like, "Why do men have nipples? Could my husband be doing some of this?" or, “Where is the secret stash of nursing bras that actually fit, aren’t fugly, and don’t cost eleventy billion dollars because I know you know the answer or so I desperately hope.”
For real: meeting with a lactation consultant is super helpful, so if you have a real but kinda awkward question, don’t be shy; make the most of your opportunity to talk to an expert. But also, don’t feel too weird if anything like the following questions crosses your mind. Then again, maybe such things would never occur to you because you're normal and I'm the only one who wonders weird things during appointments. Whatever, internet, you can judge me when you stop Googling wild sh*t when you think nobody's paying attention.