13 Jobs My Children Will Probably Have One Day Based On What They're Doing Now

Sometimes, as I gaze upon my son and daughter, I can't help but wonder what the future holds for them in the career department. "What are you going to be like?" I think to myself. "What are you going to be?" I can see them going in so many different directions, honestly. Like, my son is charismatic and determined, so is he going to start an NGO... or a cult? You never really know how a kid is destined to turn out, but here are some jobs my children might have one day based on current observations.

While I try to stay in the present with my kids, and not to push them in any particular direction based on my perceptions of who they are, sometimes a mama can't help but wonder. And who knows, right? Even if the fundamental aspects of children basically stay the same from the time they're born, they change so much even from one week to the next. I could possibly have an entirely different list for y'all in another few months. Still, it's fun to daydream. And while staying in the present is generally the best way to go about parenting, sometimes you have to think ahead as a matter of self preservation. Like when your kid has pooped next to the potty... again... you have to think about a future where this won't be your life. You have to have faith that this is all going to work out.

Here are some career options I could see working out for my children.


"Naturalist" Advocate

Yeah, they're a couple of little nudists and while they respect the idea that clothing is mandatory out in public or when we have guests in our home they still don't understand why and they're very open about the idea that they don't think it makes a lot of sense.

And, TBH, it really doesn't, wather permitting. So I wouldn't be shocked if they turned this hippie-dippie, hyperlogical philosophy into a profession one day.


Food Critic

"This is yucky!"

"I don't want that!"

"This cracker is broken!"

"This ice cream is delicious."

"Your kale looks disgusting."

"Why doesn't this restaurant have french fries?"

Basically every meal is a new review which is not only annoying but low-key spirit-crushing, seeing as I'm the one who prepared about 90 percent of those meals. Hopefully one day they will do this to some other poor schlub and it will pay their bills.


Two-Person SWAT Team

Like a SWAT team, my children are excellent at bursting through closed doors and catching me unawares. They're especially good at this in the morning, the earlier the better. They're also very good at getting annoyed with me for not answering a question they asked me when I was asleep. Because how dare I?



I'm glad to have children who feel confident in questioning authority, because I think that's a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives... but I wish they didn't always question my authority. And sometimes I'm down with it: I can negotiate on a lot of things and I think that's normal and healthy and also a good life skill to learn and have. But things like "You have to brush your teeth every day" are a bit more set in stone, and for good reason.

These good reasons, which I've articulated many times, do not stop my children from constantly questioning them or throwing down some good old-fashioned sit-ins and acts of civil disobedience.


Police Informant

The tattling. The tattling. OMG, it's useful when I need to know what happened but, like, sometimes, I really don't give a f*ck what happened. You two deal with this on your own and leave me alone.



I'm not sure with this one, because it was a phase, but "drawing on the walls" seemed to be a favorite for a while and, like, there's a future in that. They could be little Mini Banksys maybe and troll the art world incognito for years, which would make the effort of painting and repainting my poor walls worth it.



The drama is through the damn roof around here. I will be shocked, shocked, if one of them is not landing the lead in all the school plays at some point. And, like, I get it. I'm an extremely extra person myself, so it's the whole "I learned it by watching you!" phenomenon, which is fine, but... it's a lot. You should see my son trying to convince me that his sister hurt him when I know she did nothing of the sort.



"Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "When?" "How?" "What's that?" "What's that?" "Who's that?" "What did he say?" "What are you eating?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"

*my head explodes*


Style Icon

When they choose to be clothed, both my kids are far better dressers than I am. And I would take all the credit as the person who buys their clothes, but they take an active role in choosing what we get and, moreover, picking their outfits. There have been several times when I lay out something for them to wear and then they pick something else and I'm like "Oh damn that is so much better. Well done."


Documentary Narrator

Because they tell me everything they're doing. Every aspect of Minecraft is gone over in detail. I know the genealogy of every single one of my daughter's stuffed animals. They basically recite episodes of their favorite shows to me after they've watched them. So... maybe future David Attenboroughs? I wouldn't be mad about it. Hopefully they'll develop some sort of charming but commanding narrator voice.



Because I don't know where they come up with half their stories, either the ones they concoct for their toys or the ones they tell me and think I'll believe, but they. are. fascinating.



This is especially for my fastidious and precise son, who has a vision for the way the world should be and expects all his actors (which is to say anyone in his general vicinity, usually his little sister) to behave in a way that contributes to said vision.

He's "bossy," is what I'm saying. It's a great skill for a director.


Motivational Speaker

Because they're the sweetest, most encouraging kids who frequently say things like "Good job, mommy" or "It's OK, just do your best." And that's amazing and everyone should know that kind of positive energy.