Turkey Day is nearly upon us, and people across the nation have their turkey-eating pants ready — or perhaps not, if their critical mother-in-law is particularly sensitive to them showing up for supper in maternity-wear. For many families, Thanksgiving is a treasured time to make hand-turkeys, glue things onto pine cones, and eat heaping amounts of mashed potato in service of "the lactation benefits." But for some of us, the familial arrangements — if beautiful! — can bring with them a dose of sass. And in fairness, it is the right of the Thanksgiving host to subject their guests to their particular brand of yams, stuffing, and humor. If you're feeling a little rih! rih! rih! about the prospect of being ambushed, here's a list of questions you can anticipate your mother-in-law* asking on Thanksgiving Day, and possible ways to answer.
How much weight have you lost?
I believe I've actually managed to gain weight since my last postpartum checkup. Thank you for asking!
Can I get you seconds?
I might die if I eat any more mustard-dressed-Brussel sprouts... but sure.
Why aren't you having seconds?
I was — you’re asking why I’m not having thirds.
Could you bring a dish that doesn’t need heating up, seasoning, or space on the table?
Sure! How about I just bring a packet of seaweed snacks?
Remember how you wanted to call your baby Bear?
Don't threaten me, Susan, or I'll call my next kid Bear — it's still on my baby-name list!
How is [workout you started and abandoned a year ago] going?
*lifting your baby up and down in the air* This is my workout now, Suse.
How come you listed your kids before your husband when giving thanks?Your marriage is the ark that carries them. Always put your marriage first!
How come you listed your husband before your kids when giving thanks? These are your flesh and blood! Your husband is just some guy you met at trivia night. Always put your kids first!
Why would you make it from scratch when there are perfectly good pie crusts you just take out of the box!
I don't know, I guess touching butter is my ASMR.
Why would you use a frozen pie crust, you might as well just buy a store bought pie at that point.
Why does anyone do anything? Why do you buy wine at Costco?
Where are you getting your tree this year?
[Name of place.]
Why aren’t you getting it at [identical tree farm an hour further]?
I guess we could do that. You know, for the memories.
How come we aren’t on your holiday card?
Because you didn't fit on Santa's lap.
How can you be vegetarian on Thanksgiving?
I worship the gods of corn.
Why did you do that to your hair?
Correction: my hair did that to me.
How are the hemorrhoids?
*raises glass* A toast to the host!
Did you see what Blake Lively named her daughter?
[Before you can answer]
James, she gave her a boy's name. Why would she do that?
If you think about it, Susan is kind of a man's name. It has a masculine edge to it. Like the name of a Swedish bansaw.
Why don't you take a break! I’ll watch the kids.
[2 minutes later]
Have you got Jimmy? I just caught him Julienning potatoes with the sharp knife. You can’t take your eyes off for even a second.
*Or the troll-y relative of your choice.
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