Of the seemingly infinite changes that befall a new mom's body after childbirth, what happens to your breasts after having a baby is simultaneously sometimes the most fun, sometimes the most painful, and almost always the strangest. And unless they've had a baby too, it's doubtful that your partner will be able to sympathize or relate. So naturally, we end up texting our BFFs about it all, because that's what they're there for, to listen to us talk in painful detail about our bodies and all the weird shit they're doing (among so many other things, but obviously this too).
Personally, I have always been on the larger end of the boob spectrum (sometimes being in a bit of denial as to how large, in fact), so when my milk came in, it was kind of shocking. I had told my husband that breastfeeding would likely dramatically alter my once-perky breasts (I was trying hard to prepare myself to love my body no matter how pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding changed it, but the trepidation was real, guys), so he needed to be prepared for the "inevitable flattening and sinking into oblivion" that I had been warned about from other moms. It was probably a month after our baby was born when he looked at me and said, "They're still looking good to me!" And I laughed.
So naturally, I told my best friend and we laughed together at his sweet naïvety: How insane was he to think that anything about my boobs was the same? Because yeah, they were still awesome (maybe/definitely even more awesome, actually) but there was so much going on with my breasts, and I felt like only my best friend really got what I was talking about. And that wasn't the last post-baby boob text I sent her. Here are 13 other texts you may find yourself sending your BFF about your mammary journey during new motherhood:
"Oh Wow, I Have Porn Star Boobs!"
This is 100% the coolest part about your milk coming in, but the novelty only lasts for about an hour. Then it starts to feel a little foreign (and then later, totally normal).
"Seriously, They Look Fake..."
The more you look at them, the stranger they seem.
"Is It Normal For Them To Be So HARD??"
And then you touch them and oh my god this isn't normal. But your BFF will assure you that it totally is, and they will be right.
"Shards Of Glass. My Nipple Contains Actual Shards Of Glass."
Annnnd the baby is trying to suck the shard of glass out. Through my nipple. Gahhh.
"Please Tell Me It Starts To Hurt Less Soon"
It gets better. I promise. Whether your BFF has been there herself, or is simply Googling other people's experiences (which, yes, you could do yourself but who needs to when you have a best friend to freak out to instead?), she'll assure that it's gonna get better.
"I Know The Doctor Said To Use [Whatever Ointment], But What Did YOU Use?"
Is it entirely logical or even advisable to listen to your best friend over your doctor, but when it comes to your boobs, you still might.
"Ah! I'm Empty!"
Talk me down, girl. Talk. me. down.
"My Partner Will Never Touch These Boobs Again"
"Honestly, I can't even remember what it's like to use my boobs for recreational purposes." (Spoiler: You'll probably remember at some point.)
"Ugh, I Can't Believe People Look At Boobs Sexually Now!"
I mean, these suckers are here to nourish and provide sustenance, not to be leered at!
"Do Cabbage Leaves Actually Work?"
Because you can't trust the Internet, and clearly your go-to girl will know.
"That Kid Is STILL Sleeping And My Boobs Are Going To Explode!"
The absolute worst.
"I Feel Like A Cow :("
Maybe you're pumping, or maybe your little angel has been cluster feeding. Either way, your BFF gets it (or maybe she doesn't, but she'll at least listen and pretend to and text you back in a timely manner).
"Someone Just Pointed Out The Wet Marks On The Front Of My Shirt. One Guess What Just Happened."
Because there's really only one person you can text when you need someone to bring you a dry shirt to the DMV.