It's true that you simply don't know what you haven't lived, and when you are child-free, there are a lot of things you don't know about the lives and practicalities of those of us with children. That is completely understandable and nothing any of us would ever judge you for. But sometimes, we might giggle about it a little bit, and I'd like to explain that, because I don't want you to feel like we're being smug.
I promise, we're not laughing at you, not by a long shot (well, at least not all the time). It's more like we're laughing at the younger versions of ourselves who also didn't know these things. Because now we know them. We live, breathe, and eat this parenting stuff, and it's actually, like, actually funny to think about how much our lives have changed. Of course, then there are those people who are not only child-free, but lack any semblance of common sense. Those are the people we are going to LOL about here today.
I reached out to a bunch of momfriends (colleagues, relatives, friends, and assorted members of my beloved Mom Coven) to ask them the craziest thing a child-free friend ever asked them about pregnancy, babies, children, or parenthood. Their answers are something, parent or non-parent, I think we can all chuckle over.
Giving "Mother's Intuition" A Little Too Much Credit
'Did you feel conception?'
Productivity After Reproduction
When my first son was a few weeks old, a colleague of mine visited while I was on maternity leave and asked if I was writing that novel I'd always wanted to tackle but never had the time for.
The Car Seat Crusaders Would Have A Field Day With This One
'Can't we all just take one car? You can just hold [your newborn], right?'
All Babies Are Basically The Same, Right?
Right after my son was born, my husband's fellow Marines came to visit us in the hospital. One of the boys, he was around 18 or 19, asked if he could hold him and I agreed. My son was sleeping, and the kid asked 'Has he opened his eyes yet? Do they open right away?' I laughed and said 'He's not a puppy, he's sleeping!' We all had a good laugh at his expense.
'Do you always use a wipe when changing her?'
I Think You're Confusing Pregnancy With Dysentery
'Pregnancy causes diarrhea for nine months, right?'
How About We Try A Lullaby First?
When my daughter was little and all she'd do was scream, my best friend asked me 'Can't we just give her NyQuil so she falls asleep?'
Let Me Double Check...
'Are you sure he's a boy? He's too pretty to be a boy.'
'Aren't you scared? You're going to have to push this baby out! I'd be terrified!' Which wasn't insane, really, but really mean!
You're Done With Those, Right?
'Can I have your old clothes?'
Encouraging Healthy Eating Habits
When my son was two weeks old, I took him to a restaurant. The hostess looked at him in his little carrier and asked if he needed a children's menu.
But Kids Love Music!
Someone, just a couple months ago, invited me to a punk show on a weeknight. I said I couldn't because my husband wouldn't be home in time to watch my son. He was like 'Can't you just bring him?' He's 6. The band went on at 10. On a school night.
My Living Room Is Practically A Spa
My favorite is when people ask me what I do all day. As a work-at-home-mom, it's hilarious when people assume my job is relaxing.
Just Like Sleeping In On A Saturday
I had a high-risk pregnancy and was on bed rest toward the end. I had a friend (more like a frenemy) say how "it must be so nice to have free time and get to veg out." No. Being on bed rest to make sure you and your unborn baby stay safe and healthy is not free time to veg out.
'Are you going to let me deliver the baby? I've delivered puppies, calves, and pigs!'
A note: This is a friend of mine. Her brother asked her this. Her adult brother. He was serious. He tried to get in the delivery room. This whole thing is, perhaps, the craziest f*cking thing I have ever heard.
Images: ABC; Giphy(13); Tumblr(2)