Texting is undoubtedly everyone’s favorite method of digital communication (aside from vague song lyrics written in teal, used as AIM away messages circa 2002) and it saved my sanity during my first trimester of pregnancy. It allowed me to cryptically message my partner and complain (or rather, update him) about my current state, a necessary part of any pregnant woman’s day. Seriously, the text messages sent during pregnancy often tell a complicated tale of physical and emotional side effects, burgeoning excitement and fear, and obscure food cravings (that I thought I was having, but probably was imagining things because I had actual cravings later in the pregnancy and in the name of all things holy, that was a much more dire situation).
Seriously, if anyone out there is currently pregnant, or planning to become pregnant in the near future, and you do not have an unlimited texting plan, I beg you to reconsider for your sake and the sake of everyone around you. You will use it constantly, not only during every trimester, but likely once your baby arrives, too. Still, it’s especially during the first trimester when your pregnancy is possibly still a secret, and I’m sure you can guess why texting is clutch: No one around you can tell what exactly you’re typing about. Here is just a sampling of the plethora of messages you’ll be sending to your partner along the way:
"How Could You Do This To Me? You Are Never Touching Me Again."
You’d think this one would be limited to prime morning sickness hours, but actually, it’s surprisingly relevant throughout the day.
"I Changed My Mind, I’m Going To Jump You As Soon As I Get Home."
Hormones, you guys. They weren’t on my side during my own pregnancy, but I hear that’s not the case for many other women out there. Get it, ladies.
"My Boss Just Blinked At Me; Do You Think She Knows?"
Shout out to all my fellow women who are horrible at keeping secrets, and to my elementary school friends whom I (accidentally) betrayed constantly. Sorry, all.
"Should We Buy A House To Raise This Child And His Or Her Eight Future Siblings? Do You Think Our 30+ Grandchildren Will Be Intellectuals Or Artists Or Athletes Or All Of The Above Or Something Else Altogether…?"
We've all been there. Just don't be surprised if it takes your partner a minute or two to respond.
"I Think My Elbows Are Swelling. Is That Normal?"
No? Elbows don't swell? What about ears? Also, let's just skip over the fact that we could Google these questions and it would take just as long as texting them to our parters who probably have no idea.
"I Think I Felt A Kick!"
This will be sent approximately 1 trillion times before an actual kick is actually felt. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, so I'm not going to offer any commentary at all here.
"I'M SO EXCITED."
...for this trimester to be over, of course. And also for the birth of our baby. But mostly for the puking to stop.
"Gingr Ale. Pls."
We can't type out whole words when we're asking for this because our heads cannot move from the pillow and we are only able to open our eyes once.
*Silence After They Text You Because You're Sleeping Again*
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
While Online Shopping: "Is $1,200 Too Much For A Rocking Horse? "
It’s a fair question. It’s not like you've bought a lot of rocking horses before.
“My Pants Are Too Tight!”
It’s one of the few times in your life that this might be more exciting than annoying.
When You See Something Disconcerting Online Or In A Book: "I Just Saw That I Need To Go To The Dentist Right Now Or I Will Die"
Followed immediately by: “Oh god, do we even have a dentist?”
“OMG I Locked My Keys In The Car I Can’t Do Anything Right. I’m Going To Be The Worst Mom Ever And Our Baby Will Hate Me.”
Real talk: I don't know any moms who didn't have freak-outs during their pregnancy. It's just part of the deal.
"Oh Wait, They Were in My Purse, Everything’s Fine. I'm Going To Be An Awesome Mom!"
Don't worry. Nothing to see here. Just a pregnant lady recovering from a meltdown. Let's move along, people.
"What About "South East" As A Name? That’s Not Too On-Trend Is It?"
This one gets especially fun when you and your partner are so tired of names that you start bouncing ridiculous ones off of one another, but they can't tell if you're joking or not, because texts.
"Crazy Thought: What About Our Two Pairs Of Big Shoes And Then A Tiny Pair Of Shoes In Between Them?"
Oh, they're not feeling the shoes? What about posting a sonogram? Have you thought about that? Innovative stuff here.
"I Miss All The Good Cheese."
The good news is, all the forbidden cheeses will be there for you in a few months, and some of them, if aged properly, might taste even better then.
“I Can’t Believe This Is Happening.”
This one struck me all the time, especially when I would look at labels and realize there are LOT of warnings out there for pregnant women that I never noticed before. Funny how that happens.
When You're Just Trying To Put One Foot In Front Of The Other: "I'm So Tired. Being Awake And With Child Is Impossible."
*Cue partner telling you how worth it this will all be*