Much like adulting, momming turned out to be way harder than I imagined. Some days, I feel like the only thing I've learned is that it's better to laugh than cry, and that humor is a tonic that can get you through days, months, even years. The newborn phase in particular is a dark comedy of sleep deprivation, body image issues, and fish-out-of-water confusion. If you're snapping photos (and you definitely should be), try one of these 22 funny new mom Instagram captions that perfectly nail your crazy new reality — yoga pants, bleary eyes, messy kitchens, and all.
And if you do share a humorous Instagram photo of the current desperate state of your laundry room and/or kitchen, know that you're doing more than just amusing yourself. To me, one of the best things about the internet is its ability to connect parents with each other so they can laugh, cry, and wonder about the many things they have in common. Isn't it comforting to think that every mom on earth has gone through the same wringer? That every mom has been up weeping at 4 a.m. at some point, or shouted at her partner for no reason, or let the house turn into an almost literal zoo while trying to keep a miniature person alive?
Especially when it comes to things like housework, the best thing you can do is laugh at the absurdity of it all. The proof you're not alone is that other moms will always laugh with you.
1. "Chocolate, please."
Because the fourth trimester means you can still eat for two, even after the baby's born. As many moms will tell you, sugar plus caffeine equals happiness.
2. "In memory ... of when I could sleep in."
You're so tired you're not making any permanent memories right now, and that's OK. Go ahead and give in to the hysterical giggling. It's the best form of catharsis.
Also feel free to try: in memory of ... whatever you miss the most.
3. "Today's goal: keep the tiny humans alive."
When your baby wins an Emmy, you'll think back on these long, difficult days and know it was all worth it. If they don't win an Emmy, it was still (probably) worth it.
4. "My housekeeping style is best described as, 'There appears to have been a struggle.'"
Don't worry. Everyone's been there.
5. "Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy." — Tina Fey
Aww, Tina! But seriously, the magic of being a new mom is that your happiness will almost always ever-so-slightly outweigh the soul-crushing fatigue.
6. "No, it's fine. I'm fine."
You might be saying this a lot.
7. "Friend: Are you getting enough sleep? Me: Sometimes when I sneeze, my eyes close."
When it comes to sleep, you'll take whatever you can get.
8. "Mommin' ain't easy."
Yes, the correct verb is, in fact, mommin'.
9. "Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."
New motherhood means embracing constant, low-key confusion. Ever hear of "fake it till you make it?" Yeah, pretty sure that was invented by a mom.
10. "You know your life has changed when ... going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation."
And the snack aisle is your happy place. Hey, no shame.
11. "If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail and try again."
I don't know why a small, two-second ponytail adjustment can make you feel a thousand times better, I just know that it does. Take a break from trying to stuff your baby into that onesie and breathe.
12. "Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake."
You will sleep one day, but it's impossible to say when.
13. "I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon."
You look cute, though!
14. "My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji."
Embrace chaos sooner rather than later, and I promise you'll feel a whole lot better.
15. "50 Shades Of Dark Circles Under My Eyes."
Whelp, at least you don't need eye liner. Maybe this is the next bestseller?
16. "It's somebody's birthday somewhere."
A perfectly good reason to eat cake — everyday, if you like.
17. "My mother tried to warn me — but I didn't listen."
Motherhood, day four.
18. "Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I put the laundry in the refrigerator."
Hey, at least it's not on the floor.
19. "I hate it when I'm waiting for mom to cook dinner, then I remember that I am the mom."
Responsibility is the worst. On the bright side, you always get to pick what's for dinner (and don't let anyone tell you otherwise). Waffles? Yes, definitely.
20. "Yoga pants. Messy bun. Large coffee. Bring it on."
Whatever it takes to get through the day. Also, the ability to wear workout clothes all day, every day, is a fourth trimester superpower you should never feel ashamed of.
21. "Nap time is my happy hour."
An hour — if you're lucky.
22. "It's a mom thing."
For better or for worse, this phrase now applies to whatever you want it to. Think of it as an all-purpose excuse that doubles as a humblebrag.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.