13 Things Exhausted New Moms Say, And What They Really Mean
New moms have a ton going on. We're dealing with their own needs (looking at you, stitches in places we can't see without using yoga moves and a mirror), as well as taking care of an adorable but 100-percent-reliant-on-them little person. With so much mental energy going towards all of that, we don't have a ton left over to explain our every thought to those around us. Wouldn't it be nice if your partner, the baby's caregiver or your co-parent just knew what you meant without you having to spell it out? If there was a translator for every exhausted reply a mom tosses off at those silly enough to inquire about her wellbeing?
We thought so, which is why we've broken down some common mom phrases so everyone can be on the same page. You know how it is when you've been nursing for four hours straight and your partner takes a seat next to you with a sparkling glass of ice water and you utter a parched, "Is that for you?"
To the unsuspecting partner, this is a straightforward question. "Why yes!" They reply as they take a dainty sip.
What you meant, of course, was "Good grief give me that water or I might turn into copper sulfate crystals."
With this handy tool, you can just hand them your phone, then go relax on the couch like the queen you are until they come in to kneel by your side and say, "I get it now."
1. I'm thirsty.
Translation: This tiny nursling has sucked the actual marrow out of my bones and/or please bring me an egg nog.
2. I forgot the diaper bag.
Translation: Turn the car around. We have 10 seconds before this diaper self-destructs.
3. I just fed him.
Translation: Either find some formula or Google "how to lactate" because this kid's got an appetite and these boobs are out of commission.
4. I'm tired.
Translation: There are nine levels of exhaustion, and then there is me.
5. Yes, I had coffee.
Translation: Somewhere in this house is a mug of abandoned java that I vaguely remember taking a sip of between feedings.
6. I just changed him.
Translation: The odds that of Justin and Selena being back together and this diaper being dirty are the same.
7. She went down for nap easily.
Translation: I only had to pace around the house for two miles instead of the typical three today before she drifted off.
8. I need to shower.
Translation: I'm desperate for a few minutes of body autonomy/I can't tell if my neck is tan or just caked in dead skin cells, please hold the tiny human so I can find out.
9. Look he's smiling at you!
Translation: Please take this human barnacle from my hip and attach it to your own for a while.
10. I'm hungry.
I need to eat something that isn't shaped like a fish or pureed and soon —otherwise I'm going to pass out.
11. He's teething.
Translation: I'm not sure which one of us has cried more today, me or the baby. Please order take-out.
12. Could you check on the baby?
Translation: If I have to get out of this bed one more time tonight I may grab the razor on my way back and shave your eyebrows off while you sleep, so consider taking a turn when the monitor goes off.
13. We're having a good day.
Translation: She's still wearing the onesie I put her in this morning, so I'm calling it a win.