14 Things A Wedding Announcement Would Say If It Was Completely Honest

There has been much ink spilled, including across the feminist blogosphere, about weddings. Are they an unnecessary, harmful tool of the capitalist patriarchy? Are they a fun way to express your love to your community? Honestly, the jury seems to be out and I doubt we're going to get an answer any time soon, so I suggest everyone follow the rule of "you do you" and we'll reconvene upon reaching a consensus (which will be, you know, never). When it comes to how we announce weddings, well, if wedding announcements were completely honest they would look pretty different, regardless of how any of us ultimately feel about the ceremonies themselves.

Now here's my necessary disclosure: not all weddings (or couples) are the same. Some weddings are small courthouse or backyard affairs. Some include a camera crew filming the couple and their guests for the next episode of Big Fat $5,000,000 Weddings of Orange County. There's no wrong way to wedding. However, when all is said and done, wedding announcements all look pretty much the same. They tend to cover where the bride and groom met, who was with them, where they got married, and so on and so forth. If it's a fancy announcement it might have some more sweet details about the happy day. The more annoying aspects of weddings and marriage are never spelled out, which is fine, but a little wedding realness, perhaps, could help out a lot of spouses to be.

So, the following is just one example of what a more realistic wedding announcement could include for a particular kind of wedding. Feel free to pen your own as it pertains to your unique circumstances and experiences, but I know this will look a little familiar to many former brides and grooms I've known.

The Bride And Groom Are Vague About How They Met Because It Was Via A Hasty Hook Up At A College Party

It's not that they're ashamed perse. It's just that it's sort of mundane and unromantic and doesn't really go over well with the older, stodgier, more judgmental relatives. So a rushed, "We met at a party in college" is about all you're going to get in mixed company.

Everyone Was Slightly Annoyed That The Processional Music Was Pachelbel's Canon In D Because OMG, People, There Are Other Songs

The happy couple stands by their choice. "It's a classic for a reason," says the groom. "She loves German Baroque."

"I really do," the bride confirmed. "We were initially going to go with something by Bach, but Pachelbel just felt right."

The Mother Of The Groom Claims She Didn't Mean Anything By Wearing A Full-Length White Gown, But She Knows Exactly What She Did

You know what, Judy? Everyone thought it was weird. In a best case scenario it made it look like you couldn't stand not to be the center of attention and at worst it made it look like you wanted to marry your own son. That's some Game of Thrones level creepiness, girl.

As Soon As The Reception Started, The Bride Wondered How She Could Ever Care Enough About Chair Covers To Have Spent Days Of Her Life Worrying About Them

And not just the chair covers (which were lovely, by the way), but every little detail that she put way too much time and energy into over the course of wedding planning. In the moment, she realized, it was just a big fun party with a bunch of people she loved. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for the fanaticism of her past self, she shrugged and kept dancing.

That Speech Given By An Obviously Tipsy Uncle Was Not Planned And While Everyone Is Being Politely Forgiving Now, It Will Come Up At Thanksgiving

Damnit, Larry...

The Bride And Groom Recognize, Now, That Their Use Of Twinkle Lights And Mason Jars Was Not Unique

Just like the chair covers, it's really just not a big deal right now. Besides, they looked really cute! "It lent the room an air of folksy whimsy," said the bride. And, the groom points out, one day their future kids will see pictures of their wedding and describe it as "Classic 2010s." "That's kind of funny."

The Groom Showed A Lot Of Class When The Grandmother Of The Bride Called Him By Her Ex's Name And He Didn't Get Pissy

"I haven't even dated him in, like, nine years," said the bride, then turned to her new husband. "Again, I'm so, so sorry."

"It's OK," replied the groom with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"She's just old and gets confused," the bride continued.

"I'm sure that's all it was. Just an innocent slip of the tongue." He narrowed his eyes and stared into the distance.

Jennifer, The Bridesmaid With The Wavy Brown Hair, Was A Real Pill About Literally Everything, Despite Only Being A Bridesmaid Because She Passive Aggressively Begged For Months, And The Couple Hopes Only To See Her At Holidays And Funerals After This

"F**k Jennifer," the couple said in unison.

"She's seriously the worst. Like, on every possible level."

"I can't believe I'm related to her," said the groom, shaking his head.

If One More Narrow-Minded Relative Asked The Bride Why She's Not Taking Her New Husband's Name She Was Going To Lose It

"Because I see no reason to change it," growled the bride. "My name has worked for me for 28 years and I see no point in changing it now. It's not like it makes us un-married."

"For real," the groom agreed. "It's not a big deal."

The Chocolate Fountain Was Super Messy And Not Worth It

Guests agree that after a while it looked like a port-o-potty exploded in the middle of the reception hall. There's no graceful way to go about using a chocolate fountain: the table winds up a damn mess and everyone runs a real risk of getting their fancy wedding garments soiled, as was the case with Judy, the mother-of-the-groom, who began sobbing about how her special day was ruined.

The Couple Wants Everyone At Aunt Melody's Table To Know That They're Very, Very Sorry You Had To Sit With Aunt Melody

The good news is, while Aunt Melody's particular brand of awful (which often comes in the form of telling strangers about the gritty details of her various medical conditions and trying to play matchmaker when she's just met you), everybody has "an Aunt Melody," so they kind of know what they're in for. No one holds this necessary inconvenience against the bride and groom.

The Cake Was Absolutely Beautiful, But Tasted Mediocre At Best

What demon from the depths of hell invented fondant? Who wants to eat fondant? No one.

Whenever Someone Spoke To The Groom Suggestively About The Honeymoon, He Wanted To Say "You Know We've Had Sex Before, Right?"

"It was consistently off-putting," said the groom. "And, like, weird they were acting like I was just suffering through a wedding so I could go on a honeymoon and bang my wife. For one, I wanted a wedding. I planned it right alongside my fiancee. For another: we've been together for seven years. We've definitely 'done it.' Chill, dudes."

Everyone Is Happy This Is Over

Not only because weddings can be stressful, but the couple is delighted to finally be married after so much preparation.

"Marriage isn't a necessary demonstration of love or commitment," said the bride. "Marriage only matters insofar as it matters to each couple."

"But it mattered to us," the groom continued, "and we're really happy we're finally here."