Courtesy of Candace Ganger

20 Things I Swear My Toddler Has Said

My toddler is the comedic relief I desperately need right before I'm about to lose it. I couldn't make up some of the things he's said, and done, because seriously: he's weird. I don't know if it's part of being a toddler or if he's a natural born entertainer, but some of his one-liners make me literally LOL. Some things I swear my toddler has said, because toddler speak is ridiculous, have taken my mood from total crap to absolutely delightful in a matter of seconds. He's like magic. If it sounds like I'm over-hyping, let me backtrack for a second.

I had my son in October of 2011, after two miscarriages and a slew of infertility issues. We'd already had our daughter in 2006, so my partner and I — emotionally exhausted by this point — were on the brink of throwing in the proverbial towel. Then, I took a pregnancy test and nearly nine months later, this little sweetheart came into the world, breaking hearts and taking names from the very beginning. He and I have always had a close bond that others don't always understand. We're OK with that.

Since his birth, I've tried to keep a file of all the absurd things he's said — just as I did with our daughter when she was a toddler — so that when he's older I can totally bust them out and embarrass him in front of whomever he's dating. That's what parents are for, right? So, with that in mind and because we could all use some comedic relief these days, here are some of those gems, in no particular order.

"I Did Two Poops In A Row, So I Get A New Toy, Right?"

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

Along with potty training, comes bribery. He's lucky he's so cute.

And yes, obviously he got the new toy.

"It's My Turn To Sing Next"

When his big sister had a Christmas recital a couple years back, this little guy dressed in his favorite superhero costume for the big occasion. We didn't realize until the show was over that he thought he was performing, too. His song of choice at the time? "All About That Bass" by Megan Trainor. Proud moment, indeed.

"Can I Say Something Crazy?"

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Me: Uhh, yeah?!

My son: Will you marry me?

Me: Yes.

My son: April Fool's. (Yeah, it wasn't April.)

"I'm Not A Hugger"

More than a few times, my daughter (or any other relative) would go in for a hug to which my son responds with a flat palm out to keep the distance, while simultaneously saying "I'm not a hugger."

"I Just Want To Chop Down Trees"

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

I heard him repeat this phrase from the other side of the house. When I went to check on him he was, in fact, trying to chop down trees. This is the face of a boy who's been told he cannot play with mallets or chop down trees, because I'm a terrible mother.

"You're A Sweet Mom Lady Princess"

My toddler has given me quite a few lovely names in his lifetime, including Sweet Mom Lady Princess. Most days, they aren't as nice. I've been Grampy, Bozo, Bastard, and Feckler (though I'm pretty sure he meant another F Word there).

Side note: I don't know where he gets his mouth

Another side not: he definitely gets his mouth from me.

"Andy Is Coming"

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Shortly after receiving his new costume, he screeched "Andy is coming" repeatedly. I didn't know what he was talking about until I walked in and saw him in complete rag doll positioning.


Another name my toddler son calls me? Babe. However, it was in a whisper and afterwards he looked around and said, "Don't tell anyone I said that."

"I Can Fit My Head In Holes"

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

Can you really, son?

"Your Hair Is All Wrong"

When I cut my hair from mid-length to chin-length, my darling toddler told me my hair was "all wrong" and that I should "fix it immediately."

"Put Your Thumbs Up And It'll Be OK"

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

For about a week, my son's motto, especially when he was having a tough time, was to put one thumb up and everything will work itself out. I tried it. Yeah, he's wrong.

"Not You"

My son: You're pretty.

Me: Aww, thanks!

My son: Not you. Your boobies.

"I'm Bored"

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I thought we were having a moment when my son turned to me and said, "You're cute and beautiful, but I'm bored of your talking." I'm starting to question how he's being raised...

"I Want A Baby Brother Or Sister"

No hesitance. I looked at him and said, "Nope." That was the end of it.

"You Need A Kick In The Real"

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Although I knew what he meant, I'd much rather say it the way he does.

"I'm Going On A Long Journey"

Immediately after proposing to me another time, he followed up with, "If you say yes, I'm going on a long journey." We did not, in fact, get married.

Anything My Toddler Says About The Future

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

My toddler's philosophy on the future: "Next year, when I have kids, I'll have two boys so they're not mean like my sister."

"Have My Strength"

I was particularly down one day when my toddler came up to me, tilted up my chin, and said, "You can have my strength and then you'll be strong." I thought it was wisdom beyond his years, until he followed with a gentle punch to the arm. He meant I could have his physical strength, but whatever. I'll take it.

"Are You My Birth Mother?"

Courtesy of Candace Ganger

Um, yes?

"I'll Just Call You Lisa"

Recently, my toddler (in all his weirdness) decided to start calling me "Lisa." All day he yelled out for "Lisa." By the end of the day, I mentioned that I'm now "Lisa" and he'd forgotten ever saying it. Go figure.