Black Friday is at once both odious and wonderful. It's not a holiday, but a bloodsport that we have all agreed to play without knowing what the rules are. It's so bad and wonderful, you really must document it, and while finding the best Instagram captions for Black Friday seems like a breeze, it's harder than you think. (Partly because your brain is full of deals and chasing the woman who got the last doorbuster.)
Thankfully, I write for a living, so I can give you a cheat sheet that will work for your pictures of lines at Target, for the loot you've purchased, and for the inevitable picture of people who (probably wisely) decided to stay at home instead. As for me, I'll be working on Black Friday, so you know I'm gramming the heck out of that.
For that pic of the dude shopping with his poodle wearing a green mankini, or the picture of the fight that broke out in the food court after someone cut in line at the hibachi place after 16 samples, these captions are for you. They are not, however, for the person who took 16 samples because that is not how this works. Protocol dictates that you take one sample, pretend to consider getting the orange chicken, and then walk to grilled cheese place and spend too much money on bad poutine. And then you make a post with these captions:
1. Truth Bomb
I'm gramming this because we are required by unwritten law to feed data into the machine so that next year Black Friday will be even more bananas. #YoureWelcomeBigBrother #IAlwaysFeelLikeSomebodysWatchingMe #BlackFriday
2. She Did Not Do That.
Happy Holidays to every person shopping on Black Friday except for that one jerk who filled her entire cart with the LOL Suprise Kits, leaving none for the people behind her. You can go sit on a porcupine. #LOLBadSurprise #TheSurpriseIsThatITookOneFromYourCartWhenYouWerentLooking
3. We Are All Hypocrites
Me on Monday: "We live in a Capitalist hellscape that places an overabundance of meaning on the dollars we spend. We need to seize the means of production and fight back.
Me on Black Friday: "GET OUT OF MY WAY, LINDA. That $300 flat screen is mine!" #hypocrite #WithAShinyNewTV
4. But Why?
I might still be tipsy from Thanksgiving, but I have an iPhone, an Uber app, and a shopping list. What could possibly go wrong? #WhyDidIBuyABreadMachine #ChallahAtMe
5. Deep Cut
Did I leave work early to go shopping? Yes. Did I spend an entire paycheck on air fryers and shoes? Also yes. Do I regret it? Again, yes. #IDidABadThing #BlackFriday
I've packed three turkey sandwiches, an entire sweet potato pie, and a gallon of water. I'm ready for either the apocalypse or #BlackFriday.
7. There's Always That One Guy
There is a guy dressed up as Santa shopping at Publix. If he doesn't come out of the store with a cart full of cookies, I'm going to have to call him out as fake. #BecausePublixCookies #ChocolateChipOrDie #BadSanta
8. Who's With Me?
I'm covered in sweat, I feel like I just ran a marathon, everything hurts and I'm dying. Did I just give birth? No. I went to Target on Black Friday. #BadDecisions #GotThatMixerThough
9. It Happens
That thing where you let your tween walk around the mall by themselves on #BlackFriday so you can shop for them, and they go into Spencer's Gifts. #AwkwardQuestions #IThinkHeJustMadeAPenisJoke #OddlyProud
10. When The Food Court Is Full
Yes Chad, I am standing over the table you look like you're about to leave. Look around, Chad. See any other tables, Chad? Don't pretend you didn't do this to get this table before me, Chad. #TableStalker
I'm just out here, minding my own business at work, and I am assaulted with Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" on a loop. All day. Must be an empty office. #BlackFriday #ItWasMe #IWasPlayingIt
12. Don't Be Suspicious
I am in my finest Black Friday camouflage: yoga pants, oversized sweatshirt from college, Ugg boots, and I have a Starbucks cup. My husband won't be able to see me in Macy's while I buy him the same cologne I buy him every year. He's going to be so surprised. #BlackFriday
13. Every Year
I always know what I'm getting for Christmas because my husband and I share an Amazon account, and that man is not crafty. I am super good at acting surprised. #BlackFriday #ImGettingAHeatedBlanket #100PercentUsingBeforeChristmas #TwoDayShipping
14. Don't Question It
Shopping the outdoor outlet mall in Upstate New York in November at Zero Dark? Awesome idea. Sign me up. #50percentOffUggs #WorthIt
16. When Your Wife Sees You Sneaking Out Of Bed
I can't help it, babe. I need to get the best deal, and if that means shopping online when everyone else is asleep, so help me, I'll do it. #BlackFriday
17. When You Skip It
I don't know why y'all think that deals on flat screens are worth it, but I'm going to go with capitalist conditioning. #OrImJustLazy #AndAlreadyHaveATV #BlackFriday
18. When You're Done
It's beginning to look a lot like "screw this," I'm done with the mall. And the germs it's full of. #Nope #BlackFriday
19. The Dangers Of Convenience
Apple pay is not doing good things for me on #BlackFriday. In fact, I think I might have to lock my phone up. #tooEasy
20. You're Smug
That look on your face when you get the last $40 leather jacket at the department store, and all the jealous shoppers stare at you like you called their mother a dirty word. #SmugAF #BlackFriday