15 Pathetic Stages Of Shopping Cyber Monday While Trying To Look Like You're Working
Thanksgiving is behind us, we survived Black Friday and we're (reluctantly and probably five awesome, delicious pounds heavier) back at work, which means one thing and one thing only: Cyber Monday is here to ruin all the productive things. The struggle bus is slow enough (what with the lingering trytophan and sudden influx of Holiday cheer) without the pings of tempting Cyber Monday deals attacking our inboxes with reckless abandon and pure vindictiveness. My heart says "buy all the things!" and my bank account says "you're so poor it hurts!"
The holiday season is notorious for its emotionally taxing if not completely sadistic situations, but not much is said about the evil that is Cyber Monday (and by "evil," I mean "the worst thing to happen to my wallet in the best way imaginable"). Honestly, how are we expected to be our best work selves when there are sales to be had and a bunch of (completely necessary, right? I mean, I need this. I so needs this.) stuff to be bought?
So if you're like me and the struggle is more than real today, know that you're not alone. And if you're like me and simple brain function seems impossible today, here are 15 stages that perfectly sum up your "workday," because after a few days off and a bunch of carbs, will power is just hard to come by.
Convincing Yourself You're Going To Be Productive
Oh sweet, sweet naivety, how I adore thee. Putting off the inevitable with tender lies and a subtle refusal to acknowledge reality is what Monday morning is all about.
Checking Your Email
You have 75 unread messages in your inbox and for a moment you think you're super important or at least someone everyone should know. Of course, upon further inspection, you realize 74 of them are sales for cardigans, electronics, and heeled boots that you suddenly aren't sure how you've been living without.
Deleting An Email From Your Favorite Retailer
All of a sudden, you're six years old again, saying goodbye to your first pet goldfish before you flush him down the toilet. Think I'm exaggerating? Think I'm being mildly dramatic? How about you try deleting a 2-for-1 sale on the same oversized sweaters you've been lusting over for at least three weeks. Something inside you dies, you guys. It dies and goes to goldfish heaven, I'm sure of it.
Getting 11 New Emails From Your Favorite Retailer
There's no escaping it. Even if you wanted to work right now, it's damn near impossible to find any work-related emails in this sea of savings flooding your inbox. IT'S BEYOND YOUR CONTROL, DAMNIT.
Deciding To "Just Browse" At Deals
There is no "just browsing" during Cyber Monday. Just like there's no "I'll only spend x amount of money" on Cyber Monday. You are lying to yourself harder than you've ever lied to yourself before.
You See Your Boss Walk Towards You
Just act normal, they have no idea what is going on. I mean, they don't get the same deals sent to their inbox, right? It's like, protected by some kind of "I'm the boss" firewall or something, right? Act. Casual.
Making Your "Pretending To Work" Face
Just stare at your computer screen like you're trying to figure out what the square root of something is, and people will assume you're working on some extremely difficult, completely time-consuming project that needs your undivided attention. Your coworkers will leave you alone, and you're free to add more stuff to your virtual shopping cart.
Seeing Everyone's Social Media Posts About The Deals They Used
You can't even talk, you're so distraught. Some people have all the fun.
Feeling Jealous That Others Have What You Want
Because you had a mandatory morning meeting, you missed out on the 50% off deal for that one thing you've always wanted. Suddenly, you see a friend post on social media, excited about the very same 50% off deal that they were able to take advantage of. Now you realize why roses have thorns. Life just isn't fair.
Panicking Because A Supervisor Just Walked Behind Your Desk
Why do they have to walk all stealth-like? Honestly, their pair of high heels are the only pair of high heels in the entire universe that don't make a sound when they walk. You're starting to think their feet don't actually touch the ground at all.
Caving And Buying Something For Yourself
You need this, if just for the sake of your mental health.
Remembering That You Should Be Buying Presents For Others
The holiday season probably isn't the appropriate time to be buying yourself stuff, instead of, you know, friends and family and loved ones. Small, tiny, insignificant detail, right?
Buying Something For Yourself Anyway
Convincing Yourself This Is A Smart Financial Move
If you skip a meal for the next two weeks and dip into some of your savings and maybe only have Top Ramen for a while, this will all be OK. Yeah, you'll be fine. Totally.
Eating All The Leftover Turkey You Brought From Home So You Can Feel Better About Your Poor Life Decision
Pro Tip: food cures all. Except for that huge pile of work you haven't gotten to at all today.
Images: CBS; Giphy(15)