Before you have a kid, pregnancy, birth, and your baby's first year is a sort of dream life that seems beautiful and like one of those scenes from a Lifetime movie that makes you cry and fall in love at the same time. And in reality, some days, it is. But, the truth is, there too many (like, way too many) gross things about having a baby that no one ever talks about. And I'm here to set the record straight, because I love my kids, but dang it, being a mom is straight up disgusting sometimes.
From the first bout of nausea during pregnancy, to realizing your worst fear of pooping on the delivery table, motherhood isn't all sunshine and roses. And it's important for new moms to know that, because I didn't.
Being the eternal idealist that I am, I pictured the neat and tidy version of pregnancy and motherhood and wasn't prepared for the (literal) sh*t show that it can be sometimes. Of course, there's an unreal amount of love and sweetness and sunshine and roses, but knowing that motherhood can be gross and hard, too, is important.
So, here's to motherhood — the good, the bad, and the nauseating — from pregnancy, all the way to your baby's first birthday.
1You'll Fart All Of The Time
According to Healthline, the scientific reason behind a pregnant woman's constant flatulence is an increase in the hormone progesterone. It's normal, but it's embarrassing. At some point though, you stop caring and just let it rip without a second thought. Sorry not sorry.
2Pregnancy Makes You Drool
Again, hormone levels are to blame for your excessive saliva, Kids Spot noted, but regardless of why it happens, it doesn't make the constant nausea of early pregnancy any easier to handle.
3Your Vagina And Areolas Will Get Darker
Oh yes, as if you didn't already feel like a scientific experiment, all of a sudden your skin starts changing colors. Baby Center noted that your nipples, areaolas, vagina, arm pits, belly button and more may suddenly turn a few shades darker. Normal, yes. Ideal, no.
4You Might Get Acne (And Bacne And Boobne)
Due to the ever-changing hormones (your new favorite word, right?) you'll probably notice acne pop up in all the places you don't want it to.
5You'll Grow Hair In Weird Places
Same with pube-like hair. Nipples, inner-thighs, your face? Nowhere is off limits to your raging hormones, according to Kids Spot.
7Your Boobs Might Leak Long Before You Start Breastfeeding
The American Pregnancy Association noted that women start producing colostrum (the nutrient-rich fluid your baby drinks before your milk comes in), early on in pregnancy. So, don't be surprised if your nipples leak before you even have your baby.
8Your Feet Might Get Bigger
Yep. You read that right. As if it wasn't enough that your belly, boobs, and everything else is getting larger, your feet might become victim to pregnancy growth too. Baby Center noted that the reason is increased amounts of the hormone relaxin, but just don't cry when your favorite shoes don't fit anymore, OK?
9.Your Gums And Nose Might Bleed A Lot
Baby Center also noted that due to increased sensitivity in your mouth, your gums will likely bleed a lot. Similarly, you may notice increased nose bleeds and swollen veins due to heightened blood volume.
10You Can't Shave Your Legs Because, Giant Belly
But, by then, you don't really care anyway.
11Pregnancy And Hemorrhoids Are Two Peas In A Pod
Pregnancy also brings with it constipation like you wouldn't believe. Which, of course, can lead to hemorrhoids. Not every one experiences them, but for those who do, I'm truly, deeply sorry.
12Your Water Doesn't Stop "Breaking"
When you finally go into labor, you're probably expecting your water to break in a big gush of water, like in every movie ever. That's not really how it works though. Instead, your "water" (i.e., amniotic fluid) continues to leak in a slow, steady stream until you deliver your baby.
13Yep, You'll Probably Poop On The Delivery Table
Believe it or not, pooping on the delivery table is often a pregnant woman's worst nightmare when it comes to being in labor. But, to offer you no encouragement at all whatsoever, Parents noted that yes, you will indeed poop a little bit while pushing out your baby. It's OK though. Everyone does it.
14Your Baby Will Look Like He or She Is Covered In Cottage Cheese
Once you finally give birth (poop, baby, and all), your baby probably won't look anything like what you've been picturing in your mind. Sure, she'll be tiny and cute,,, but and also, covered in a cottage cheese-like substance. Parents noted that the white, gooey substance is called vernix, and it's meant to protect, moisturize, lubricate your baby's skin. It's not supposed to be gross, but also, it kind of is.
15You'll Bleed Like It's The Worst Period You've Ever Had
Not surprisingly, there's a lot of blood that comes out with your baby. And it doesn't stop coming out either. Not for weeks. And it will feel like your period (which you conveniently haven't had for nine months) but 192 times worse.
16Mommy Diapers Will Make You Feel At Least 4 Decades Older
And to make the whole post-birth thing even more attractive, you'll have — no, get — to wear "postpartum underwear" that will soak up said blood and also make you look and feel like you just stepped out of a nursing home.
17Pooping Postpartum Will Be Terrifying
You'd think that after you push and entire human out of yourself, a little poop would be no big deal. But you thought wrong. WebMD noted that postpartum constipation is common, and to make matters worse, due to all of the trauma in your nether regions, it can hurt almost as bad as giving birth to your child did — once your laxatives finally kick in, that is.
18You Lose Bladder Control
One of the longer lasting postpartum "symptoms" is that your pelvic floor is often permanently affected, meaning that things like walking, jumping, sneezing, or moving in general can cause you to pee your pants a little bit. Luckily, kegels and time can solve anything, but be prepared to never jump on a trampoline again.
19Breastfeeding Boobs Might Look Great, But They'll Hurt Like Hell
Granted, I was all about the bigger boobs while I breastfed, but no one told me that they'd hurt like hell for a solid three or four days while my milk came in. Engorgement can go away, but that doesn't mean it's not painful.
20You'll Have Actual Bald Spots
You know that luscious pregnancy hair the gods blessed you with? Well, it all starts to fall out at about three months postpartum. Today's Parent noted that it's totally normal and, of course, it will grow back, but it doesn't make the tiny, emerging baby hairs any easier to handle.
21You Might Look, Smell, And Act Like You're Going Through Puberty Again
Of course, it's all due to hormone changes, stress, and fatigue, but that doesn't make it any more appealing.
22Your Abs Literally Separate After Pregnancy
A condition called diastasis recti means that your abdominal muscles literally separate during pregnancy, which according to Kids Spot, means that the "bouncing back" after birth is a complete at total lie.
23You'll Smell Like Spit-Up But No One Will Tell You
When you're the mom of a newborn or baby of any age, there's a general stench that follows you wherever you go. You'll have spit-up in places you'd like to forget and, probably, no one will tell you.
24Breastfeeding Will Turn You Into A Ravenous, Hungry Beast
Due to the insane amount of calories that breastfeeding burns, Baby Center noted that you'll transform into a ravenous, hungry beast at all hours of the day. Just move the refrigerator into your bedroom to save yourself the hassle of walking to the kitchen three times per night.
25.You'll Definitely Have To Clean Poop Out Of The Bathtub At Least Twice
With bath time comes your baby's instinct to poop the second they feel the warm, relaxing water touches his or her body. It doesn't stop after the newborn phase either.
26And Get Peed On
Whether you have a boy or a girl, chances are that you'll touch another human's bodily fluids more times than you can count.
27You Won't Care When Your Baby Picks Up Food Off The Floor And Eats It
The five-second rule becomes the literal law of the land when you have a baby. Just blow on it (or better yet, lick it clean yourself), and it's safe for consumption.
28And You'll Forget About All Of It
Although you never actually forget, Belly Belly noted that eventually mothers downplay the pain and exhaustion and general grossness that is having a baby, simply because all of that is nothing in comparison to having a happy, healthy baby.